Selfishly me...wanting an end for myself to be the end for another......

I lived in Egypt for a year in 1997 - 98 with my hubby. We tried so hard to make it here, and found out that living in Egypt was going to be harder than we thought. By the time we got an apt, sparsely furnishing it, and other things.....our money was just about depleted. Our idea of living in Egypt was fading much more quickly than we anticipated. My hubby was giving me less than $300 LE per month for house expenses.......I just gave birth to our 3rd daughter, Mom came to visit...and I was so worried about money, I couldn't sleep at night. My hubby was running around with his new work, trying to run a little business on the side, I barely saw him.....and I would cry outta loneliness at night. My arabic was sooo limited, it took everything outta me to go to the market and buy my groceries.

The market in itself was a narrow sand-covered street with a bunch of sellers sitting on the ground, donkey carts and crowds of people, interspersed with thieves and a few crazies thrown in. I was 9 months pregnant, and sometimes would come home carrying more than 12 kgs of groceries in my hands. Later, I would do the same thing, carrying my newborn in a carry bag on my chest and have people in the market tell me....haraam....at one point I got mad at everyone telling me haraam. I had no other option....no one was willing to take care of my children while I was gone to buy food, I'd leave the other two sleeping......

When we finally bought our own apt, outside of Cairo, I was relieved. It wasnt so busy, dirty or smoggy. No horns honking all hours, no fights in the street. Just peace and quiet. Alhamdulillah. But again, it was not to be home, after just barely 3 mos of living there, hubby asked me about going back to Canada. It was a hard decision on his part....claiming that Egypt had defeated him....and that as a man, he knew he would be unable to care for us. So we up and moved back, this time only carrying our clothes.....and returned to Canada to start from scratch.

Gone was my Arousa furniture, having been sold the first time, all my kitchen stuff was in Egypt.....we had clothes and rugs. That's it. We arrived on a Friday in Canada, and in Saturdays newspaper, I noticed an ad for an estate sale. My hubby took his friend and they went to check it out.....well, that night, hubby came home with livingroom furniture, kids room furniture, a master bedroom set, towels, sheets, glasses, cookware, silverware...u name it. He furnished our house.....alhamdulillah. The estate sale was for an old grandmother who had died...they were selling her entire house at a bargain...just wanting everything to go. We were only in Canada for 2 days...and we were set up. Alhamdulillah.

That Dec of 98, my hubby and I had many disagreements and were on the verge of divorce....SubhanALLAH, after all we had been thru together in Egypt...u think our relationship would have been more firm......but alhamdulillah.....we passed this difficult time in our lives.

I applied for Hajj in the year 2000 as a convert to islam...every year King Fuad of Saudi Arabia sponsers new muslims and da'ee's to perform Hajj at his expense. He picks 7 people from every country. In the year of 2000, he picked me. Of course Hubby got in for the ride, cuz I needed a mahram. This was to be my hubby's second time for Hajj. It was wonderful.....alhamdulillah.

Now once we returned to Canada, not even a few months later, we discussed our 10 yr plan. We both agreed that we didn't want to raise our kids in kuffar land.....that we eventually would make our way back to Egypt again, but this time more prepared and with a better plan. We spent most of our time saving money, never buying anything new even tho things were needed....always planning for returning to Egypt. In the summer of 2001, I was fed up. I was tired of living in the balance....and I made a dua to Allah...."O Allah, please let me settle down with the kids....find us a home and let us stay there".

Not even 2 weeks later, my dua was answered. My hubby was just getting into a new business and we had to move cities....so there was this apt available in the new city....really reasonable rent...3 bdrooms, 2 balconies...islamic school not too far away.....and after we applied, my BIL called from Egypt to tell us that the person renting out apt had left. Did we want to re rent it, or were we going to come back to Egypt...??? Hmmmmmmm...... We discussed it and decided to hold off until we found out about the apt in the new city.........

2 days later, the owners called and said that they were giving the apt to someone else. We were going back to Egypt. But this time, alone. The agreement was, that after one year of hubby working in Canada, he'd come to join us. I agreed. I told Hubby, it is what I asked Allah for....so sometimes the answer comes not what you expect...but it is an answer.

So that's 2001.....and back to Egypt.....we struggled without hubby, I cried many a tear.....1 yr led to 2...then 2 to 3.....and subhanAllah.....now starting on 6. I have been asking hubby since last summer to come home. I'm tired of it.

Some people think I am a fool to leave hubby for so long there. I am. I was. I trusted him....I thought he was suffering as I was suffering.....but it seems like he's been drowning his sorrows in ways that I had never imagined. Ways that I cannot. Part of my feeling of betrayal comes from the fact, that I gave up my friends and family to live here in Egypt to raise OUR kids. I didn't leave hubby cuz I didn't want him...I am a good wife, I've always been sensitive to his needs, I think I fulfill all my duties towards him...why would he consider another wife?

Because I am not there.

I will always hold that little bit of hurt in my heart.....I was not there. And even worse, I saw signs that something was up....but I prefered to just pass it on.....put any other reason to the oddness in behaviour than what was lingering just at the surface of my mind. I trusted my husband. He could never keep secrets from me....just like I could never keep any from him. We were soul mates, we understood each other, he held me when I would cry....I defended him, I protected him......secrets? Never.

For years..........

For years....3 to be exact, he had been hiding things from me. His temporary marriage to a cdn non muslim with 3 kids....buying clothes in Egypt, telling me it was for business...gold for his friends wife, and his friend would pay for it.....but picking Egyptian statues, which I found weird...questioned and received some lame answer, which I believed....but somewhere it stuck on me.

Doing some different things in bed, which I wondered about....but didn't know how to question......didn't want to question. (we were both virgins when married, so you can see how I might wonder about it)

And then he keeps telling me about this great morrocan family...they send us presents...they are being kind to hubby....and all the while, I'm telling hubby, I'm scared of them...they are being too kind...we aren't like that...step back from them. They got divorced and hubby is trying to get them back together.....but it's divorce # 3.....so that's it.

And then the text message.

Hubby never gets text messages. So when it came, I opened it.....and it said, Je t'aime habibee. ???? WTH???? I ask hubby and he looks at it and says...I know who sent this. WHO CARES???? WTH?????

So I know that the rest of this story is posted somewhere's here on my BLOG.....you basically all know what happened.....my downward spiral.....finding out that he's been married twice...dealing with the lies....the hurt......and basically...holding on to a dream that he is going to finish up things in Canada, leave this woman, and come back to his family.

I'm sorry. But it's my little dream. I need to believe that this is what is going to happen to survive. I can't take it that my hubby can hurt me so badly. Protecting my feelings?? Is that what you call it? I call it cowardice. He was never going to tell me about the cdn woman......and wanted to tell me about Morrocan Magic to my face. He never got the chance. Her ex hubby is the one who called to tell me that my husband was finding pleasure in the arms of another woman....(his words)

He has all the excuses, there wasn't time, I was worried how you'd react, I had to protect her, she doesn't have anyone....blah blah BLAH!!!!

Now I admit that I'm ready to continue with my marriage, that I'm able to let things pass on........but I WILL NOT FORGET. I WILL NOT BE STUPID AGAIN. I WILL NOT BE STEPPED ON and PUSHED ASIDE.

I need a husband too. I need to be held at night, when I feel lonely. I can't handle 4 months alone with just me and the kids, when I know that it isn't me he's sleeping with. I need fairness, and most of all....time.

Co wife isn't all keen on much...she sent me a douche for my first present....interesting.....sent some saffron and told hubby how I was supposed to use it. Magic at its best with no foundation in our deen. Oh yeah, she sent me the lipstick shirt with perfume, and then had the nerve to tell hubby that I did it and am blaming her. Puh lease. What did I do? I sent her gold. A ring and a medallion.

So basically, I'm just out posting this whole story again......I don't know why....it weighs heavy on my mind as I wait anxiously for any news on the tickets......I don't think I can handle another let down.......

And you know what goes thru my mind? I was laughing. Just a few short posts ago, I was talking about laughing....how contagious it is....how wonderful to feel it rippling thru you......

My end to this book will come when hubby comes home. When he takes responsibility for us, stands by us.....

and I won't have to cry alone anymore.