Something is going on......
Well, here's something different in the tangled web of my life.......
Hubby called me and asked me to go into the room where the kids couldn't hear me.......I'm thinking.........WTH??? So he says....I'm thinking about bringing you and the kids to Canada for a visit...what do you think?
(brain thinking here....whiz whiz whiz.......thinking thinking...)
What do I think??? It's what I want.....I need some time with him....I need to get to Canada to see what the hell is going on there....I wanna see my mom and brother.....and if I make major decisions....it would be easier for me to do it in Canada than here in Egypt....so........breath, breath....and I say......
"Thats a pretty big step....what brought you to it?"
So he says he has many reasons, but will only cite one...which is , I think you need it.
But I know that he needs something....I suspect if he's gonna close up business there, that he has some paperwork to do....maybe a load of it......and he sucks at paperwork......he isn't so great that all of a sudden, he is giving in.....there's something in it for him.....and don't forget....just weeks ago he was telling me, if you come here, you are going to ruin our life.....big switch, don't ya think? And maybe he wants us to bring back a bunch of stuff with us......that's 10 luggages, you know?
So I calmed down....was nice....and said the right things....
"You have nothing to worry about from me if that's what ur scared of.....I am committed to our marriage even if I'm not happy"
"I look at this as a step forward with you taking some responsibility and I appreciate this"
I couldn't help but to ask a couple of questions.......too curious to stop myself.......
"will you be going back and forth between me and co wife?" No, he said......(he owes me 2 months and 10 days)
"Is part of the reason you are bringing us is to meet cowife?" No, he said again.....but if you wanna meet her that's fine.
Do I?.............I don't. I have no respect for her.....I'm sorry. Ya rab!! I just can't understand how she could ask my hubby to marry her, give her kids up, and then agree it's better to keep it a secret and not to tell me...........would she like it if someone did that to her?? So it's already off to a bad start with her......never mind how I feel about my husband........I think I'll pass.........if and when she gets to Egypt, and I have to deal with her for the remainder of my life.....then I'll think about it.....but for now......I'm not even curious.
Well, here it goes friends. My BIL just called and asked me to send down the passports.....seems like they are booking tickets.......we can't leave until after August 8th..........OMG.....OMG..........
Is this the beginning of the end? Or a new page in my book?? I'm a jumble of emotions right now........but am trying to keep in focus........obviously there is something in this for him.......I'll just have to find out when I get there........should I get there........
posted by Safa at 10:18 AM
11 Comments:
wow, subhanAllah!!! what a shift in events. insha'Allah i pray that whatever comes out of this that Allah subhanahu wa ta^ala makes it easy on you and your children. stay strong. stay focused. remain patient. and always remember what your ultimate purpose is in this life and that is to submit to the Will of Allah. i look forward to updates insha'Allah.
11:56 AM
my grandfather had two wives. its itneresting how the focus is on the effect on the first wife. I remember hearing of my grandmothers depression (she wa the first wife) and how she took to her bed for days unable to get up. In Pakistan in the 30's what were you going to do? You had to suffer you had no choice. Whats more interesting is how it affected her children and she may never haven oticed. How hurt my mother grew to have a mother who wasn't fully hers.
I have respect for you for your patience and forebearance. I also hope that one day you will get out. I'm normally not such an opinionatedp erson, you can read my blog, its not too controversial.. but... still. I feel like this is something I had to say. I've just seen the side effects of it. It hurts.
12:35 PM
I guess what I was tryign to say is: my grandmother did not have a choice. You do. I hope you know that you do indeed have a choice.
12:36 PM
As-salaamu Alaykum, Safa. I can almost hear the curiosity in your voice as I'm reading. I don't know about you but I'm a very anxious person ans I can't stand not knowing what's next. It drives me crazy. May Allah help me, aameen. Insha-Allah this is something good for all involved. I bet you were up all night playing out different scenarios in your head trying to figure your hubby out, lol. Continue to be patient, insha-Allah.
3:20 PM
I'm going to have to agree with Aisha. I was debating with myself for a long time about whether I should say anything because I dont want to disrespect you and your decisions for your life. You are smart and fully capable of making your own decisions, so please dont mind my opinions.
With that said, I cant help but say that I hope you get out of this situation. Are you staying with him for the sake of your kids? I just dont udnerstand how you can just accept this and even try to make things better for him! Why? Is he deserving of that?? Does he still deserve your love and understanding?
I was so angry yesterday when I read your blog, and my anger came out at my husband (poor guy). I told him if he ever did something like this to me I would leave him in a heartbeat. Ofcourse easier said than done, I know, but I honestly could never ever deal with this situation. He was actually pretty disgusted with your husband's actions too.
I would feel sorry for the other woman if she did not know that your husband was a married man and was duped into marrying him. But as it is, she is extremely slimey as well. I can think of worse names than "slimey" but I'll hold my tongue.
Anyway, maybe going to Canada will be good for you. You have your own family there correct? I dont know what your relationship is like with them, but I hope they are supportive of you and will support you through this tough time. It might be nice to see them.
I am praying for the best for you and your children. And I hope you can forgive my opinions. I cannot even begin to fathom the strength you have.
5:39 PM
ya safa... i am making du'a for you sister! what the heck is going with men these days? inshaa allah you have a safe trip and get some peace of mind after all is said and done! keep us all posted!!!! love, jilbabble
8:44 PM
as I've said before....I love opinions....that's why I BLOG. It helps me look at things from other perspectives....and then in the end, it is always my choice about what I want to do with all my "information". You know, Aisha....I did take to my bed.....I was VERY depressed for the longest time....now I'm just numb. But what I do know.....is that things have gotten in my way to stall me, that I believe are Allah's way of saying...slow down.
#1 when I found out...there was still 5 mos of school left.....I had to think of my kids....no action can be taken until school is out
and then when school let out...my oldest who was the most seriously effected by her fathers remarriage...she's 14.....who always gets in the 80's plus range....failed two ....yes TWO....subjects. Everyone knows why...and my hubby was very upset about it....(and with himself too I am sure)
#2....so now I'm stuck again with decisions until she finishes her summer school...which is August 8th.....
And believe me...i've been thinking...biding my time.....thinking...good muslimah....hurt woman.....flip flop flip flop......
And then outta the blue...the phone call....he wants to bring us to Cda......its what I wanted....I pray he isn't joking on me.....but going to Cda was something that I knew I had to do, if I wanted to salvage our marriage. As long as I'm in the dark here in Egypt....I'd always be wondering...just what the hell was he doing over there????
My mother is very supportive of me.....my brother is the same age as my oldest.....I just can't wait to see her. I miss her so much.
I was playing out scenes in my head.......and wondering how soon he's gonna try to put whatever plans he has in motion?? I'm talking about paperwork and stuff.......like I said....I know there's some beneficial reason for him doing this....and it ain't...."I think you need it"....puh lease......I'm so tired of being naive........
10:12 PM
Dear Sister Safa,
I am curious about this. Does this mean your children will be enrolling in school in Canada? Have they attended Canadian schools before and do you speak English in the home so they won't have any problem?
Or is this a "visit" and they will return to school in Egypt? Are you having to pack your house to close it up for an extended period?
And what did you mean by this: "I am committed to our marriage even if I'm not happy"
Do you mean that you are willing to sacrifice your happiness for his? What impact do you think having an unhappy, self-sacrificing mother will make on your daughters as they prepare themselves for marriage and motherhood?
Insha'Allah, something will come about that will allow you to at least feel like you are taking some control over your life. I know first-hand how it feels when you have lost that.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
6:53 AM
We are only going for a visit, the kid won't be enrolling in school there. Yes, my girls have been in school in Canada....all my kids speak english....it's all we speak at home.....they also speak english when they are alone among themselves...(which is a good idea to how well they speak)......they are all totally bi-lingual.....with my 8 yr old being the best in arabic among them because she started KG here in Egypt......my 3 yr old speaks a little half and half.....she throws in an arabic word here and there when she speaks......and a bunch of gibberish besides...
I'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness....I'm willing to look for a sort of happiness that is not dependant on him....you know what I mean....I think I've spent most of my marriage thinking my world revolves around hubby. He has hinted that he is going to divorce this woman.....and that will be a beginning to solving our problems. If ever there came a time in his life where he hides things from me...hints at another wife....etc, etc....that will be the end. (he keeps saying that he married this woman cuz she had problems and the only way he could help her was to marry her....) A stupid story....but I plan on him finishing her problems.....and coming home.......
You make a good point though......and I shall think of that much in these coming days.......as it is....both my oldest have said they aren't willing to be hurt by a man like their mother....subhanALLAH.....
8:33 AM
Yes, sister. It can be a big burden to deal with your own stuff AND shoulder the responsibility for the example a mother sets but it is our reality. I feel glad that I did not remarry as long as I was raising my children and in fact did not enter into this relationship until they both had stable, healthy relationships of their own, al hamdulillah. Ahhhh, the burdens of being an intelligent, aware woman striving to be the best wife and mother she can be. I used to joke with my friends saying I who thought nothing of backhandind her child and telling them to "shut the haaaaaaale up!" LOL! Kidding, of course!
But now I understand what you mean about not making your life center around having him around, which I think is always a good life strategy. Insha'Allah he has truly seen the error of his ways and how much he stands to lose (in changing the nature of your marital and family relationship). I pray that you will be finding some peace in regard to your marriage soon, insha'Allah.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
PS: Maash'Allah about your bilingual kids! If only I had come upon Arabic before the age of 40! ;-)
9:30 AM
I don't speak to my co wife....and when my hubby left last time...he didn't even bring her back a present...unless he bought her something at duty free....mind you, in the entire time he was with me, he didn't buy me anything either.....I haven't heard from hubby yet....but I know that money and passports have been take to get us tickets......I don't think I'll be bringing co wife a present....maybe I could kiss one of hubbies shirts and spray some perfume on the lipstick stain like she did.....naw.....maybe I could bring her a douche....naw.....I wouldn't lower myself to her level......I don't even want to meet her. I'm sorry that I'm so bitter.....
I need to work harder on setting that good example to my kids.....I think I am probably doing horribly now.......my husband had the nerve to tell me last visit that I am "ruining his kids".....that hurt me deep.....
10:51 PM
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