Stop the pain in my head.......

Last night was particularly uneventive for a change....no rodents, cockroaches or hitmen. So I'm still alive. I started getting this tickle in my brain yesterday....thinking again.......sheesh. Will I ever get past all this???? And when I start thinking, I start getting ANGRY.....and what makes it worse....is that I say things are wrong....and hubby says that his actions were perfectly halal.....how can we both be right?

Some of the questions are:

-when he was buying gold for the wife I never was supposed to know about....he told me that he was buying it for his friends wife...and his friend was gonna pay him back for it.....now I know that some form of lying from the husband to the wife is permissable....but what the hell is this??? Is he justified to tell me these stories cuz his intention was to never tell me about this woman...she was just a "temporary wife" he calls it "gowaz al Musaffer"....which on it's own is haraam now, isn't it?? He says its not.......and even if it wasn't haram.....is he allowed to keep a marriage a secret under ANY circumstances? And isn't the only reason that he's even able to keep this marriage a secret is because I live in another country? Isnt' that taking advantage of my absence??

see what I mean?? It goes on and on........

-isn't talking to the present wife on the phone haraam when he wasn't even married to her? She sent him love messages on the cell......he bought her presents behind my back telling me it was for "business"....once ran on the balcony and closed the door on himself....before he married her...and later told me that it was "business".......all that before he married her.....Waaaay before.......how on earth can I trust him???

-the fact that he married and divorced once and was planning to not tell me.....and when it was flashed in front of my face......back in September...when his brother in Canada pulled this stunt in order that I find out.....when I asked him......wth is going on.....are you married?? And he answered me no. He had already divorced her.....but it was his chance to tell me.....he SHOULD have told me then...knowing that his brother wanted it to be known.....but he kept quiet......how could he justify himself for keeping quiet? And then later when I finally find out that he IS married to the present woman...and that there HAD been another....(not until mid Dec did I find out about present woman) and not until end of January did I confirm about the temporary one. And then he ups and tells me....But I never slept with the temporary one.......PUH LEASE.......and finally in the end of Feb....I get him to admit that was a lie. WTH!! Why the lie?? Why? Does he tell himself....I don't want to hurt her more...so I'll lie to make things easier??? Is that allowable in our deen???

So I'm going nuts today......wondering just what will happen when I get to Canada...SHOULD I get there. My one friend is telling me...just let it go....what has happened has happened. But it isn't working like that in my head......I'm saying......how on earth can I trust this man? Who takes his deen so flippantly....although he says, I've never done anything haraam.....he even told me once that he married the temporary woman to protect himself....LOLOL....so I asked him....did Allah make marriage to protect the man? Or is it to protect the woman? So he says BOTH......ok, ok, ok........but he made MAN responsible for them....not just a tool for sex and then to afterwards be thrown away........

I think I better stop now.....I feel like crying........I don't like myself today.....or my situation.......or my dealing with things.......I feel so overburdened........maybe when I get to Canada, SHOULD I get there, I can try to go and talk to a shaikh........