I dropped the bomb. I told him what the shaykh had said. You guys were right.....I definately did not get the reaction I was expecting. He got this little smile on his face and told me....don't worry, ur gonna get ur rights. So when I pushed as to "how" he was planning to manage that....he explained that when he comes back....he'll make it up. Nah ah. I told him that I don't step down on my rights....and that he owes me 4 consecutive months....(well, three now).....and that I'm sick and tired.....and if he leaves Egypt before his time is up with me....he's turning his back on Allah's rules. He grudgingly took the number of the Shaykh....I think he'll prolly call him. But it doesn't matter....he told me that he's leaving on the 18th, no matter what. Hmmmmmmmmm. Again, like I said....I'm just biding my time.
Then to top it all off....I have this rule, where I've asked him please not to talk to her while he's in the house........so far, he's managed to break it twice.....saying that she had an emergency.....LOLOLOL....I mean, how could he know until he answered??? Well....he was talking to her in the livingroom again today. So I asked him if there was another emergency. He got pissed and left to go pray Maghrib.......barely looked at me. I've only asked him to not talk to her at home cuz it just upsets me. When I walked in on him talking to her....he was in the middle of saying..."ya habibtee...." and then sorta cut himself short. It makes me sick.
So if I can't trust him to follow any rules I've made.........even the simplest ones......how can I trust him on the big things??? Anyways.....enough complaining.......
posted by Safa at 11:01 AM
5 Comments:
Habibti I feel so bad for you. I so want to kick his butt. He does not know what he has. You are a wonderful, smart, beautiful woman you DO NOT desreve this.
4:12 PM
Dear Safa,
My stomach actually turned when I read this. When I thought of that little smile and response that you will get your rights -- let's just say I have been in that exact same place and it leaves you hollow. What's the point when they act as if they are just doing a duty -- something that they would rather not do but maybe, if your lucky enough they'll throw you that bone.
The one thing I wanted to feel was a positive sign was that he was going to pray -- but then MY husband NEVER misses praying in the mosque on time. After all, the things that are outwardly visible in the community as signs of his piety are important to him....
I do know that time helps one to come to terms a little better with polygyny. I have been in this situation for 14 months now and I don't feel like I am on the emotional roller coaster that I was a year ago. However, that's largely because I have just gone on and built my life so that it doesn't revolve around my very part-time husband. BTW, I am the second wife -- he had been separated for years before meeting me and they had agreed their marriage was over so he intended to make his home with me. Apparently, though, she changed her mind a month into my marriage and asked him to move back into her home. I have only had 3-4 days a month since they reunited last August.
Anyway, enough about me... just was trying to give you the encouragement that time will help you to stabilize emotionally and you will get used to being on your own -- even though you may technically be married. Unless your husband is willing to have both wives live in the same location and really divide his time equally, I don't think you can expect that you will ever get the just division of his time. I can't imagine that he actually has a job that would allow him to work 6 months out of the year in Canada and 6 in Egypt. And I suspect the reason he doesn't want you in Canada is because SHE won't be able to handle it. My husband told me not long ago that the wife who lives where the husband works is like the squeeky wheel that will get all the grease.
You have every right to ask him not to be making those personal calls in your presence or where you might walk in. It seems to me that this would be something both wives would want and therefore agree to.
My prayers are with you dear sister,
PM
6:00 PM
PM - why are you leaving like that! So sad, wallahi. I understand that a part time husband is better than no husband at all, but shouldn't the little time you do spend together be good to you (for the most part)?
Subhan'Allah. I don't get this? Why should Muslimaat in polygynous marriage feel unfulfilled and depressed or learn to "detach" themselves or take up silly crafts to stay afloat? Marriage is not just half of Muslim men's deen, but it's half of our too. If the marriage is not fulfilling your desires as women, how are you being protected? Wallahi, I'm confused.
Safa - May Allaah love you and your children! Make dua always. Get up in the last third of the night and beg Allaah for His sakeena and His rahma. Ask Allaah to bring YOU happiness and bring YOU ease and make a way for your children and you.
8:21 AM
Sister Musleema,
I want to clarify that although I am unfulfilled in marriagee, I have not had to "take up silly crafts to stay afloat?" Al hamdulillah I have a PhD and am a university professor with a career that I love and that pays me generously. I raised my children and have 2 winderful grandchildren, maash'Allah. In fact, in one week I am flying my daughter to meet me in the Czech Republic for a spa week! I am Blessed indeed.
I have not been similarly blessed in this marriage but I take responsibility for making the decision. If my husband ever makes a real effort to be fair, starts supporting me (which he does not do AT ALL, although he supports the other in luxury) and divides his time equally then I will be happy to share him in polygyny. I actually don't have a problem with sharing with another wife as long as he is just. If he continues on the path he is on, then I will not remain married to him. Unlike you, I don't think a 10% husband is better than no husband -- at least not when their neglect takes its toll on your emotional health and self-esteem. Why not be free to find a man that wants to be a good Muslim husband instead?
Salaam Alaikum, Sister,
PM
12:30 PM
Lahi Barik, sister PM. I did not mean you in general. I was repeating some of the things I've read on this blog by others on how to deal with polygynous marriage gone wrong. Someone said to get a hobby. Alhamdolilah, I hope all goes better in your marriage. For you and us all.
11:03 PM
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