If I could save time in a bottle.......
Happy Anniversary to me.
Sheesh, anniversaries are so over-rated.
Anyhoo, Hubby called me at exactly 10:01pm.......I set his alarm for 3pm in Canada.....7 hours time difference.....o ya......he saw the clock flashing Happy Anniversary. He must have felt like a turd.
Good.
I somehow, in the back of my mind, thought that possibly hubby had orchestrated a surprise for me. A gift to be delivered to remind me that he does truly love me. I thought maybe the cell phone he promised.....a piece of jewellery.......a new watch (he knows my old one is broken)........maybe even a wonderful bouquet of flowers. Naaaah.
So when he calls back....he goes on about my behaviour.....how I didn't encourage him to be good to me.....how he hasn't done anything haraam. And I answer with.....who said it was haraam? What you did, hurt me. Haraam or halal.
Dead end.
I hate the part about where I don't encourage him. Hmmmmmm. I do the makeup always when available...sleep in the nicest lingerie.....go and change my clothes the moment he walks in the door.....wear my gold at home....offer him choice pieces of meat....pass him the olives.....the itsy bitsy tiny things that make him feel special. But this visit....I couldn't do it and pretend to be happy. I just couldn't let go. Couldn't handle when he tried to touch me.....tried to put his arm around me casually......like there was absolutely nothing wrong. There was just so much going on inside.
And here he is on the phone accusing me of creating all these new problems......telling me I was difficult and that he "tried"......and that if ur own wife acts like that with you......then what??
I think I was more like an egg....I had this hard looking shell......that was just waiting to break......just a hit in the right spot....a little effort.....an outpouring of love.......a show of emotion. Just to hold me and let me cry.
It didn't happen that way......and now it seems, I'm to blame. Will we never get it right together again? When does the pain stop being so near the surface?? I need time.
I need time. If I would have had my 4 mos.......I bet there would have been a change. Insha ALLAH, there would have been. When you've been gone for 4 mos, and have been mentally torturing someone on the phone, you can't expect to find heaven waiting for you for a month. R u kidding?
I'm human. I have faults. I am in pain. I hurt.
I need................what?..........a husband??........what?............a friend?..............WHAT DO I NEED????
Doesn't anyone have a magic cure? Drink this and BANG! Ur pain is gone!! Take two tablets and all your worries will be gone!! A spoonful of this bitter brew will make life look glorious!!
I need time. That's why men have to be fair with their time between their wives. It makes a difference. It does.....it will. Please send me a bottle of time.
posted by Safa at 1:23 PM
11 Comments:
maybe that is what the saffron was for.....I am sorry I wish there was something I could do to help but walah you are more than welcome to come here with your kids and stay or just visit it is all good....
3:46 PM
I'd just like to point out that the copyright on the word "turd" is my own. Notice on line # 4, I say..."he must have felt like a turd.".......I can laugh.....man......it seems like my humour is the only thing that saves me!! And ur right...it is a mid life crisis.
I've thought about it.....about what he must be saying to the other woman....pretending whatever he is pretending......knowing inside him that he's gonna let her blow in the wind. I wonder if ever one day he'll come up with, "I divorced her because of you...." Now that would be interesting........
11:14 PM
BTW, he has never told me that he will actually 'drop' the lady....he keeps hinting at it....maybe another one of his mind games.........??
11:15 PM
Salam Alaykum
Well i just read your whole blog in one go. I'm too shocked to say much other than i hope Allah relieves you of this horrible situation and pain. You deserve better, you deserve your dignity, your peace of mind, not this torture at the mercy of such an inconsiderate and selfish man. I'm crying inside for you.
BTW i live in Canada... ;)
6:07 AM
My husband (also a turd) does the same thing about my co-wife....he tells me all the time that he's not going to stay with her...that her beliefs are too different from his and that he'd never want her to be the mother of any of his children....but then he keeps stringing her along. She's realizing that he's playing games though, so I don't know where this is going to go.
6:08 AM
yeah.....he also told me that he wasn't having any kids with this woman.....btw....she gave up her kids to marry my husband.....gave them to her ex.....an 11 yr old and an 8 yr old. The oldest is a boy and the other is a girl. I told my hubby that any woman who would give up her kids to marry again doesn't have any respect from me.....and I'd be scared if she had his kids. I don't know if it sunk in anywhere.
Thanks J, for the nice words.....that must be quite a read if you did it in one go.......if things go the way I expect....there are going to be many life changes going on here......but not at the sacrifice of my marriage.....
9:15 AM
It seems to me that all women in polygyny come to a point where it is not about the other wife/ wives but really all about the husband. So whether he stays with this one, or leaves her like the last one, it is really all about you and him. After all, as he likes to point out, it is his "right" to have more than one wife..
I don't know how a woman gets past being treated unfairly and having her marital rights abused. If I knew that, I would probably be happily married, LOL! But what I do know is that this is not about the other woman -- or all the "other women" in the world. It is about men who do not have what it takes to be a good husband to more than one woman.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
10:45 AM
What a well made point....thank you
1:24 PM
Peaceful Muslimah,
You are so very right about this. I'm pretty sure this is my biggest complaint with my husband. Kinda like, "Um honey...why don't you try to be a good husband to me first before you go out and try to exercise your rights? What about my rights?" There are so many things that are lacking because my husband cannot provide them, but yet he thinks he can spread himself around even more? You may have inspired me to write about this....I'm letting it churn around for a moment.
6:15 AM
Safa, I've just read some of your posts and I am so ANGRY. I am angry at how you, a beautiful muslim sister, have been treated. Who does this man think he is? I'm really just too angry to say anything. I just yelled and screamed at my husband about how men think they have the RIGHT to treat their wives this way, and that this RIGHT is given to them by Islam. If he is treating you this unjustly, then this is NOT his right. The Quran says only marry more than one if you can do justice between them. He is not doing justice with you, so marrying that woman is NOT his right, and I would assert that he is sinning. He is sinning. And this woman who gave up her children to be with him, who knew(?) that he was married and went ahead and broke your home anyway...who are these women? Dont they think? Dont they have hearts? Ya Allah.
I read the blog of another Muslimah who was until recently in a polygamous relationship and has since gotten out of it since her husband divorced the second one. She is currently studying so she can leave this man and be able to support herself. The url is http://hedonist.progressiveislam.org/. Maybe you can find some support there.
I dont know what else to say except that I'm praying for you. May Allah swt make things easier for you and do His justice in this world and in the next.
8:07 PM
she knew he was married....in fact....he was friends with her husband/ex......he tried for a year to bring them back together....and in the end...turned around and married her in 3 days......his "best friend" flipped out...(of course) and this woman was in heaven.....she had a crush on him since the beginning. I was telling hubby for a year....back off from this family.....they are getting too close to you...she was sending presents to me and the kids before he ever married her......he's BLIND...and that's what makes my blood boil. When I start thinking I get ANGRY too.....just wanna blow up.....thing is....it doesn't get me anywhere, doesn't make things better, just feels good for the moment. I wish hubby had my sort of self control.
12:21 AM
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