I've conquered my last mountain, insha Allah.....

Have you ever wondered at the beauty of mountains? Ever actually seen one and climbed along the bottom of it? Well, I have.

When I was a child, we went to Quebec for the summer.....the summer of the butterflies, for those of you who may have read my "Meet the Member" post on Sobia Forums. At the back of the farm that I was staying on, there was a good sized mountain. I was dying to climb it, but my parents wouldn't hear of it. "there are bears over there", they'd warn me. So I never did get to climb it. But I was allowed on a couple of rare occasions, to go play around the base of this mountain.

I remember running thru bushes, squishing my feet in the muck of a swamp, and then laying on the ground and marvelling at how high this mountain was. (I got some ticks on my legs from running thru those bushes!!)

When I was lying on the ground looking up, I'd make believe in my mind that I would be 20 yrs old, and climbing that mountain. Oh, no fancy gear for me.....just a good pair of hiking boots and some sort of pick. That would be all I'd need. I'd get up to the top of that mountain, and then I'd talk to God. I'd be nice and close then.

Did you ever see that episode of Little House on the Prairie? Where the new baby dies, and Laura thinks it's her fault cuz she was jealous? She asks God to take his place, and bring her little brother back? It's a tear jerker, really. But being the young girl I was, I figured that they had something right in that episode of LHOTP.....and it was the fact that the closer you are to God, the better he hears you. I really wanted to talk to God.

So years have passed since then, decades even. I still haven't gone back to climb that mountain. Oh the dreams that a young girl can dream! But I have spoken to God. Oh yes....I speak to Him all the time. And now that I have learned that God is Allah....and Allah is God.....I've changed many things about who I am. I've become a muslim woman.....wearing Hijab and Jilbab........yes, I have.

I've become a religious person, with morals, and ideas that always base themselves on religion first and foremost. Oh sure....I've stepped back a pace or two in my life......not always being the ideal person.....but we are human, u know?

Now here's where I get serious. It's just....sometimes I feel my whole life is revolving around this last year of my marriage. Why can't I just get it out of my mind? But no.....I tend to think things thru again and again. Being the cautious, careful person that I've always been.....I have to be 100% sure of what my steps will lead me to. I'm not a rash person, I'm rarely impulsive......I'm the turtle who wins the race by being slow and steady. Ya, that's me.

And I've come to a decision.

*It's that being in a P marriage brings out the worst in me.

*Having a co wife who does mean things to me, brings out the worst in me.

*Having a husband who is constantly defending this co wife, brings out the worst in me.

*Being in a P marriage where my time rights are never fulfilled, brings out the worst in me.

*Being ignored by a husband with too much on his plate, who is constantly fulfilling himself, mindless of others, brings out the worst in me.

And basically, I don't really like the person that I am becoming. Or maybe, have already become. I know that there is this funny, humourous woman inside me, who used to laugh with a passion, and take everything in stride. I know she's there. But I'm losing her. So decision time has come to me. And I've made up my mind.

What is it? Well...that as much as I want to conquer this mountain, I want to find myself at the very top. I don't want to get up there, only to find that I've started on the little hill and I still have bigger mountains to climb. Oh no. I'm thru my mountain climbing. I just say.....thanks, but I'm happier without the knowledge.

So everything rests right now with the birth of this baby.....and......what will happen with my husband. I'm not planning to make decisions for him, I'm not even going to talk to him about my new state of mind. I'm just going to see what he comes with next visit. I mean, it'll spell itself out, don't u think?

If he comes with a ticket for a month visit, long enough for me to have the baby and leave...then I know, right? If he comes with a ticket for 3 mos even, but has left his apt back in Cda....then I know, right? If he comes back with a 6 mos ticket, left his apt in Cda and his wife....then I know, right? I know, I know.....don't say "if". But I've got to get it out of my head that this is just a temporary situation....I mean what is temporary about almost two years?

I'm just pointing out....that the rest of my marriage will play itself out when my husband arrives. No pressure from me, no crying on the phone, no long fruitless discussions. He'll come and then I'll know. I'll make the most of the time we have together....should it be short. He'll have the time to bond with his son........but on the day that I am available again...day 40....I will make myself clear.

No more games.

No more words.

No more floating.

No more waiting.

And insha Allah...insha Allah.....no more mountains.