you can have the crumbs...........
I've been sad since my niece left......and it's set me off on other issues...thinking...thinking....thinking.
One issue that I have with hubby is that when he told me that he'll be leaving Egypt on July 18th....it hurt me cuz our anniversary is on the 20th. Wouldn't he think about that? So I brought it up....and then yesterday when he calls me...he told me he tried to change the tickets....but it's impossible.....as if it matters now anyways......he didn't even think about it. So now I'll be spending our anniversary alone....and he'll be spending it with wife # 2. It makes me so sad.
So when he called yesterday.....I started crying.....and he's telling me to not let anyone bother me......and then he changes his tune and starts saying.....you can't pressure me more than this!! Nothing in my life bothers me like you do....I hurt so bad when you hurt....(oh yeah!).....then he says...do whatever you think will make you happy.....so I told him....that's your job, not mine. And then I says...I just don't want to be alone anymore....I don't want this responsibility of raising the girls on my own....I feel sick and I can't do it anymore. So he tells me.....so where does that leave me? YOU ARE NOT COMING TO CANADA! YOU HEAR ME?? YOU AREN"T COMING HERE.....is that what you want? So I says....either that or you come back home.....and he says I can't.....and YOU AREN"T COMING HERE....so I says....we'll see. Which of course, he repeats....and then hung up. Called me back 5 mins later and asked me EXACTLY what I meant by saying we'll see? So I says....everything is in Allah's hands.......and who knows what will happen....and he's like...that's all? Thats' what you meant? And I'm like...yeah....so he says...okay...salaam. Then he calls back again...and tells me that he's not going to destroy his life because of me....that he isn't going to bring us all back to Canada after all he's done to keep us in Egypt.......I didn't want to talk anymore...so I asked him....are you calling to make me feel better or to upset me more? We finished up......and my head is spinning.
The truth is....I don't want to live alone anymore. I can't.....I'm sick.....I'm hurt. I want my husband......and instead of coming to be with me for 4 mos....he's staying only 5 weeks. I need more than that......and he's like...I can't give it to you. So what does that mean? Screw me? You ain't getting what you need baby, so suffer??? Where do I stand?????
posted by Safa at 12:27 AM
21 Comments:
safa, my heart is breaking into pieces for you... i don't even know what to say.. especially after the nice comment you put on my last entry.. i feel like i like i can't write anything as lovely..
i will make du'a for you sister! subhan allah.. the tests we are given in this life...
12:50 AM
Thanks jilbabble........just having someone around to read me is enough.......at the least, I'm not hurting alone......
1:04 AM
safa, a huge bear-hug from across the waves. what would he do if he read your blog? i just want him to see how much he's screwing you around. i know some men aren't plugged into the emotional network, but surely he can see with his logical-man-brain (!) that things are awry in his relationships. what do your kids make of it all? x
4:01 AM
Salaams! I am reading too. And if it makes you feel better, I will totally think the hubster is total smarm, just for you. (sometimes, I need my friends to think my husband is a total smarm as well... just for my own well being)
Hug to you.
5:15 AM
Hubby isn't computer savvy...so no chance of him reading the BLOG..... My kids are hurting....the oldest who is 14 doesn't want to really have much to do with him....she looks at his remarrying and "forgetting" to tell us as the ultimate betrayal. She knows how hard we've worked and sacrificed to live alone.....the 11 yr old is hurt...she loves her Dad dearly and can't believe that he would embark on a new life without including us...the 8 yr old doesn't want us to have a bigger family. She's scared that he'll have other children and won't need us anymore. Of course my 3 yr old....well.....LOLOL!! The kids think that there father is going away from us......I'm not being the best mother about it all, cuz I'm hurt too..........I know this coming visit is going to be major. Decisions are going to be made....and prolly not what my hubby is expecting. If he plans on me just sitting tight and waiting around while he's still going back and forth....he's got another THINK coming.....
5:27 AM
Salaamat,
you are a strong woman Mashaallah. Use this time before he comes to really outline what you want, expect from him, and how to make it "work"; if that's what you want.
I am glad you are going to talk to him, and force him to come to terms with some decisions. He can't have the best of both worlds, and I pray that you find your balance in all this.
Stay strong, pray and Inshaallah things will work out.
You are in my prayers. (((hugggggggzzzzzzzzzzz)))
5:42 AM
Asalaamu alaikum,
I just popped by for a visit and you made me cry. I do not know what to say in response...I am speechless at his disregard for you, your feelings, and the children. Why is it that big of a deal that you do not come to Canada? Would he let you go there for a visit? I just wish someone would call these husbands on the phone and tell them what they are doing. Growing up I never believed that this is how my life would turn out. Subhan'Allah. I had all of these Princess fantasies about happily ever after. Does that ever happen or is it just a stupid kids dream? I guess in the beginning it starts out like that but why can't it be like that forever??????
Safa I wish I had a simple answer for you but I do not. Insha'Allah things WILL get BETTER. Life will be BETTER and there will be no more tears.
I love you....
10:36 AM
As-salaamu Alaykum
Safa you can get through this and help your children overcome this hardship as well, insha-Allah. You have what alot of people don't have and that's Islam. Keep on striving and insha-Allah everything will be okay. " Verily, along with every hardship is relief. Verily, along with every hardship is relief." Ash-Sharh:5&6
12:16 PM
You said in your blog that your husband said
"do whatever you think will make you happy.....so I told him....that's your job, not mine."
It is not your husband's job to make you happy..this is the crux of your problems, I think. You must make yourself happy..relying on someone else is futile..as you can plainly see.. you have to love yourself and depend on yourself..this way of thinking .. that a "husband" will make a woman's life complete..well, it is not a valid idea for 2006...sorry to say this..I guess it would be easy if we could leave our happiness as the responsibility of someone else but it doesn't work that way..I am puzzled by what reason a woman could have for wishing to stay with a man who has cheated on her..you are stronger than you think..you can do it..it's just a matter of making up your mind..you're young, strong..he has at least financial responsibility to you and the children..that will help until you find a life for yourself. Best of luck again.
5:14 PM
Anonymous----He didn't cheat he just lied....
5:38 PM
You know, Musulmana.....you have a point about him trying to goad me into something.....cuz he's done it a few times. It's as if he knows I won't take the bait....so he dangles it in front of me to make me behave. A family emergency?? Hmmmmmm......that's not a bad idea..........I wonder if that could work? I've got to think about it......I think the big deal about me not coming to Canada is because he's hiding some dirty stuff there. Once before, he said that I'm gonna make him spend $10,000 to prove that he hasn't been doing anything. But at the same time...he's yelling at me...YOU AREN"T COMING TO CANADA!! I'm going to be very careful about the D word.....not going to dangle it.....or even play with it on my tongue......I am planning to let this be a cordial visit.......and not get into things right away.......I just pray I have the strength to make it past this time.......
2:32 AM
To the commenter who said "he did not cheat, he lied", for me, lying by a spouse is cheating of the first order.
What keeps you in Egypt anyway? From your posts you are quite alone and have no emotional attachments there. If you were to go back to Canada, you possibly could see what you can do to make yourself happy. You will have choices in Canada. Your marriage is merely limping along (from your posts). So why subject yourself to disrespect by being lied to and so cheated on? Do your daughters not deserve to see that life can be lived in contentment if not happiness by honest conduct? Do they not deserve to be in an environment where thier mother did something to take charge of her own happiness? Do you not want to be a positive and strong and happy role model to your daughters? The children deserve all this and so much more. They have many battles to fight in their own lives and they need to see that if their mother can make strong choices for her own well being, they can too. They need to see that women are strong and can fend for themselves with self dignity.
I think you need to be with your family and friends in a place that you have choices and will not be reduced to an afterthought by a man who lied to you. He does not want you to come to Canada because there you will be what he already thinks you are.. just an inconvenience to him and his new family.
I hope you make the right decision for the sake of your children and yourself.
Niloufer Saba
5:57 PM
I agree with Musulmana...I think she has a good idea...
6:25 PM
Yes I too was puzzled by the difference between "lying" and "cheating" This is a man who enjoyed sexual relations with at least two other women besides his wife and kept his wife in the dark about it. He married one and never told his wife and then, if I understand the story correctly told about the second woman he was involved with and then said he would break it off but then married her. It is simple to understand why he does not want his wife in Canada. Sounds like he lives a "fun" life in canada indeed..as a single man. But a single man who has the security of a woman back in Egypt when he feels lonely. Anyway that is beside the point and in the past. Safa you need to look after yourself and your children. To be lonely is terrible indeed but you don't need a person who devalues you this much. Life will get better and your self-esteem and self-respect can only grow by ridding yourself of this abuse. Someday if your heart desires it, you may meet a man who will love and respect you. But that doesn't need to happen for you to have a happy, independent life as a single woman and mom. We are stronger than we think:) Your life can only get better..there's no way other than up from this point. You know you can do it..there will be difficult times but when we refuse to be treated disrepectfully by men or any person..ahh it can truly be beautiful
9:18 PM
You know, I started this BLOG for the very reasons being posted to me in this comment box. I like it when people come here and comment and look at things from other angles. It helps me to "see". I don't have to actually agree....and cannot be coerced into something that I don't want.....but I can OPEN my eyes. Now I love the differences of opinions....all of my good friends think differently than me....that's why I love them. What good is a friend who only says things to make you feel better but doesn't criticize you? Maybe that's just me.....So I thank you all for your posts.....and would like anonymous to get a BLOG......you know I love you guys.....and remember....we can all AGREE that we DISAGREE. Opinions are our own.......we don't have to try to conform on this one.....
3:24 AM
Salamu alaykum,
May Allah make it easy for you. You are going through some major trials and al hamdulilaah you are okay - It is hard as we can see but you are doing everything it seems to alleviate the stress from unloading in writing, medication, and turning to Allah. Don't despair of Allah's Mercy as Allah does answer the dua of a believer if they are patient.
7:48 PM
Assalamu Alaikum Sister,
The reason he does not want you in Canada seems simple to me. i am sure he has not told this other wife about you. and if he has. i am sure it is that you are his ex wife (not having relations with him) and so on and the only reason he is comming to visit is for the kids. and the reson i know this is because i have seen it happen. this is usually what they tell #2, that she is not not #2, that # 1 is no longer in the wifely ways with them. or even still his wife.
8:46 AM
Wanted to add something else. you said you both from Canada. so chances are if he married her by govement law that he filed some sort of divorce regarding his marrige to you.(since i am sure you filed in canada some sort of marrige) and that could be why he will not allow you back to canada.
9:44 AM
I didn't think about the fact that maybe hubby has divorced me there.....I wonder?? We got married a 2nd time in Egypt.....when we had to do some paperwork. But there is this slim chance, u know? This other wife does know about me....I've spoken to her on the phone a couple of times.........I have to make it back to canada to check things out......
11:49 PM
I think too that he is hiding some things in Canada....
11:30 AM
Assalamu'alaikum,
It's been a while since I last read your post. I was hoping to see some change after being away for so long (my computer has been down for over a month and I just gave birth to another baby girl). Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you can check online to see if you're still his legal wife. I don't know about Canada but here in Texas, I can go to the County Clerk's Office website and type in my name and it will pull up information about my marriage license i.e whom I'm married to..etc.. Anyway, gotta go....I will be posting again when I get back into some kind of a routine with the addition of the new baby and all. Love ya, take care.
Seeker of the truth
11:06 AM
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