Reading and comprehension.....

I've always loved reading. I love books. They give me a chance to escape the world and it's mundane moments and actually LIVE something. I am a greedy reader. Once I start a book that I really like, I will read it until I have devoured it's pages. I've read Stephen King novels in 3 1/2 hours. Cover to cover. Yes, sometimes I skim the filler, but the best novels I've read have held me bound, page by page. Have you ever read a book like that?

I think the very first book I read that was WAY above my level was Catcher in the Rye. I was in grade 6 and a friend of my mom's gave it to me for my bday. He told me....this is prolly way above u....but u'll need it in a couple of years. (knowing that it was mandatory reading in high school)

Well, I forced myself to read that book, because he told me that basically I couldn't get it. I hated this book. I read every page with dread, forcing myself nightly to read at least 10 pages. The most BORING, STUPID book I'd ever read. But I finished it, and I told him that I did, too.

I actually went to the local library and read a review on the book, and basically memorized it. Personally I had no opinion on the book, besides it being stupid. So after I was researched up, I went back to Mom's friend....and told him I finished the book. He asked me about it, and I quoted off the review, acting like it was my own thoughts.....answered some questions....and impressed him, I suppose. That was so me, u know? Remember how I told you all, that as a child, young adult....I used to practice and practice things, so that when I went public with my abilities, my knowledge, that I was always the best? Well, remembering about that book, that was really among the first few things......

I went so far with that book, as to bring it in to school and ask to do my book report on it.....my teacher was blown away. Do you understand this book? She asked me? Yes, I said...and began yet again, to quote the review, and some smatterings of other things. WOW! She was surprised, but at the same time, wouldn't allow me to do it. Pick something more ur age group. I tried showing her this other book...LOL...called Bethany's Sin....OMG....very inappropriate.

Anyways...book forgotten...I get to high school and guess what? I've got to read Catcher in the Rye.....again! And I'm thinking...HOLY CRUD....I hated that book. So comes time for me to get it out and read it again and WOW....I'm blown away! It's a good book. I liked it. I start thinking to myself....I guess I really didn't understand it....I mean....I FORCED myself to read that book...!!!

I go back to the library, read reviews all over again, commentarys'....u name it.....and write my report on it. I got top marks....so good in fact, that I was asked to tutor the quarterback of the football team, cuz he wasn't doing so good in this book. LOL....I was meeting him after school in the library 2 X a week for 1/2 hour sessions, to explain the book to him. Oh, it only lasted a couple weeks......but it was fun having to tell my friends...."can't walk home with you, cuz I gotta meet the quarterback!" LOLOL!!!

So what's this post about? Reading?

No, actually that was the intro......this post is about doing something you hate...FORCING urself to get thru it......and then after some time, maybe months, years....going over it again and finding some good. Ahhhhhhhh. Now you see where Safa is going with this, don't u? I'm always hitting on the same theme but from different angles.....

I'm looking at the past two years of my life......do I hate it? Yes, I do. I'm sorry. It's not that I'm refraining from saying Alhamdulillah...no, never. Alhamdulillah for everything and anything. But hating it is something I can't control. I feel forced.....forced to participate, forced to be patient....and there's just nobody to impress anymore. Sigh. I'm still firm in my decision to wait until after the baby is born and then make my decisions....rock solid firm. I'm floating, remember?

But in the middle of the night, when sleep escapes me, my brain starts whirring, and going over points, situations, triggers, lies, betrayal, pain, hurt...etc etc......and I feel like screaming out....I try to stop myself. Breathe I say. Don't think, I say. Maybe just maybe.....in a couple of years, I'm going to see something here that I didn't see before? Oh, who knows where I'll be....maybe I'll be living in Timbuktu.....maybe I'll still be here.....or long, long gone.

But it would be nice if could get something positive out of all this.....even if it's just to say that I found my inner self. Found my limits and my strengths....yes, even my weaknesses. Cuz the truth is......I hate being in this rut.....and I think it's only fair to wait till I have the baby. I think that by that time, I'll have a better idea of where things are going. Hubby is supposed to be staying for 6 mos......so we'll see. Insha Allah. I don't count on anything anymore. What happens will happen. Allah's Will be done.

So until that time, I'm just gonna keep pushing myself thru this. FORCING myself to turn the pages....skim the filler and only concern myself with the facts. Even tho I hate it....and really can't stand this read. I'm not planning to recommend this book to anyone, and prolly will burn it when I'm finished, so don't think about asking me to borrow it.

And I humbly admit, that this book is way above my level....I'm not reading reviews about it, and am not trying to impress anyone anymore. It's way out of my league. But I've started it now, so I've gotta finish it.....so let me be for awhile....and remember this...I'm a greedy reader.