conclusions but no answers.........
After spending a couple of good hours over at Honorary Arabs' BLOG, I've been thinking alot about my life with polygyny and all my other good friends' life with polgyny as well. (All my friends are linked in my BLOG) I wish I could come to some conclusion..........I suppose I've come to many of them.....but no answers for me......
*it's the man that makes polygyny work
*it's a trial at all times
*it hurts....and like a wound that never heals, neither does the scars of polygyny
*it has made me lose trust in my husband
*it brings up a lot of self confidence issues
*it is not a part of our deen that HAS to be accomplished
*that men lie
*that men can be REALLY unsympathetic at times
*it makes my kids sad, I constantly have to reassure them that "Baba loves us" (and still they bring it up again)
*everyone thinks it's their business
*most people just want the juicy info, they don't want to advise you
*you feel like you are cut off from the world, it's ur dirty little secret that you can't share because you don't want other people "looking" at you and your children
*Did I mention that it's a trial at all times??
*I have lost a piece of love for my husband because of his lies and betrayal, its gone and won't come back
*I've become more attuned to others suffering and sadness
*The prophet (SAW) was an amazing man. More than amazing.......
*that polygyny should be pursued with pure intentions, anything otherwise spoils it
*I cannot have my hubby living in two countries, I doubt he'll ever be fair with me anymore, and right now, my emotional needs are high and aren't being met......
And so much more...........
I'm thinking, should I get to Canada, I'm going to go talk to a sheikh about that last point. In the back of my mind, I think I'm going to stay in Canada until my hubby comes here. I can't do it alone anymore......its totally without reward and it hurts when I least expect it. If I had hubby with me every couple of days at least.....I'd have someone to hold me. I need that.
So what do you think?? Should I pack some winter clothes?? All our clothes?? Or at least all the important stuff, right?? I mean, we got 10 luggages, 5 handbags. Just in case.
Hubby called me last night and told me that he's worried that his new wifes EX HUBBY will try to contact me when we are there. He's a schizo........(also the one who told me that hubby married the woman).......he hates my hubby so much right now...they used to be best friends. SubhanALLAH. I don't blame him for hating my hubby tho. You'd never expect ur best friend to up and marry ur EX without telling you, would you?? I know that if I loved a sister very much....and we were great friends....and she got divorced and then I found out she married my HUBBY in secret....I'd flip. Does that work in reverse?? Well, u know what I mean. What scares me about this man is that he may try to talk to my kids....that worries me more than him trying to talk to me.
I just wanna get there......I need to get a plan together......and I'll put it out here in cyberworld.....you know I need all you guys, right? I need to see things from every perspective......be my eyes, okay??
Love you all,
Safa
posted by Safa at 6:27 AM
15 Comments:
Crap I have to give you advice now? This is my buisness and damnit I just want the juicy details...I do nto want to HAVE to give you advice too.....
I am kidding...I love you...If it were me I would bring what is neede right now for your stay...then once you get there you can make a more detailed decision as to where you want to stay. You may find that once you get to Canada even though it is your home you may find that you do not like it...or you may find that febreeze you need. I just think you need to take this one step at a time....baby steps just to get a broader picture. If you rush, rush , rush you may miss pertinent information...that will help you in long run. Does that make sense? Ok well I am not the best advice giver but dang nabit I try....that has to count for something.
7:05 AM
salam alaikoum
for what it is worth, and i do not mean this in a patronizing way, i think it is a sign of your high character and amazing strength that you still have love for your husband. I would just cut my husband. Like with a knife. Like Tyree on the Dave Chappelle show.
9:22 AM
Asalamalaykom,
It's me. I'm always surprised to go to someone's blog and see my name within the writing.
Polygany is everything you say it is.
But it's only one aspect to who you are. You are bigger than your marriage and who you are in relation to your husband.
The best thought for your marriage is: apart from his relationship with this woman, who is he to YOU and the kids?
And for any of your readers who joke about killing, throwing off a bridge, poisioning, etc. let me tell you that YES, I do think of those options in my lowest moments. I remember what you say and shaytan plays with my mind. Only for seconds, but the thought is there. Is that what you want? It's a joke to you, or a funny comment to you, but it is not a good thing to say to someone who is fighting shaytan for their life and their marriage. Please, none of you should repeat those commments to me or Safa or any person again.
Safa, for you, think who you really are. Mashallah, you have journeyed so far and have accomplished so much. Stand tall in the beauty of the world and count yourself as loved by Allah.
Pack what you need to feel whole. If it means everything, then do it! I can't tell you the number of times I think of my white silk jacket hanging up in the Cairo armoir. Who is going to pull it off its hanger? I am going to get there first, or is she? Will it get thrown out? Can someone bring it back to the U.S. for me? It bothers me. Do what you need to not feel that bothering, nagging feeling. Maybe you need to bring very little. Start the process and then check out your feelings.
As for the man who wants to talk with you, it's not allowed. No, you will not talk with him. No purpose in that. He is hurt and wants you to hurt also. You don't need that. Your husband needs to protect you from this.
Start to think of great fun you can have in Canada! Maybe I'll even come visit you! Who knows!
12:13 PM
salam alaikoum just another thought...i think it is hard to make any marriage work if one of the parties thinks s/he is "entitled" to this or "entitled" to that. This could be anything from having as many wives as he wants to thinking that his wife who works fifty hours a week should also be donna freakin reed. I mean hi. I think it is hard to fight for a marriage when only one person is fighting...and I am speaking from experience even though I have no experience in polygyny.
3:55 PM
"You may find that once you get to Canada even though it is your home you may find that you do not like it"
I've thought exactly the same thing...
"You are bigger than your marriage and who you are in relation to your husband."
Am I? I've forgotten.......
"don't rush into something that you will regret in the long run."
I wish someone would have told hubby this before he decided to marry in secret........
"He is hurt and wants you to hurt also"
That's exactly what this man's intention is........subhanALLAH........i have never talked to a man the way my hubby talks to women.....I don't allow myself....have no interest in it......when I find the grocer becomes a little talkative with me, I change grocers.......If this man approaches me I will tell him, At Taq ALLAH.....
"I think it is hard to fight for a marriage when only one person is fighting"
My hubby is passive fighting where I am concerned. He thinks that he hasn't done anything wrong and that I'm just freakin......that I need to be put in my place.....I keep pointing out his little errors now and telling him, where is ur faith? U didn't used to act like this.....problem is.....he chuckles when I point them out.....I don't know why.....
"Canada is, I think, a better place to be than Egypt if you might be about to have a marriage break-up---or even if you want to threaten to leave in order to get some leverage."
EXACTLY.......that's what I've been thinking all along.....truth is....I'm sorry peoples.....but I don't think I can do the two country polygyny thing.....and when I get there, we'll see how it goes same country. Hubby is telling me that he won't be seeing her at all when I'm there.....I don't know his reasons but possible one of them is because he owes me 3 mos. But see, I just find that stupid....that isn't fair. So what he owes me time, but she's still a woman and needs to see her hubby when he's still accessable. I think that FAIR would be like 3 nights with me and 1 night with her for that month I'm there.....he owes me 3 mos exclusively....but while I'm there, she still deserves to have a husband.....so how my hubby arrives at fair....I have no idea. Another thing is.....I don't think I'm gonna like Canada anymore......sheesh....
10:19 PM
oh...and I wanted to comment on...
"And for any of your readers who joke about killing, throwing off a bridge, poisioning, etc."
It doesnt' bother me HA......honestly, and the shaytan doesn't fool with the idea of it.....sometimes people are so overwhelmed by what they read, they can only see the end...how they express it is their own perogative. I've always been an advocate for people not coming to my BLOG and being careful not to step on my toes.....I love the variety, I see the humour, and I NEVER blame anyone for being tough, for being funny, for being bitchy...(u know who you are)......or for being contradictive. We are like a hand, all fingers are different lengths, but together, we are the hand.......maybe you see something that I dont, and vice versa....you have to be a little flexible where opinions are concerned...that's why I started BLOGGING in the first place.....I love ya'll...
10:23 PM
wait the (&*(_*&(*&# minute!!!
He married his best friends EX????!!!
aaawwwwww HELL (*)(*@)(*@)(*)_@(*)@()(*&(YUWIHE(P*EU @_(U OKWQNMDS )@Y SDEH@NBESD(WQINSD ALJS_*@)_)+(*&W!(^W*^@TSW@(W*SY) SN)AIJS_(*W!S_ (SJNASQ_)@(U)+E!(*& +)(Q* (&^*(S&TA*S&G.
OK, going to make raka's now.
10:49 PM
Salaam Alaikum Dear Sister,
I was looking at your list and divided them up in a different way. Most of those issues in some ways just apply to being married to ANY man -- at least one other that the Prophet (saw)! LOL! In other words, if it's a man you are married to, you're subject to these feelings and the turmoil men can unleash in your life.
That said, though, polygyny does MAGNIFY everything and all those struggles we have as women and wives are grossly exacerbated when our husband thinks he has so much to offer the women of the world that he can't limit himself to one wife... it gives the expression "God's gift to women" a whole new meaning... *insert sarcasm*
So chances are, unless you have had your fill of men altogether and are ready to become the Muslim world's answer to Mother Theresa, you are going to have to weather all the crap that comes along with loving a man.
I do agree with you that living in different countries is not usually a good formula for success in polygyny. The husband will always be able to take the easy way out and say he can't be fair with time or money because you are thousands of miles away. Believe me, this last visit I had to my hubby's country (returned to Qatar today) made me realize that even in the Arab world, the squeeky wheel gets the grease and unless you are under his nose squeeking like a 2 ton mouse, you ain't gettin' none o' that grease, girl.
So now you need to think what is the environment you want for your children. Can you be happy living in Canada again, or do you want to exert pressure for him to move back to Egypt? Is that economically viable? Will Ms. Moroccan Magic want to live in Egypt, too? Hmmmmm.... it would be such a shame if the shoe was on her foot and she had to be the one settling for a "one month husband" on occasional visits to Canada -- it might pinch her toes! ;-)))
Safa, you know the funny thing is that with time, you might be able to accept that he has another wife (I surprise myself sometimes), but you can NEVER accept him being unfair. And frankly, I am not sure he is a man of strong enough character to be scrupulously fair. He either has the instincts for it or he doesn't. Maybe he can condition himself to be fair with the right religious guidance, but he can't take something that was born of the haraam and make it suddenly halaal just because he says so. The man needs to get back to his religion big time -- and I don't just mean praying.
Love you, sissy safa,
PM
4:18 AM
ROFL at hijabisoverrated..I almost spit my coffee....that is funny....
7:57 AM
Oh yeah.....I had to re read hijabisoverrated's comment twice....LOLOLOL......
I've already exerted pressure for him to move to Egypt, and he is in the process of getting himself together. There has been a stall in that operation....not of his fault.....but it's has to do with gov't laws there.......
I don't think I'll be happy back in Canada......and when I asked Morrocan magic how she felt about coming to live in Egypt, cuz that was hubby's goal...she answered me..."Morroco, Canada or even Egypt....I don't mind where I live." Notice the order, eh? Hubby has said when he comes back to Egypt for good, he won't be going back. So that means Morrocan Magic will have to make a choice.......leaving Canada means leaving her kids.....hubby once told me that he'll never make her chose between him and her kids....in fact, he's told me a lot of BS....when I get to Canada, I'm gonna see for myself what's true and what ain't.
And you know what, PM? My hubby doesn't miss a prayer. SubhanALLAH.....but obviously he's missing in other areas....May Allah give him what he needs, ameen.
10:53 AM
Mr. PM2 doesn't miss a prayer either -- but he has lapsed far from his faith. Sometimes, it is not the public manifestations of being a Muslim which reveal the most about one's character. You get my drift?
I still think some solid Islamically grounded guidance is in order for him. And once you have him reprogrammed, send the sheikh in my direction! :)))
Salaam Alaikum, Sis,
PM
11:49 AM
walaikumus salaam,
I heard that there's a new way of dealing with ur hubby...it's called opening a can of "whoop ass". I'm thinking of asking the sheikh here if he approves this method....I let you know.
And you know what PM? My brother calls me sissy...when I read that I was happy to see it......
10:50 PM
As-saaamu alaykum, i am catching up been outta of business for a few days now ( not on the computer). After reading all the comments I for got what it is that I was going to say. Some of you guys have really made it hard for me stop laughing and type, but that's okay cause I love to laugh.
Safa or shall I call you Sister Soldier, lol? Continue to think things over while still have time and then make a decision based on what's best for you and the kids. Okay so you were probably going to do that anyway, right. Silly me. I am still laughing at some of the comments, next time I will comment first and then read the rest, right? I dunno. Love you, fisibillah. As-salaamu Alaykum.
3:41 PM
As-saaamu alaykum, i am catching up been outta of business for a few days now ( not on the computer). After reading all the comments I for got what it is that I was going to say. Some of you guys have really made it hard for me stop laughing and type, but that's okay cause I love to laugh.
Safa or shall I call you Sister Soldier, lol? Continue to think things over while still have time and then make a decision based on what's best for you and the kids. Okay so you were probably going to do that anyway, right. Silly me. I am still laughing at some of the comments, next time I will comment first and then read the rest, right? I dunno. Love you, fisibillah. As-salaamu Alaykum.
3:41 PM
Hi Safa: HA's bloh led me to yours. I am not in a polygamist relationship, but I am married to an Egyptian Muslim. I've commented on this in HA's blog, but I see the same issues creeping up here in yours. I've seen instances in Egypt where polygamy is anticipated. Women are prepared for it, to some degree. That does not take away from the catty behaviour, the jealousy, and all the other things that go with sharing a man with another woman.
I read an article that said in 2001, no more than 3 % of Egyptian men marry more than one woman (I'm starting to think that those who did, married converts to Islam based on the talk on a lot of these blogs ;-)). They don't marry more than one for many reasons, but ability to fairly provide (even on a financial level) between multiple women is hard. And aside from finances, my goodness, one only needs to skim through the group of bloggers who are in a position similar to your own to know about the inbalance in emotional equality. Imagine that a woman in small village shares her husband with more than one woman. She entered marriage from a much more practical standpoint. Is she jealous of the time he spends with the other(s)? Well, those Egyptian soap operas would certainly lead us to believe that (you might recall the Ramadan serial that went on for weeks in which the man had 4 wives). I suppose my point is that how she approached him, who she is, what you feel she does to upset you....I don't think any of that is relevant. The core of the issue is that he married another woman, and if that wasn't an emotional challenge in itself, he did it secretly. With all due respect, I think it's easy to deflect the anger towards the other woman. It makes forgiving him a lot of easier. I just don't believe that women are the enemy, and situations like this perpetuate that concept. To give an example, I used to live in Spain before moving to Egypt. Women in Spain are more or less still in a patriarch. Things have changed signficantly in the last 30 years, but they are still the ones who stay home with the sick child, the ones who don't get promoted because they have kids, the ones who bear the brunt of emotional responsibility in the family. Though this is changing in the bigger cities, change is slow to come in the villages. I would talk to well-educated Spanish women in Madrid who would say, "I trust my husband. It's those other bitches I don't trust." In moving to Egypt, I noticed a similar trend. When the balance of favour falls with men in society (I'm not saying "equal" or ignoring that Islam has unique roles for men and women), women view other women as the competition. Your husband's suggestion that whoever put the lipstick on his shirt would be punished by God...that sorta feeds the competition. It also perpetuates the imbalance.
"marry such women as seem good to you, two,three, or four of them. But if you fear that you cannot maintain equality among them, marry one only...."
Multiple wives in Tunisia is forbidden by law based on their interpretation of a later passage from the Quran.
"Try as you may, you cannot treat all your wives impartially."
I liken this to the interpretation by some who feel that the Prophet said a man could hit his wife if it was necessary. He indicates that the object used should be no larger than a toothbrush (sorry for the paraphrase-can't find the exact wording). Many interpret this to mean, don't ever touch your wife in a way that would harm her. One could ponder the thought that perhaps the Prophet wrote of the ability to marry up to four women, knowing that no good-intentioned Muslim man could ever do so fairly, and would therefore opt for just one wife. Peaceful thoughts in your direction...
9:34 AM
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