Just 10 more days, my precious.........
Hey everyone......you know....I just wanted to say how much I love all of your opinions and perspective. It's like having people on my side to look outside the circle and I need that so very much. So I was reading the comments to my last post and decided to comment here...
peacefulmuslimah said...
I do know that time helps one to come to terms a little better with polygyny. I have been in this situation for 14 months now and I don't feel like I am on the emotional roller coaster that I was a year ago.
You are right on that one.....just 7 short months ago I was dying....hurting so bad.....running circles around myself...waking up screaming at night.....you name it. And you know what is worse?? I was alone. Someone else decided to tell me that hubby was married.....and he was in Canada when I found out.....he couldn't come until 6 weeks after I found out. I was nuts. But somehow....I've gotten to the flipside of crazy....the emotions are dead.....it hurts deep....not on the surface anymore. (I still feel like crap tho!!)
beaver said...
why did he smirk? why is it so difficult for him to speak to her out of the house?......does this woman know that you dont like your husband to talk to her in your house?.....i dont understand how she can live with herself knowing that you are alone in egypt with 4 children and not getting your rights. :(
I don't know why he smirked.....but I think he's planning to divorce her.....he won't come out and say it......but he's said hints here and there. Like when he comes back to Egypt he's going to live the rest of his life with me......that whatever has been done, can be undone....etc etc......I couldn't care less about the little hints.....I want my rights NOW....I'm not planning to step down.....and if he makes the wrong choice....I sure as hell won't!! The woman DOES know that I don't like her calling....I've told her that personally and she promised not to call again.....(she also promised last summer to leave my husband alone when he told her that he doesn't want to marry her)......so basically....I can't believe either of them....he's gonna do what he wants to do.....to hell with me..........I don't think that she's like us normal people.....I could never agree to be a second wife unless wife #1 knew and agreed.....I couldn't send my co wife a douche as a first gift.......she can't love me more than I love myself....truth is....she was in love with my husband and wanted him for HER.......u see where I'm going???
I swore in arabic today.....I've never done that before.....but I got so frustrated. I told hubby PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE not to talk to co wife in the house. That it isn't the first time for me to ask him.....but that it hurts me and makes me sad. He went on about how she has rights on him.....and that it's emergencies.....and that this is his house....blah blah BLAH!!!! So I just said...fine....all your reasons I understand.....but when you are HERE with ME....you should be concerned about ME....and if you don't mind upsetting me....making me cry.....and have no heart for my feelings....just go right ahead and talk to her......so when he tried to say something in his defense...I got mad and told him....NEVER MIND.....I"M SHARMOUTA, BINT AL KELB.....DO WHAT YOU WANT!!!
Oh God, friends.....I gotta do something about this anger....I swear I was never this bad. It's the frustration that is killing me.
Count the days with me....10. 10, 10, 10. That's all I have to suffer.....then afterwards......who knows??? I also told hubby today...that we've gotten nowhere and that our relationship is HURTING big time......he says he's tried everything....HA! I told him everytime you try you end up getting ur foot stuck in ur mouth!! LOLOLOL!!
I just wanna say....deep down inside.....I love him....but I want him back for me.....I know it's selfish from an islamic point of view....but I want my OLD hubby back.....in the old way........where he made us feel like we were the other half of his world......as long as he's between two countries......that's not going to happen anytime soon.
Who ever knew that polygyny could be so draining???
posted by Safa at 10:35 AM
11 Comments:
ASA:
You said: Who ever knew that polygyny could be so draining???
The Prophet (PBUH) knew it could be very draining which is why he wouldn't allow it for his own daughter.
Hadis no. 2473 page 687: -I heard the Prophet (SA) saying from the Mimbar – "Hisham Mugeera proposed to me for the marriage of his daughter to Ali Ibne Talib (RA). But I did not allow and I will not allow until Ali (RA) divorces my daughter Fatima (RA). Because Fatima is a part of my body. I hate what she hates and whatever hurts her hurts me."
I think more people need to read this Hadith over and over and let it sink in. Men just don't do things because they can do them. If it hurts their spouse they shouldn't do it period.
Dammit women for the Love of Allah SWT please put in your nikka contract: 5, 6, 7, 19, 23, 26
5. Couple agrees that this is a monogamous union; Husband voluntarily relinquishes his right to pursue or take on any other wives during the course of this marriage. Wife will not pursue other husband during the course of this marriage.
6. Couple agrees to provide financial restitution to the injured party if the bonds of marriage are broken. The penalty will be 20% of offender’s net income for the year. If offender is not working then he/she must pay a minimum of $10,000 per incident. The restitution must be paid in full within 8 months of discovery.
7. In observation of proper Islamic etiquette, husband and wife agree not to conduct private personal non-business-related interactions with members of the opposite sex in person, telephonically, electronically, by written correspondence, etc. without each other’s consent.
19. Our home will be a place of peacefulness, obedience, responsibility, consideration, honesty, respect, safety, trust, open communication, growth, and love.
23. We will make every possible effort to resolve conflicts before going to bed.
26. We will make decisions by consultation and consensus. If we can not reach consensus, and if the issue is not already covered by this contract, the Wife will concede to the Husband, so long as his decision is in accord with the Qur’an, except in financial matters in which case the Husband concedes to the Wife. (change the concede to whom ever is better with money).
11:02 AM
As-salaamu Alaykum, Safa. Suban-Allah, I feel your pain, I've been there four times before. I mean polygny. It took a lot out of me physically and mentally. I can remember plenty of times thinking when will this ever end, not my husbands marriages but the anger and frustration that the whole situation was causing me. I had to continuously remind myself that there is benefit in this or Allah would not have made it permissable or dereed it for me. After having been through some of the worst situations, I actually love the idea of polygny, now. I learned alot from the hardships that I experienced. It helped increase my taqwaa as well as my subr, masha-Allah. I sincerely believe that you and your husband can get through this. The patience you exibit is something to be proud of, masha-Allah. I have posted here before and from what I can see, your husband doesn't seem to be a bad person, just a brother with his priorities mixed up as well as a few other issues that most man have (like their desires). I know he's trying you right now, but continue to be the best wife you can be and insha-Allah your husband will follow behind and be that husband good old husband you know he's capable of being. May Allah preserve your marriage, Aameen. Love you, fisibillah. As-salaamu Alaykum.
4:21 PM
Assalaamu alaikum,
When I read, I am angered that my sister and so many others are being treated like this within Islamic marriages. I agree its a shame that Safa's husband is acting so callous with her. But most likely he is doing this because HE CAN. And he knows. He knows, like most men, that their wives love them and usually will stick it out to the end for them. Maybe too this is just a crazy stage in his life and he will go back to his old self after he tires of the "excitement" of having women doing circles around him. Although, Allaah Yallim, how long this is gonna take. What will be left of our sister Safa? Will she be sane? Will she even be able to be happy? May Allaah rectify the situation of Muslims and allow us to take our aamanah seriously, amiin.
MuslimMommie-Marriage is Islam was set up to be a blessing and protection to both males AND females. There is no benefit in marriages where Muslim men set up homes based on deception and oppression with their wives. As you already witnessed four times, those types of marriages end quickly in divorce. We should not confuse polygyny as practiced by our noble nabi sallallaho alayhi wasallam with what far too many Muslim men are playing around with these days. At best it's a mockery of the deen and abuse of their rights.
8:08 PM
Assalaam aleykum
I wasn’t going to comment because I don’t want to offend anyone but mashallah musleema and hijabisoverated make so much sense that I want to say my two cents worth.
First, the hadith that hijabisoverated quoted is often misquoted by many Muslims who believe that Muhammed (pbuh) refused polygamy to Ali because he was marrying a specific woman. That may be one of the reasons but if that was the sole reason that Ali would have married other women during Fatima’s life, which he didn’t. Muhammed (pbuh) greatly loved two women – Khadijah and his daughter Fatima, and he didn’t want polygamy for either one of them. Period.
Second, Sunnah is not everything that Muhammed (pbuh) did; it is what he preached to other people through words and action which he thought would be useful to his ummah and lets face it polygamy was not one of them. He never preached polygamy. He left taraweeh, and didn’t make wadu every time after relieving himself only for the fear that people will make it sunnah. This is why he was married so many times but ordinary Muslim men can’t. He preached that camel’s urine has medicinal properties; he had female slaves; he applied hennah to his feet and hair, and hands – will Muslim men in the 21st century do that? Will they apply hennah and attend business meetings? Will they drink camels’ urine? Will they keep prisoners of wars as female slaves? The world is changing and yes, if it is or was permissible doesn’t mean that you kill yourselves to let your husband be surrounded by women.
Now Safa what your husband is done is NOT halal – if that is any consolation. You have the right to be mad.
1. He made a deal with you that you’ll raise the kids in Egypt. No where in that deal was it mentioned that he’ll get someone to look after his desires – twice. Was it?
2. He kept secrets from you. That is not Islamic. A man must tell his wife about his other marriages. What difference is there between marrying someone in hiding and having mistresses or affairs then? Those who think it is not important for their first wives to know don’t know anything themselves! Ali told his intentions to everyone even to the father of his wife. That is the proper Islamic way.
3. He is not ‘just’ between you two. That is simple. How is it a great Islamic marriage then?
4. He upsets you to please her. If she has rights over him from so far away, don’t you have rights over him?
The questions you should ask yourself are:
1. Will he really divorce this woman? And if yes, are you sure there won’t be another one?
2. Will things return to how they were even if he divorced her or would you keep suspecting him always?
3. Most importantly, how is this affecting your children? Is he thinking about them as a father should? Is he fulfilling his duties as a father, which doesn’t mean just providing fro them financially?
4. Does he love you? I mean does he really love like he did or should? Hurting you like this, threatening you with divorce, is that love?
5. Would you like to love a man who hurt you and cheated you so many times?
6. Will you be able to sustain yourself if you left him?
7. Will you be able to live without him?
8. A man married to you is so much trouble, how much trouble will he be if you divorced him?! Do you think you’ll be able to deal with custody issues and decisions raising your children with him if he wasn’t married to you anymore?
9. Which situation is better for the psychology and well being of your children – divorce or father’s polygamy? If he divorces her will it make things better for your kids, will they feel like before?
10. If you continue to care for him like you wrote in one post you did, will he stop treating you like a doormat eventually or is it better to stop and let him feel how much you did when you don’t anymore?
Hope things become easy for you, that is all we can say and pray.
Salaam
8:54 PM
I'll go with the incredibly naive possibility. No culture is free of crime, free of making mistakes......neither are "modern" women free of abusive husbands. We live in a world where anything is possible....open your eyes.....
5:24 AM
For the person who thinks that what I have said is a made up story, that's fine because YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE are entitled to your own opinions. However, all of what I have said is the truth. I have no reason to lie. My objective here was not to get sympathy from you or anyone else. Niether was I trying to create an exciting tale. My objective was to let SAFA know that I was speaking from experience, that's all. So please speak NOT, of that which you have no knowledge of. HINT: ME. Thank you.
12:12 PM
Don't worry Muslim Mommie. Some people just seem to troll the blogs for someone to criticize. Let it roll off your back Sister.
Every Muslimah knows that polygyny is something we all may face. Thank you for speaking so candidly about your own experiences so that others might learn and be comforted.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
12:30 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
8:33 AM
hmm, I don't think kelticgirl is muslimah. So somethings prolly are new to her or beyond her scope. Either way don't stress over a comment sister. salam.
8:36 AM
Asalaamu alaikum,
I must say that I wish I knew when I got married what i know now. Not that it would have really changed things that much but it would have prevented alot of pain and that betrayed feeling.....
7:55 AM
oh habibti you will never have that old husband back, people don't go back to who they were, only forward. who knows how he will be even if he does divorce this particular female. who is to say that sooner or later you won't be going thru this again.
be strong. this is not halaal, what he has done. all this about rights and obligations, why is it that only YOU and your children are sufferung and getting the short end of the stick in terms of rights and obligations, but he is doing whatever the heck he wants at your detriment. in your previous post he said he won't do such and such if a shaikh tells him not to. Does he actually need a shaikh to tell him what is wrong is wrong? and did u tell him what the shaikh said and then did he agree to stay?
don't be naive. you don't have to accept this.
get back to Canada and away from an environment where you have to manipulate and curse to get what you know is yours from a man who is playing you and your precious children. You are worth it. take care of yourself.
3:27 AM
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