You misread the sign......it says that Hardee's is in heaven
WOW, peoples!!! What happened to my BLOG??? It's been over run here. Well, before I get into an answer about my 58 comments.......let me update you on what's going on in my life.........
So hubby arrived....it's been pretty "cool" on my side......I've been doing all the right things.......not talking much.....at a loss for words actually. His 2nd day here he asked me if I'd like to go out for awhile....just him and I...so we could talk. To which I told him, I'm not ready to talk just yet. (I'm playing the observant one first)....then afterwards I thought about it, and asked him, "is there something YOU want to talk to me about, or were you planning for me to talk?".....So he answers....."I wanted to give you a chance to express urself". HA! So needless to say, I didn't take him up on his offer.....I have nothing new to say and don't expect I SHOULD have anything to say. He asked me to tell him when I was ready. So the other day.....he wanted to take us all to our pyramids store.....everyone...all the kids and I said NO WAY. He wasn't too pleased, and went on his own. Then last night....he wanted to go to see his brothers.....he asked us all to go.....everyone...all the kids and I said NO WAY.......now he was getting pissed. LOLOLOL!! I was having a good laugh into my pillow....(crying is so over rated).......and things are just going cool, cool, cool. He hasn't been extra nice to me......he hasn't been loving and touching like usual.......he's been pretty cold too. Truth is.....I'm not hurt.....I've managed to detach. My happiness is not dependant on him. And if I piss him off....who cares????? As long as he gets his rights from me.......then I'm home free. OK......NOW FOR THE SERIOUS STUFF!!!
WOW WOW WOW!!! All of you who know me, know that I love differences of opinions....I am not offended by what has been written in my comment box and neither will I delete anything. My best friends in the entire world think totally different than I do, and I respect that.......I "strain" thru their opinions....take the brilliant gems....and leave the dull ones.........in the end....whatever I chose to do, is MY choice, it will affect MY life and MY kids. I take full responsibility for whatever choice I make, or even....choose NOT to make.
Asma bint Marwan: "She has chosen out of easyness and stupidity to sit in Egypt now for several years."
You are right on the easyness.......my husband gives me plenty of money and I am living the high life here in Egypt....something I could never do in Canada. I have a maid, a gardener, drive a mercedes, a country club member, go to the gym, play squash, etc, etc......all the material things I could want for. It's very easy to be sidetracked by money. After years of saving, and scrimping and saying I can't afford things.......I loved being in Egypt for the freedom that I experienced. But I don't accept your view of stupidity.
Muslimlatina: "Uh, excuse me, but Safa never said anything about staying with him because of the MONEY. Hello! she can probably work if she wants to. She wants to stay with him because it is HER PEROGATIVE."
A little of both I think........money definately has something to do with it......I could work if I wanted to, and make good money....but my husband prolly gives me more money just staying home than if I would find a great job.......either way....it is my perogative to stay with him.
Anonymous:"After reading your story Safa, I really shouldn't stay with him. If you two want to buy something major, like a house, do you two talk about it and agree about it? So why didn't he let you in in his desicion?"
I like this comment.....and will bring it up some time....
Umm Soud:"Islam is NOT ABOUT TEARS AND WEEP AND SORROW, but some sisters think like this. They mantra the "sabr" and cry their pillow at night for decades (look at just the group...)
The only thing what I can tell u, time is running. U r still young and have a chance to get a life what u want."
I have the very same opinion........it's like I have my foot in the door.....but am scared to just push it open.....
sheplato:"If Safa really wants people to give her advice and help with words then that’s what we are doing right now.........One point we are all missing is that Safa truly loves her husband, like she said he is the only man she’s known.......When we love someone with all our heart (for Allah or for ourselves) then we start to believe that they love us back with the same intensity. Somewhere that love changes but we remain blind to it."
I want the advice....I like the variety.....and I can handle it without crying into my pillow.....I am so past that. Ur right about me loving my husband.....and ur also right about me being blind.....I was living my own little dream........but like I said a little earlier.....I've detached myself....and am looking at things with my eyes WIDE OPEN....who knows where things will go?
anonymous:"Wouldn't it be a good idea if the group commenting on here could arrange a talk with this "man" Just a friendly chat....hehehhe..I'm picturing tea and cookies "
and don't forget the rainbows, I already have rose coloured glasses............we could be the official first order of Polygyners Anonymous.
Asma bint Marwan:"say he is sitting there because she has not grown out of her princess fairy dream from she was 18 years beeing a happy home-maker. Clearly this dream has been shattered. Safa is also probably in Egypt becos she finds it makes her "exotic"."
You hit that one right on the head about the princess fairy dream.........but about being exotic?? LOLOLOL....sorry, that's not me.....no one ever realizes I'm a foreigner....I've mastered the egyptian language and fit right in....ho hum!!
Umm_abdurrahman:"Holy Crap there is McDonalds in Heaven? WHy didn't anyone tell me...is it Halal?"
From what I read....its a Hardee's.......
Umm Soud:"Don'T let him to threat u as a doormat. Stand up for urself, cz after he is gone again, u will fall into the same terrible situtation. Inshallah while im writing this, u r on the way solving your life, before its too late"........Also, sister Umm Abdurrahman, dont forget, that perhaps your co-wife is in an Arabic country and if she asks for divorce, there is a high possibility, that she looses her childen. Many women put up with polygyny because of this.
I agree with that.........let me just snap my fingers and solve my life......I never took it in Math 101, but who knows???? BTW, in Egypt.....the woman keeps the kids until they are 15.....and after that they can choose.
Now I'm sorry everyone got on UmmAbdurahmans back here......she's a wonderful woman and knows exactly what she's doing....and I ain't trying to sugar coat anything......but if anyone wants to hate 2nd wives for as many as 100 reasons, ur free to do it.......but no matter what my situation is.....I'd rather be a halal wife than just some mistress slut who's shacked up somewhere unknown to anyone. I've seen enough of Jerry Springer to know that being a HO and a slut isn't so rare anymore.........it's a joke. No one said polygyny is heaven....and no one said that we are angels.........all our roads end at either one of two destinations.........
So know that I love you all, even you hasty people who spent lots of time typing out ur comments.......I'll still keep u posted......
posted by Safa at 8:51 AM
19 Comments:
salam alaikoum
wow macha Allah. Honestly, if I was in a similar situation somebody would be dead (husband) or in jail (me). That said, I reiterate what I said in the comments war up in there...people are too quick to go for the simplistic "oh he has more than one wife, then dump his a**" argument when I think all marriages are more complicated than that, no matter how many wives and or kids are involved. There are plenty of one wife, one husband marriages where people would stay out easiness or habit (I am NOT saying you are, but rather in response to the comments) but somehow people think this is less justified argument in situations with more than one wife. The reality is that there are a lot of times in life where you need to "ride the train" for a while, and get off the train when the situation is no longer workable.
I also know of a situation where the kids (at the time in their teens) basically took their mom's side. I think if I was in a situation where my kids had my back, it would be enough validation for me, and give me the strength to handle it.
I also think multi wife situations are "unfair" for wives in both situations...in some way the wives' problems are similar and in some ways different. But like I said...I am so tired of the "all men with more than one wife are buttmunches, dump their sorry behinds or else you are some sort of pitiful chick" argument.
Anyway macha Allah...
10:45 AM
there we go.......level headed thinking at its best....... Beware of the COMMENT ZONE!!!!! Honestly.....I had a good laugh reading all those comments.....not one of them made my mouth drop open......nor ruffled my feathers. The only thing that got to me when they started picking on my friends.........
11:20 AM
U wrote:
"he's been pretty cold too. Truth is.....I'm not hurt.....I've managed to detach. My happiness is not dependant on him. And if I piss him off....who cares????? "
Well then, just ask yourself, is this the life u will have in the next 60 years? (inshallah u will live that long:)-cz this is not the marriage what i call LIFE.
Don'T be scared to walk out. I'd be more worried if u were an Eastern woman, but u r a western and I give a watever on those muslimaat who always curse the WEst: it taught us how to be strong and independent. And that will be handy for u!
" I've seen enough of Jerry Springer to know that being a HO and a slut isn't so rare anymore."
Jerry Springer is not a scale. Or only for very low-minded people. There are many normal people in the States:)
The problem, until u won'T respect urself (and u definitely don't, because then u would just get outta this), nobody will respect u. Even ur kids..after a time when they grow old, if they have a stubborn caracter (and why not, usually at least one kid in the nest has such, hehe), u will have hard time. Maybe one day they will ask the same questions.
Or maybe just the mirror i the morning.
"let me just snap my fingers and solve my life"
Well, u'd better, sister, at least fast, because u won't get any younger and starting a new life in your forties will be harder than the thirties.
OR...put up with it, "detach" urself-i find it pretty sad, but hey, who said, life is all about love and all that...but then try to be happy in any way, get a job, get something to do, anything, cz trust me, he will have the time of his life in Canada, so try to have urs in egypt. Im sorry about ur dreams:( There are so many gentle, caring brother out there, and with ur lovely face and nice caracter, I would love to see u happy:(
1:18 PM
Again, Umm Soud......I find your opinion worth listening to. You don't sugar coat your words, u just tell it like it is.......and I realize that you've narrowed down my choices to either # 1 or # 2. That's exactly how I see it. There are certain circumstances that will cause me to just walk out.......things that I haven't spoken about......and terms that I've made with my husband. Before this summer is over, I'll know where I'm going.........thanks for the compliments......
Amani: I've got this great sense of humour....it's amazing.......I could be crying my eyes out.....and a few words can make me laugh. My niece does it to me all the time.
2:06 PM
What a rollercoaster of emotions. Allah is Able and Just sis Safa. As Muslimas its important that when we know better, we do better if you get my drift. Allah has made Islam sensible and the truth clear. If you give up something not good for your being for the sake of Allah, Allah will replace it with better.
And another thing, cncz, I think there is less of a justification for women to stay in a bad marriage when the husband has several wives. Obviously, in a monogamous marriage a sister is just dealing with her own issues and sabr is usually better and easier. But if you throw in two or three other wives that's more problems, heartaches and headaches for everbody involved. How can you keep any khusoo' or taqwa or even handle your kids when your "living" like that? It's a lot easier to worship Allah and live in peace alone than to be stuck depressed in a hell of a situation with a group people who keep you down.
2:52 PM
Musulmana, do you seriously mean to say that a woman has an identity only if she is married to someone? Is it not possible to live life independently and be a great mother as wll as a wage earner, instead of being staying in a dead and decayed marriage where you are disrespected. Even if it is difficult to find someone to remarry, should you stay unhappy because you are afraid no one else will marry you? That is just medevial!
Sadiyah
7:32 PM
Also keep in mind that Muslim men don't easily marry divorced women with children who are in their late 30s.
Allah is Able and Just and answers the dua of His servants. Sis Safa and every other Muslima, myself included, has to have certainty in that. You're right it's sis Safa choice to make and the decision will have heavy reprecussions whether she stays or go. That's the qadr of Allah.
I am not against polygyny. It is from Allah and His messenger (saws)and I believe and accept what they have revealed. Islam is a sensible way of life though. Sisters have to stand on the truth and demand it just like brothers do. They want their rights and we need to want ours too. Either a husband can be fair and just in the ways that Allah stipulated or he can't. If he won't, what good is he to you in this life or the next? Marriage in Islam is suppose to be about pleasing Allah foremost and that all begins with the husband. If the husband can't be a real protection, comfort and garment to the wife because she has had to detach from him because of repeated uncouth treatment, that's not going to be a plesant marriage for anyone. Infact, I've seen it time and time again where polygyny has brought out the worse in sisters who are otherwise good, Allah fearing Muslims and it's all because the husband isn't handling his business right and as a result everyone lives are corrupted.
And what about the children? Is this really the type of marriage we want our daughters to grow up seeing and feeling like the Muslim man is only a source of pain and drama? With all that we as Muslimas have to deal with in this dunya, we are entitled by Allah to have some happiness in our lives. Marriage should be a source of happiness. Why should anyone of is settle for a sucky, loveless marriage?? Oh yea, the age and kids thing??
Our risziq comes from Allah. He can provide for whomever He wills whatever they need. Belive that!
11:28 PM
musulmana: so basically u say, a bad marriage is better, than being single...hmm..I think, u girls are afraid. seriously. I have some kafera friends, who are also semi-dead just to imagine being alone, and they endure everything, just cz they still have "somebody"-I have no idea, why...Mazochism, clearly. And lack of self-confidence.
And the pic, musulmanalatina, shows a bad side of the BROTHERS in this ummah who (no matter how old they are) only run after 20 yrs old chicks with their hymen on (hehe, sorry, but cudnt miss that point:)
Who wants such man anyway:S
Being alone for a time is not that bad, especially if u get a good muakkhar;)
12:54 AM
I do not think that muslimlatina was saying a bad marriage is better than being single she was trying to get you guys to see a different perspective. Everything is from Allah. I agree that MOST men when dealing with multiple wives do not go about it correctly. We as women can choose to be patient or leave but ultimatly the choice is ours, afraid or not. Allah is the best of planners and each person will get that which is written for him. So instead of arguing and fighting just accept that no matter what anyone says it is up to that person, in that situation, to turn to Allah and ask for guidance. You can voice your opinion but still be open to hear other sides. This is just my advice.
6:21 AM
being alone for a time isn't that bad.....I'm alone a lot....with hubby going to two countries. I can't be bullied into leaving this marriage, neither can I be pressured to stay in it. I choose to discuss it with you all to open up my mind and see things from different views. I think for the best of all....I'm turning off the anonymous quotes......anyone who wants to say something on my BLOG, has to be able to stand beside their words, not hide behind the invisibility of anon. I think everyone will agree.......
9:24 AM
I wanted to bully you and take your lunch money....Thanks for ruining all of my fun....
10:45 AM
wow... gone for a few days and look at all the trouble that has been brewing....
11:25 AM
salam alaikoum
Anon said, "And another thing, cncz, I think there is less of a justification for women to stay in a bad marriage when the husband has several wives. Obviously, in a monogamous marriage a sister is just dealing with her own issues and sabr is usually better and easier....
I don't think so. I think a woman with one bad husband dealing with her own issues- which could involve crazy in-laws for example- could potentially harder than a co-wife, and that if only because at least the man is out of the house part of the time. Furthermore, everyone has their burdens to bear. Some woman could have one wonderful husband and one jacked up brother in law or father in law making her life hell. What is she going to do, divorce because of the BIL? Of course not. The difference between crazy in laws and second wives is that wives aren't expected to hang out like family, whereas if your brother in law or father in law making you miserable is in your house, you have to play along and kiss their a** for the sake of the family.
We're talking about a vast panorama of the human experience, here. My main objection is everyone's blanket assumtion that EVERY CO-WIFE has it bad.
It's a lot easier to worship Allah and live in peace alone than to be stuck depressed in a hell of a situation with a group people who keep you down"
I can think of many situations with exactly the same circumstances...their husbands only have one wife, and the wife would rather be alone than stuck with a depressing dude in a depressing situation. So everytime a woman is unhappy, is the answer just divorce? No matter how many wives are involved?
I often wonder what this discussion would have been like in a parallel universe with exactly the same situation (extended absences etc) minus the other wives. Would people be talking about what a buttmuch he is? Or would people be talking about sabr and stuff? would people be beating down Safa for staying? I don't think so.
11:46 AM
The last time Ummabdurrahman tried to bully me and take my lunch money she got a bloody nose........you wanted to try it again?? Come on.....come have a piece of me.......
3:19 AM
I ain't afraid of YOU...But if you want to bring it you gotta bring it here cuz the last time I came there you stood me up...
8:19 PM
Alzheimer's moment, dahling. It was in France that I stood you up.....u weren't willing to come all the way to Egypt. (I still feel bad for that....I hope you at least tried their Frappe while you were there....)
1:53 AM
Yeah I ran out of money paying for the cab who got me lost. No Frappe for me :(
4:56 AM
Wow sure has been a lot going on - teach me to be on holidays. I was interested in cncz's comment "The difference between crazy in laws and second wives is that wives aren't expected to hang out like family, " - I am a co-wife and my husband expects, wants, dreams of having his wives hang out together as one big happy family. I agree with a lot of what has been said - this decision is Safa's and we need to be here to support her no matter what her decision is. I have not walked a mile in her mocassins - so am very wary of offering much in the way of advice - just want to let you know Safa that no matter your decision I am in your corner and will be there to help you in any way I can.
8:33 AM
wow! there is a lot going on here (i am used to my blog with a maximum of 2 comments per entry LOL)!!
anyhow i have learned alot from reading these comments. i, insha ALLAH, want to be married (soon ya ALLAH!)and i have to think long and hard about the possibility of co-wifery (i think i just made that up). i have similar views to cncz i.e. the death/jail combo but of course ALLAH knows best.
while for me the perks of marriage out weigh the negative aspects i think i will enjoy being single as long as ALLAH wills.
anyhow, best of luck with your situation safa.
2:55 PM
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