Where I stand.......
Okay, I've been sort of busy....but managed to post the pictures...finally!!
I thought I'd let you know that hubby and I finally "talked". Is that what you call when you communicate with a man?? Well.....he asked me to go for a walk with him, and I said yes....we went and prayed Isha prayer in the mosque....which was nice. After we prayed, we walked quite a long way...and started talking about 'safe' topics...namely, the children. And my husband told me what I always feared.....something that I even told him 6 yrs ago before we moved to Egypt and decided to live this split life. I had told him 6 yrs ago.....when the day comes where you tell me I've ruined the kids, or I can't wait for you to leave, you know it's time to come home to stay. So that's what happened yesterday.
I tried to talk to hubby about his lying, deception, manipulative behaviour. About the fact he got me to pick out clothes for his other wives and told me that it was for "business"....how does he condone that?? About hiding the first marriage from me.....he even lied about having sex with her....telling me that they did everything else BUT! And then going on to marry this morrocan woman. You know what my problem is?? I believed him.
SubhanALLAH......my love for him has been so great that I do the impossible just to please him. Every morning our routine is as follows, He wakes up and goes to the shower, I get his underwear and undershirt and hang them behind the door....while he showers..I make him breakfast, wash his glasses and put them beside his brush, place the prayer mat on the floor and all the while keeping my ears open if he's used the sink before his shower or not. If he hasn't.....I knock on the door and ask him if he'd like me to give him his toothbrush in the shower....to which he always replies affirmative, cuz I know he forgot. I pick his clothes and lay them on the bed....by the time he comes outta the shower, I should have finished polishing his shoes....while he dresses...I go make his coffee and place the breakfast on the table.....I place a bottle of water beside his breakfast cuz he takes medicine...which I've also taken out....I remind him of some phone calls he should make.....small chit chat....and then he leaves. I do that every morning.....u know why? Because Allah rewards me for taking care of him like that. I heard a tape of Mohamed Hussein Yaqoub.....it's called "to the married couple ONLY"....and it's amazing. It's in arabic and alhamdulillah....I understand this sheikh.....and he talked specifically about these points.....making the husband feel comfortable and loved in his home. I've been doing this for 2 yrs.
Now don't think I do all that for him and don't take care of myself....I do. I also polish my shoes...put on my scarf just right...pick my clothes all matching....purse, shoes.......I give myself that same attention. One of the things I've stopped doing for him since we came to egypt is ironing. I send his clothes out to be pressed. Something less to fight about. His clothes are always clean and ready. My hubbies big problem with me is cleaning and organizing. I admit....I'm not the cleanest person....I like to wash my dishes from dinner in the morning...hubby prefers I do it at night......I was laundry when I have full loads....hubby wants the minute the item is in the basket that I throw it in the washer immediately.....I have a maid who comes every 2 weeks, who has solved the cleaning problem.....so now it's organizing.....which I'm really good at.....but when you got 4 kids....there's always something not where it belongs. I think on the whole, I have things well organized....sickeningly so when it comes to hubbies stuff.....everything just the way he likes it.
I'm pleased with that......
So back to the argument/talk.....well.....it didn't really go well......Hubby tried the..."o you are so great"...approach.....which he switched to mocking me........which he switched to mocking himself. None of them were very effective.......
It came down to the final with him that whatever he does isn't my business anymore. I have no rights to question him about anything and that he is the superior. He hasnt done anything haraam, he hasn't lied, he hasn't deceived, he hasn't manipulated me.......if that's the way I chose to see it, then so it is. He was PROTECTING me. The only thing I have the right to ask him about is my rights.
So I came right out and said....then stay with me for 4 mos. Why are you only coming for 5 weeks when you know you owe me 4 months....what about ur children??? He says he knows better what HIS kids need than I do.
Well...this is a HUGE post...much larger than I was planning......I just want to say......that before all this happened, before I ever left my husband in Canada....he was a great man. He's always been good to me.....and even now, with my outbursts, I know he's being patient. He's trying little control things on us....which really bore me.
So again, I will say, like I've said earlier......that I am planning to wait until he leaves to make some decisions......I pray I make the best ones.
posted by Safa at 11:57 AM
5 Comments:
Precious, precious Safa,
I come to your blog several times a day to see how you are doing. I feel that your life is sharing a strange rhythm with my own and so in some ways I guess I am looking for my own answers. It's almost as if you will lead the way for both of us :) LOL!
But then, seriously I know that we are each in unique situations that deserve unique responses. Still, there are many things we can learn from each other. I shared some thoughts with our sister Honorary Arab and I would like to chare them with you, too:
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Sister it pains me to read about what you are going through because I am in a situation with striking similarities. One thing I have learned though is that if polygyny is going to work (and I am still not sure it can) all partners in the marriage must be committed to the Islamic prescription for absolute fairness (if there is such a thing). We women can play a lot of emotional games and the husband HAS to be able to recognize those manipulations and rise above them. I don't think there are many men who can do that, in part because their egos are engaged when women fight over them.
It doesn't appear that your husband has the maturity for establishing a fair and loving polygynous marriage. It also doesn't appear that his choice for another wife can be a partner in an Islamically fair polygynous marriage. Please understand that this is true of the overwhelming majority of women (perhaps even myself, but I don't know yet). But all I know is that without all 3 of you being viable in this regard, it will not work. Even if you are able to recognize and follow what has been deemed Islamically just in this situation, unless your partners do, you will always be the one to sacrifice and rewards in jannah may not be enough to sustain you.
That said, please Sister take care of yourself and the best interests of your children first. Don't put your financial security, home and a peaceful family life at risk just to hang onto a man who doesn't have the wisdom to recognize that polygyny is not a right without responsibilities that would weigh down and bury 99% of Muslim men.
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Your plan to take some time is a good one. If you ever want to talk you can email me and we can exchange numbers.
I am sending my love and making du'a for you.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
2:04 PM
i am stunned safa after reading this post. may allah make these hard times easier for you, and reward YOU for all your patience! subhan allah...
2:24 AM
Like I said before...I am waiting....observing.....the control games are reaching a new high....and he's doing lots of little things to get me upset.....it's a lesson in patience all the time. I've taken to leaving the room quietly when I feel the anger start to boil....he's purposely saying things with double meanings in front of the kids...subhanALLAH.....I wonder what happened to him...me...us??
One thing I wanted to say about the morning routine...I said I've been doing that for two years....and u know I've been married for 15....we had a routine before....but it was never so thorough and planned.....really it was the tape I heard that made me do a few of those extra things.....I just don't want you guys thinking that I was careless for 13 of the 15 yrs...LOLOLOL!!!
4:19 AM
peaceful muslima says: "Don't put your financial security, home and a peaceful family life at risk just to hang onto a man who doesn't have the wisdom to recognize that polygyny is not a right without responsibilities that would weigh down and bury 99% of Muslim men."
I agree with her...she is spot on. I just read your post entries about this whole situation. Why are you hanging on to this and allowing yourself and your children to be denigrated by a man who is making a mockery of the Quran in terms of marriage, divorce, and polygyny?
I want to restrain myself and say I don't know you, it's not my life, not my place to say, this is a blog for pete's sake, and you're situation is not an easy one to get out of...but sister, you seriously need to contemplate an exit plan.
You are beautiful, smart, you write well, you are funny, you are a dedicated Muslimah, you are a caring mother, and you are an all around special and deserving woman. Your husband doesn't deserve you in any way shape or form.
My prayers are with you and your children.
5:30 AM
Just wanted to add here that mashallah what you do for him is great. It would have been marvelous if he reciprocated through his love and concern. Taking care of one’s husband and making him comfortable is one thing and slaving is another when you don’t receive your husband’s love in return like you want. What the sheikh said in the tape must be good but please remember that none of Muhammad’s wives did all this for him so you can’t justify it with religion. He mended his own clothes and shoes, cleaned his own plates, and washed his own clothes. If all what you are doing was really required from a wife it would have been part of our Prophet’s actions and life. How you are handling your emotions is enough of a test of sabr and love fro your husband.
9:01 PM
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