Hubby has taken me out......I don't think we've accomplished much. We had a nice dinner, and it was so reminiscent of the times of old....just him and I.....comfortable companionship....easy laughter.....and yet....there I was, sitting on the end of my seat, pent up......worried when we would "start" to talk about the purpose of this outing. When we finally got around to it.......it was just so....unfulfilling....for lack of a better word. As if the soul was taken right outta us.
For the first time in all our marriage....I am talking....I am expressing....I am letting it all out. It's either that....or I lose my mind. I am so much on this precipice that he can't even begin to understand. It's not about the other wife....its about the betrayal...the lies, the manipulation, and his denial of it.
I have this great american friend here in Egypt.....she's 53 yrs old.......and she keeps advising me to "play the game". Tells me just to take it easy, be like, no problem habeebee....I'm here for you....blah blah. I know she has a point. She tells me, it's not haraam..........no matter how it happened......just let it go. What's done is done. So get on with ur life. And when she's telling me this stuff....I look at her....I know she's right. and I really wish I could listen.
But it just hurts so damn much! Mind you, my situation started so horribly.....but the feelings, the craziness, the fears, the hopes, the shattered dreams, the reality of it all, is what is killing me. I'm just stuck at this crossroads and thinking....what next??
So here I am, standing at this fork in the road........take the left or take the right? Take the good or take the bad? Which is it? You know what I think it comes down to? Just one teeny, tiny step. Just one. The problem with this itty bitty step is that it has a name. Written across this step, (that looks like a cloud with a silver lining) is one word in all capital letters. What is it?
FORGIVENESS.
Oh yeah. I can even picture it in my mind. Me standing at this fork in the road, like that poem by Robert Frost, "two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and being one traveller long I stood......" And this little white marble step on the ground that has FORGIVENESS written on it. Can you see it too? Oh how I wish I could just step on the damn thing! Just get past that point and on with my life. I'm sure if I could do that, I'd be running the rest of the way. Whats' my problem? Stubborness? Anger? Both? Yes.....it's both. And as much as I try to tell my husband......he still won't understand......and as much as I cry......it still doesn't fix the problem.......and as much as I think, and think, and think, and think........I still get nowhere. You know why I don't get anywhere? Cause I love him. If I could just detach my heart a little, I'd be okay......if I could just hold back. And subhanALLAH.....even with this detachment.......I hurt. I can't see the wisdom behind the lies...the reasoning...the justification. The "why"?
I had promised myself to wait until summer before I make any decisions. Well, here it is. My girls have finished school here in Egypt and we were supposed to go to Cda. As you all know.....that didn't happen....and instead of him coming and staying with us for 4 mos.....he's staying with us a month. Yet another idea of his "fairness". After another one of our talks this morning.....I sat listening while he tries to justify his staying for only a month....and telling me that I have to understand that I will RUIN his life if I come to Canada with the kids for the remainder of the summer. (Which makes me think, WTH is going on over there that he so desperately wants to keep us away from it???) He told me that if I asked a shaikh in Egypt what my rights are...and if the shaikh says that he has to give me my 4 mos...that he'll listen. Well...this just in. I sent a message to a shaikh who is well known here......and his answer is...."unless I am willing to give up my rights of time....my hubby is obligated to give me the SAME amount of time that he has given the other wife....and if that means taking us with him to Canada for the remainder of the summer....so be it. He HAS to be fair" Alhamdulillah.
I haven't told hubby this yet........maybe later tonight. But this morning, my hubby told me that he will not discuss the issue of my rights again....and if I try to pressure him to taking us to Canada again, he will divorce me first and send me on a one way ticket. I'm shocked. It makes me wonder even more about what the hell is going on over there........I'm scared, you know. You know what my biggest fear is right now?
Me.
I'm scared of what I might do. I'm thisclose to just telling hubby.....that's it. Go lie to someone else. Tell him get another babysitter. I could almost walk away. Almost. I am so MAD at him. MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD MAD!!!! Daring me to push for my rights........threatening me to push for my rights......wanting me to be patient....when I am sick and tired and NEED HIM. I deserve better than this. 5 yrs of our married life we dedicated together to raising these kids. He trusted me enough to leave me alone in Egypt to raise those girls.......I trusted him enough to leave him alone. He broke that.
I'll tell you a secret, tho.....I haven't been crying much anymore. Nope. Not even a tear. I'd been crying so much off and on.......but for awhile I've been in this sort of shocked stupor where even the tears have dried up. I've been just shaking those bad thoughts outta my head. Reading some Stephen King. Keeping busy. Praying. Doing laundry. Whatever it takes. I am so tired of crying. Crying is so over-rated.
Let me end with this....I read it online.....it says.....I cannot control how others will disappoint me....but I refuse to disappoint myself. Oh Allah.......please give me that strength. Ameen. That certainty of where I know who I am, I am comfortable with that and don't need anything more. Ameen.
That somehow I'll make it thru it....some semblance of my old self still intact. I''ll be able to look behind me and see that marble step shining....one itsy bitsy step......ohhhh.......how I wish I was ready. It just feels so much like jumping off a cliff.....I'm scared, too.
posted by Safa at 7:34 AM
8 Comments:
Sister,
As I started reading this and saw you write about forgiveness I was torn. I know in my heart that forgiveness is one way forward but at the same time, if it only a matter of you forgiving him and him learning from your generosity -- well then, yes, forgiveness is the way forward.
But forgiveness without a learned lesson on your husband's part will just put a period to this sentence. It won't put a period on the next sentence and the next and the next.... It won't change the way he handles his marriage or his rights and his responsibilty. In fact, it will validate him and then he will never be able to understand it if at some point in the future you ahve had it and can't consinue to firgive his betrayal or inability to be a fair and loving husband. Men tend to be creatures of habit and they don't like it when the rules change on them. They certainly don't seem to understand the concept of "limits" when it comes to the way their wives accept polygyny.
This American women you mention sounds like the overwhelming majority of Aran women I have talked to. They have a certain way of "playing" their husbands (and I don't mean this disrespectfully). It is simply what they have been taught and what they are convinced works in these situations. And maybe it would work for an Arab woman. After all, if you soothe him and act like nothing is wrong maybe he will start to compare you more favorably with the other wife, who may begin to nag when it is her rights not being fulfilled. Don't you see how easy it is to start playing this game and suddenly find yourself competing for the loving attention of a jerk? We know as Muslimahs we should not do this, but it starts to creep in....
Now he is threatening you, as well as slathering on the guilt that you might ruin his life if you don't accept that which is unacceptable. The Sheikh is right, of course, but don't expect it to make a difference, Safa. I have been here and when a man has reached the point that he would even consider being unjust between two wives, then no external force like a Sheikh, hadith, or trying to instill the fear of the Judgment day will change it. Only he can change it from within.
So, if he divorces you and buys your ticket back to Canada, what will you lose? Well, of course, you lose your marriage but you must assess if this marriage is what you want for the rest of your life. Would you lose your children? I cannot imagine that to be the case because I thought that according to Egyptian law under 15 they would stay in your custody and surely that would be the case in Canada! Besides, you do have family in Canada that can provide support through the hard times. I am not even sure that he could force you out of Egypt if you wanted to stay but you should consult a lawyer in these matters.
All I know is that I see a beautiful, smart, funny Muslimah who is being treated abominably by her husband who is so undeserving of the many Blessings Allah has bestowed on him. He has the opportunity to learn and grow from his mistakes but it appears he just wants to see how many more he can make.
Safa, what can I do for you sister?
Love,
PM
8:41 AM
It must be the water. What does he mean by ruin his life? What about your life? What is so monumental in Canada that would make his life ruined if you were there? I do not understand. Maybe I will go to Canada and do a little research.....
9:26 AM
P.S. I love you....Everything will work out Insha'Allah and you know that I am always here for you if you need me.
9:27 AM
here, here sisters. I can't agree more with pm. i feel so devastated by all that is happening to you, as if it were right beside you, drinking tea in you house while you recount your outing w/ your husband. i really wish i could be there for you!
you are such a strong woman, i admire you and pray that you find the peace of mind and happiness you deserve.
TE QUIERO MUCHO SAFA!
11:09 AM
assalaamu ^alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu my dear sister in islam. subhanAllah, your trials and pain weigh heavy on my heart and i can't help but wish that i could help rbing clarity and ease to your situation. i agree with your american friend in some of the advice she has offered you. yes, what your husband has done in the past isn't haraam, however, his adab in dealing with things has been less than favorable and inconsiderate of your feelings. i don't agree that you should "play the game," however, as long as you do not forgive him, that is exactly what you will be doing. your feelings of betrayal, disappointment, sadness, anger...as long as you have these feelings toward your husband, you will not be able to do anything but "function" in your marriage. for some people this works, the whole playing the role of the wife, nothing more nothing less. while i don't know you well, from what little i do know, i know that you are beyond simply playing roles, that playing the role will not fulfill you nor sustain you. you know, a little before my husband got remarried, i had some feelings of resentment and betrayal towards him. some of these feelings were indirectly connected to situations involving my co-wife, some were not. i carried around these feelings for months until finally a conversation he and i were having sparked something in me and i had a breakdown and let it all out. and subhanAllah, all it took was for my husband to say he was sorry, that he never intended to hurt me in any way. all it took was for him to acknowledge my feelings and take the blame for any pain he may have caused me, even if unintentional, and these feelings of resentment and betrayal i was carrying around were lifted just as easily as they had burdened my heart. you know, sometimes men have a hard time admitting when they were wrong. they have a hard time apologizing for the disappointment and pain they may have caused you. sometimes this reluctance to apologize is due to stubbornness, but sister, a lot of times it is due to the fact that they know they messed up and they feel ashamed. they feel ashamed because they know that they have certain responsibilities as your husband and they don't want to falter in those responsibilities or disappoint you because in doing this, it's a reflection of their shortcomings. and so, by apologizing, by owning up to their mistakes, they are owning up to the fact that they are not superman. and so instead, they choose to remain silent, to make you feel like you're overreacting, not realizing that this only makes things worse and that we don't expect them to be superman, we just want them to try their best and when they make a mistake, be man enough to admit it and to apologize. ahhh, the battle of understanding between the sexes!!! it's deep. sister you are in my duaas and please, whatever decision you make, make sure that it won't involve you merely functioning in your marriage.
11:49 AM
after reading thru the posts......I realize that my forgiveness isn't just based on me saying..."what the hell....".....it's based on him taking some responsibility, showing some effort, emotional support.......
I think if he'd admit he made a mess of things and a really poor decision.......who needs the word...sorry....but if he'd just own up to this major screw up instead of just trying to justify it all the time.....he may start making some sense.......
11:00 AM
assalamualaikum sister,
I agree with you. It's a sadaqah for you to forgive someone who has wronged you. But its a given that when you forgive someone that they will quit doing the thing that harms you. How can anyone forgive harmful/hurtful action(s) that are still occuring? Ya rabbi. Iam making dua for you ukhti.
1:56 PM
Assalaamu alaikum Safa,
I've caved in and started a blog...thanks to the help I find in yours in knowing that I'm not the only one struggling. Check out my post on bitterness...it relates to this post of yours.
10:18 AM
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