Here's a rant......
I think I'm just about ready. I've got the whole house under control, laundry done, clothes bought, luggages just waiting to be packed. I went thru my list and the only things that I am missing is some shoes for the girls. So once I get that done.....that will be that.
It won't take me but maybe all of 2 hours to pack our clothes. I just have to think about what things I want to bring with me as gifts and all, that's what will take time. I'm thinking to buy a bunch of scarves and bandana's. Maybe a few galabeeya and some bukhoor. Any ideas on what sort of gifts I should bring?? Maybe I'll buy a bunch of those little arabic books for dawah. Yes, actually, I will. Okay, anything else?
Okay, now that's a question, okay? I'd like comments on that......but I'm going to go on to the second half of this post now.......
Hubby called. Told me all the little stuff I should be doing, be prepared.....blah blah blah. I told him that I will have a talk with the kids about how life is in Canada before we get there. I'll just go over the do's and don'ts, u know?? And I want to broach a few other things with them.....expected behaviour, no staring, don't talk to strangers, etc, etc.
So then because I can't help myself, I ask hubby if he's told his wife that we are coming.......he responds, "Yes, I told her...but I don't know what's up with her, she's going nuts and has been doing some things....a person has limits you know?"
Silence on my end. Hmmmmmmm.
So then he says......"Listen, I don't want you to keep a part of your brain open concerning this woman okay? Don't even think about her, worry about her....she's non-existant, okay?"
So I answer with, "well, I am sorta worried that when we get there that you may try and persuade me and the kids to meet her, go out with her, u know??"
And he's like...no....uh-uh....nope. That wont happen.
Hmmmmmmmmmm........
So after sometime talking about little stuff, he tells me that he wants me to advise the girls well about life in Canada, for them to be "brainwashed" about how bad it is....LOLOLOL......and one day "our girls will get married...." Where I stop him and tell him that my 11 yr old recently told me that she NEVER wants to get married and have her husband hurt her the way Baba is hurting her Mama. SubhanALLAH.
Stunned silence on his end. So he tells me that I have to tell them it isn't haraam....blah blah blah......I start crying softly. And quietly thru my tears I tell him, I don't want to talk about that issue anymore. That as their father, he has to be the one to talk about it....I'm giving that issue to him to deal with....but that I am so hurt and sad, that whatever I say won't come out right. I told him, "You'll have to deal with the kids on that one."
And he says......"I have already dealt with it in small, and soon enough I will deal with it in LARGE."
Hmmmmmmm............egyptian men.
I think that she's on her way out the door. I just recently found out from him that she's been deleting my messages........he didn't come out and say it....but called and asked me what messages I've sent recently, and one of them was missing. The only one I sent when my hubby was home sleeping, not at work.
I know that she's back at her own place now..........and I asked Hubby what sort of stuff of mine do you have at the house........and he told me that he doesn't know what she may have taken when she left........
What do I want to say about all this? Allah forgive me......but if this phase in our life is over......I'll be pleased.
Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.
He also said that he may be packing up and returning with us. Ya Rab! Ya Rab! He said that HE might....not THEY............
Hubby told me that they have a library beside his apt....so that means I'll have occasional internet access from there. So I'll be able to update you all. Pray for us, Okay? For the first time in forever, I feel like that I am making baby steps back to myself. I know when I get back to Egypt and I have my hubby here with me for good.....I'm going to cry, and cry, and cry. I need to let out all this bottled up emotions I've been saving, putting on hold.....and I will. Insha ALLAH, I will.
Now don't forget to answer the question, okay???
posted by Safa at 9:33 AM
16 Comments:
Salaam Alaikum,
I thing galabeyas are good. Everyone in the states loves them -- Muslim or not. Also might want to take them dates (my family fights over them when I bring them in) and the good yemeni honey.
As for the rest, Safa, insha'Allah he has learned some valuable lessons but I am hesitant about getting your hopes up. The reason for that is because even if THIS woman is on her way out the door, it doesn't mean another one won't come in. And frankly, with your husband's history of doing this TWICE, as well as his comments about how it is not haraam, it is clear that he stands pretty firm on regarding polygyny as his right. It is highly possible that even if he moved to Egypt, he might find another one there.
I don't mean to burst your balloon but just want you to think carefully and guard your emotions. Last week when my hubby was complaining about me and jokingly referred to taking a 3rd wife, I simply reminded him that since he cannot "afford" to support me, he could hardly take ANOTHER one -- unless of course he pursued another well-paid successful professional woman! He shut up REAL FAST... LOL!
Love you sissy ;-)))
PM
9:49 AM
Do you think your daughters are prepared to go back to Canada and have to face everything going on with your husband and you? How old is the one who made the comment about never getting married? Miskeena, wallahi. I'd be really worried about the children, especially being that you have all girls.
Did you ever think that your co-wife exhusband may just have something of value to tell you? Although, he isn't married to your co-wife anymore, he is definitely apart of the drama and may have some pieces of information that you don't. Is there any way that you could speak to him with your husband's consent?
10:11 AM
Insha'Allah everything will work out the way you want it too....I have no idea about the gift part but let me think about it....
1:14 PM
As-salaamu Alaykum, I don't know about everyone else but I love gifts (good ones) and especially gifts from overseas. I think that whatever you get will be sufficient, its the thought that counts, right? I dunno. As far as co-wifey is concerned I wouldn't worry about her, you know too much whatever the situation is. It's about you girl, you and the girls, that's all, time to get what you've been waiting for insha-Allah, ease and comfort, right?
P.S. I wear niqaab, so I like the when some one brings back niqaabs even if I have to buy it :)
4:05 PM
salam alaikoum
i cannot tell you enough that you should bring galabiyyas and headscarves to people. even the non muslims want the egyptian cotton galabiyyas. Plus all the jilbabs and headscarves available where i lived back home were all hand picked by some old palestinian dude who thought stiff polyester collars were ok. Do sisters a favor with the scarves. For real. They will love having something cute and "from Egypt".
My friend here is "married to an egyptian" and she ALWAYS hooks up the needy with egyptian cotton. My bathrobe is egyptian cotton, i love it...
7:13 PM
Comment on the first part: scarves, hijab caps, cute tunics.. don't forget the sweets too..
comment on the second part: I am sooo rooting for you sister! Too bad I'm not Canadian or I'd go see you!
9:25 PM
Asalamalaykom Safa-Habibi,
I read your email as very good news. I think that lessons have been learned
BUT
Here's the warning...please don't you be his teacher. You had everything going well until you started admonishing him. The men HATE that. When you started guilting him about his daughter knowing what he's done, you backed him into a corner and he could only sit there dejected or come out fighting. Don't make him lash out verbally.
I know, for me, I really became part of the "Haram Police". I said the word "haram" so much I, myself, got tired of hearing it :) Let the misdeeds float in the air. Don't nail him with them. He is EGYPTIAN! He will never allow a woman to label his mistakes.
You should be focusing on his good points now, anyway. This is your time to SHINE. Live these next days and weeks like a dream that you want.
Sometimes, when I was super-mad at my husband, I'd remind myself to just do what I really wanted to do. I didn't really want to be mad. I'd just kiss him or rub his back because I wanted to. It made all the difference.
And please don't talk about your sadness to your girls. They need to hear that you're alright.
And, Safa, you are more than alright. You are dyn-o-mite!
My gift ideas: buy dozens of little silver charms from Khan Khalili. Evil eye decorations. 99 Names of Allah hangings. Magazines in Arabic. Tape cassettes and CDs. Big bag of roasted seeds for hubby. Boxes of cookies and baklava.
OH! And let the girls take some photos of simple things in Egypt. We always take people shots, but let them take photos of anything they want to remember and show back in Canada. Do they have family and friends' email and addresses?
What I always do on trips with kids is gift wrap a little item to open at consequetive intervals. So, say every 30 minutes, they get to open a package. Deck of cards, chewing gum, book, little toy, etc. It makes the time go soooo much better and faster.
My Best Wishes!
9:52 PM
PM: "think carefully and guard your emotions."
Yes, ur right. I shall never be an open book again. Allah knows, but should hubby decide to take a second wife, while living in Egypt with me, it shall not be such an issue as this woman is. She chased him, wormed her way into his life, and pulled some huge stunt to get him to marry her and he only had 3 days to decide it. I don't like the 2 country thing, cuz he is UNABLE to be fair that way.....and if hubby wants a second wife, DANG NABIT, he's GONNA be fair. I pray that I never go thru it again, but if I must, I pray that when that time comes....that he does it properly so that it will be easier on all of us.....
Musleema: "How old is the one who made the comment about never getting married?"....."Is there any way that you could speak to him with your husband's consent?"
She's 11. SubhanALLAH. The Ex Hubby has gone nuts, which I think is probably justifiable, but he's also become very MEAN. Doing all sorts of crazy stuff, including following my husband....once my hubby caught him video-taping him as he was walking home....he's told EVERYONE about hubby's marriage to his ex.....went to the imam's of all the masjids in my hubby's city...including in our old city....blah blah blah....in fact, it was ex who called me to tell me of the marriage and he was disgusting..."you think u know ur husband, he's sleeping in another woman's arms......" Astaghfirullah. He wants revenge, he has nothing intelligent to say.....besides, it would only backtrack me to hear whatever he wants to say to me.....
Muslim Mommie: I'll bring a few niqab's....they have these new big ones that are cut rounded rather than square......yes, that would be a good gift....maybe I'll bring one for my co-wife......LOLOLOL!!! (she only started wearing hijab when hubby married her)
CNCZ: I already bought two galabeeya's, really nice ones.....scarves are on my list.....
Jilbabble...subhanALLAH, I forgot about the sweets!
HA:"please don't you be his teacher."
I know...i know....i know......but it's so hard not to say, "I told you so!!" But I promise to just let it go, and focus on the now.....maybe one day when we are both in our 60's....we'll talk it over....but for now.....it still hurts too bad. I have stayed away from talking to the girls too much about the sadness.....but they see......some things I just can't help. My 11 yr old once asked me if I think my hubby will be pleased when he gets to hold a new baby from co-wife.....it cut me so quick and deep, ya RAB! (she's not pregnant)
" you backed him into a corner and he could only sit there dejected or come out fighting."
I'll remember this phrase when I'm in Canada........
UmmAbdur-Rahman......I'll be waiting for what you think about the gift part.......ur input is needed here.....
10:39 PM
salam
rofl at the niqab as a present for the co wife...that would be great
Wow honorary arab, macha Allah, without knowing it, gave me advice. Thanks.
1:39 AM
Safa,
I am happy for you but dont get too excited. Remember to not put the cart before the horse. He will be who he is and you cannot change that you can only accept it.
As for your daughter PLEASE try to not harm them by allowing them to see you so unhappy. I had to check myself with this one myself. We do not know what the future holds for them. It may be that they all end up with co wives and because of what they see you go through they will have a dislike for it. They may have wonderful fair husbands but mess up because of past experiences. Trust me it is not pologny it is the MAN. I know you heard me say this before.
love u
Jayla
7:12 AM
Whoa look Jayla...Salaam Jayla how are you?
Safa-----Does that mean your gonna buy me presents???????
8:51 AM
My zawj always brings back chocolated covered dates to give out to our friends and occassionally henna too. Also post cards and stamps are nice to give out too. I think the other sisters covered everything else.
The ex husband sounds weird or extremely jilted!! Video tapping??! That's sounds really strange.
"As for your daughter PLEASE try to not harm them by allowing them to see you so unhappy."
Sorry, Safa isn't harming her daughters by being sad. Her husband harmed all of them by choosing to do a halal action in a terribly distasteful manner. Knoweledge and wisdom proceeds every action in Islam or you take the risk of spoiling the ajr from Allah. C'mon sisters - she's HUMAN as are her daughters. The dunya is filled with ibtilaat and we are to rely on Allah to help us through it, but we aren't suppose to be emotionless. And I honestly think it is strange that women of all creatures are suggesting for another woman to treat her emotions like a robot (read: turning it on and off). It's unrealistic - we can't change the make up of how Allah created us and futhermore there's not not any proof from Allah or his Messenger (saaws) to suggest that we must do so.
Safa it appears you're on the path to forgiving her husband, Alhamdulilah. That's great and may Allah reward you, but it's normal for pain and hurt to linger for years or even forever. No blame is the person who was wronged for having pain. Inshallah, it we heal when Allah decrees it to.
And no one knows what Allah has instore for our children. They could be involved polygyny, or not. It is on BOTH parents to present Islam in the best light, not just the mother. Safa is not to blame or responsible for her daughters' feelings to what their father has done. But if they were my daughters and they were making such heartbreaking statements I would make sure my husband handled it ASAP. Those are his daughters too and daughters need their father's reassurance of love more than anything. The absence of it or the questioning of it can be damaging.
Last thing, some of the comments about Arab husbands are troubling me. My husband is also Arab and I've been married almost 8 years, Alhamdulilah. Culture plays a part in every person's life. We American, Canadian (western) women have our ways too. But where Islam is concerned we are all (different nations) suppose to meet. I know none of us are perfect, especially not my husband (lol) or I, bottom line is people treat you how you allow youself to be treated! If you allow your husband to over work you or belittle your efforts - don't blame that on his ethnicity, blame that on your own insecurities to stand up upon the Qur'an and Sunnah to make sure that you are treated in a manner that is beneficial to yourself. Rasulullah (saw) was Arab and he was the best of men in adab and ahklaaq. Many sahabah (raa) were Arab and they too were from the best of people in adab and akhlaaq. And today I know plenty of Saudis, Yemenis, Qataris, Egyptians and Sudanis men who are thoughtful, sensitive and kind husbands to their wives. We have to be patient with our husbands' ways which we are always reminded of, but people forget that wives also have to help their husbands better themselves too. That's what marriage in Islam is for.
1:09 PM
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2:06 PM
Musleema,
No one is telling Safa to act like a robot. As her sisters we have all been around to offer her support, friendship, understanding and sometimes advice. Having read about the toll this up and down situation has taken on her, which resulted in her having to take medication at one point, I simply was suggesting that she be careful about exposing herself to any situations that might be emotionally debilitating.
As for the comments on Arab husbands, cultural differences are a reality (on all sides) and the fact that we are married to Arabs indicates our willingness to love and adapt. When we reach the point that we are so sensitive we cannot discuss these differences with understanding and humor then things will be a little to PC for me.
I didn't read anybody's comments to Safa as being ill-intentioned, chastising or off base. But I did find your comments about our replies to be at least a little heavy handed.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
2:07 PM
wa alaikum as salam pm,
I apologize if my comments seemed heavy handed. They were not meant to be (read my blog, I like humor spread thick). My comments were actually formed from Honorary Arab and living life and loving it replies. LLALI stated "please try not to harm your children" and honorary arab stated "please don't talk about your sadness to your girls they need to hear you're alright."
The reasons I made my comments have already been stated.
As for Arab men, I'm not sensitive about my Arab man.I love him to death but he talks loud, eats fooul breakfast and Our rewards had me cracking up on the silent treatment. My hubby "tries" to do it to. Arab men can be quirky to me to say the least. Although there is a clear line between quirky and abuse. Some actions done by the Arab men that I have read on this blog and on other blogs may have closed the line over to being abusive or oppressive or simply actions that are displeasing to Allah. Abuse and oppression are not normal behaviors and have nothing to do with culture. Those are individual problems that those men need help with. Sorry to spoil the punch, I can't giggle when sisters are being hurt. May Allah rectify all of our situations to be pleasing to Him.
4:13 PM
Asalamalaykom All,
That means peace be with you, and I truly want peace for one and all. But, since this is Safa's blog, I most especially want peace for her.
If I read her blog and then give advice, it's only when I have something worth saying. I read some of the other blogs on the web and have nothing to add, so I don't. Safa's story is different. We are very close in our experience and we recognize that.
Arab men...Arab husbands...you know, I am an expert by now, and I'm hanging out my shingle. Please don't try to take my credentials away from me...I've earned them!
As for not showing too much sadness to children...I've been a mother who has shown extreme sadness to her kids and it got me nowhere. It scared them and scarred them. They don't understand that feelings are temporary and bad situations are temporary. And when we act like it's the end of the world THEY BELIEVE IT. They simply don't have enough life experience to tell them otherwise.
Does this mean being a "robot"? I'm not really one for flat affect. No. No maternal automatrons. But, there is the emotional middle of the road and that is where we Muslims are suppose to place ourselves. Not too high or too low.
That's my advice to Safa and I'm sticking to it.
9:13 PM
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