Polygyny Sucks!!!!
Does it bother anyone that I've said that? Maybe I should clarify it to the masses?
I am talking about my specific experience with it.......I am talking about my husband being unfair about it.......I am talking about my introduction to it......I am talking to the betrayal concerning it.....
I am talking about the lies that surrounded it.......I am talking about the hurt it has caused me.......I am talking about the pain I've been suffering.....
My husband owes me 9 months of time now. I think I'm justified to say that MY OWN experience of polygyny sucks.
~~~~~~
I do believe that polygyny practiced by a good muslim brother with the means and ability, could probably turn it into something wonderful. 1 big happy family? It's possible.
~~~~~~
But for now?
It
Just
Sucks!!
posted by Safa at 2:56 PM
24 Comments:
Sister, I think you should forget the time he owes. Forget the time and forgive him for transgressing. Yes, I said forgive him and I mean for every thing, for transgressing the limits set by Allah and for transgressing your rights. Once you have really, truly and conciously forgiven him, pack it up and move on with your life separate from him.
After living apart for this long, what real interests do the two of still share? You will probably say the kids, but is that enough to give you fresh air to breathe and comforted and calm heart to worshisp Allah until your days are up? For some women it is.
Polygyny sucks for you and whole lot of women, non Muslim and Muslims. And the truth is for those of you who it sucks for, it can't get better to change it or leave it.
Remember, the wives of the prophet saas were guranteed paradise. Muslim women today don't have that promise.
Think you have enough strength and energy to chose one or you need more time to float?
For your trials, may Allah love you and give you better than what you desire for yourself.
4:01 PM
You aren't the first one to advise me to forgive him this time.....for my own good, for me to begin healing....
I'm just not ready....I've got too much raw anger inside of me......
12:30 AM
The sole idea of someone "owing" me time is so strange to me... Can time actually be "quantified?" I mean time spent talking, loving, putting children to bed, reading stories... How can you actually put a number to that?? Life is not cold mathematics...
1:38 AM
1- Yes you made clear that it was not the ideal Muslim polygynous marriage that sucks, but your real practical one.... and the one of many other women faced to the same imperfections and "forced" to approuve or accept them in the very name of this trangressed Islam by a man able to use religion to his advantage.
2- You're right also about forgiveness. It might come later on. But, as far as I remember, forgiveness can come if there is, even slight, even timid, a recognition from the other one that he has hurt you. A kind of "please forgive me" or "yes I was doing things not perfect". Without that, it's not that much forgiveness, because somewhere, deep inside, you still feel wronged.
But don't care about that long future now. Your anger is helping you now, giving you the strength to go away and claim your due. How could you if you hadn't been wronged ? Your anger is helping you to improve your life... And I hope this comes quickly.
You should not either fuel you're anger. But, by now, it's time to really recongize all what happened... that's also a condition for future forgiveness, because what if you don't really know what to forgive ?
2:11 AM
oh Safa I wish I could find that husband of yours and just strangle him for all the pain he is making you go through. It makes me sick how men are totally bending the "right to have more than one wife" It's no wonder why women are against the idea, you have to treat your wives equally, in order for us to appreciate their right.I wish I could just strike my magic wand and Poof! all your pain is gone, but I know that doesn't exist but what does I will do, that is to keep you in my prayers.
4:24 AM
In my situation I am void of both Quantity and Quality.......
And since I've asked for a divorce....he doesn't even talk to me.......
I'm not sure how to proceed....
6:59 AM
well you need to go to canada somehow perhaps and get out of here. or maybe talk to his family. u have to define what your purpose is..and get some sheikh involved..someone perhaps who knows him in Canada..from perhaps a masjid he attends regularly.
you gota decide...you wana stay here? you wana go back to canada? then you work on it somehow.
it seems like you did your big bang of asking him for a divorce..and then now yur in a circle of 'waiting' again.
7:11 AM
Are you still stuck about the baby's paperwork? It seems like the best way to confront him will be in person. If you can go to Canada, then you can perhaps get someone from your community there to intervene (not to mention have your mother's support--i know she's not Muslim, but she's your MOM!) or you can directly go to him and make him face the situation. I think a few people have said it before, but as long as your husband is in Canada and you are in Egypt, he is going to be able to avoid the situation for as long as he can.
For what it's worth, you are entitled to your anger. I'm making dua for you. (I think so many of us are making dua for you. That's the best thing anybody can have in a situation like this, alhamdulillah.)
7:15 AM
I can't get out of here cuz the baby's paperwork CANNOT be done. I've tried every little thing. It's done. And yes...It seems I'm in that same circle of waiting again.
I have an idea of a sheikh I can contact in Canada....just thought of him.....will see what I can do in order to contact him....
7:20 AM
Safa yup it sucks it sucks big time...for you it sucks havign an ungreatful husband for me an ungreatful co wife..... sometimes peopel dont know how good they had it until it is gone....inshaallah one day he will know how special you are and feel the pain 100 time greater than the pain you are feeling now.
7:25 AM
It sucks for everyone involved except for the man who is so self-centered that he doesn't care about or even NOTICE that his wives and children are unhappy. Unfortunately that seems to be almost all the men who practice polygyny. Polygyny is a man's conscious decision to grab whatever he wants at the expense of others who he shortchenges.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
9:08 AM
Safa,
I stumbled onto your site a couple of months ago and have been reading your blog in shock. I am from India and grew up with both Hindu & muslim friends and can tell you that almost all the muslim girls were packed off for marriage (usually to their first cousins) as soon as we finished with elementary school (approx age 16). The rest of us went on to high school and then university. Whenever we met these girls, they seemed to be shadows of themselves - no personality, mothers long before their time,tired looking and with all vitality squeezed out of them. having lived in India, I am well aware of polygamy and know one thing - no good comes of it (definitely not for the women). Each and every human being has the right to freedom and a fair and happy life on earth, you do NOT, absolutely do NOT, get there by sharing what should be your most meaningful relationship on earth with other women. The bond between a husband and wife (not wives) is sacred - I have somebody to love, to cherish, to depend upon and vice versa. I know that even today, after 3 children and 17 years of married life, I come FIRST for my husband - it makes me feel good about myself, I revel in the love he has for me and feel confident facing the future. I am absolutely shocked that most women commenting here can actually accept the fact of polygamy - I assume you are educated - How can you accept a relationship that reduces everything to centre around a husband - its all about him - his needs, his desires, his wants. Give me a break - for your sake and for the sake of your children you need to get out of this emotionally abusive relationship. I am sorry to sound brusque, but having surmounted many odds in life, CHANGE is in your hands. Your life is yours to live only once - don't spoil it.
9:14 AM
Anonymous 9:14 am....
So can u imagine after 17 yrs of married life, and ur 3 precious children that suddenly ur thrown into Polygyny?
I sometimes wonder.....have I moved too slow? But then where would my Precious Baby be?
Alhamdulillah......for all things, alhamdulillah......
12:23 PM
Mashallah Safa you've earned the right to say ANYTHING you'd like about polygamy...! Good grief...
Meanwhile, there must be someone who can help you get out of Egypt - what about the Canadian consulate? Is there a women's rights org in Canada that deals with international issues? There are lawyers who do this kind of work for free... Domestic violence orgs may also be able to help - of course, al hamdolilah your hubby has not been violent towards you, but it is definitely a kind of abuse for him to keep you trapped in this situation.
It is your right to go home, and with your kids.
Keep searching and keep asking around, and let us know if there is anything we can do to help you other than our dua. Don't give up!
love Sarah
6:01 PM
Safa, I have often wondered about something. You and many of the other bloggers are so caught in the lying and the deception that brought ou into a polygynous marriage.
I wonder if you all would really be happy if he was upfront and honest, if he was giving you equal time.
I am going to suppose that many wouldn't. Poylgyny, when practiced properly, can ease the pain but never completely erases it.
No matter how you got into it the outcome is still the same.
I pray for you much success and happiness. Your own happiness on your own terms. Something that suits you and your children the rest.
I have noticed, from my experience, that men don't like ultimatums and that is what you gave him. You said do A and B or I want a divorce. Remember he is the "man" and he calls the shots. You should just be the good little wife and sit in egypt and wait for him.
Safa, dear, if you are ready you have to make the first move when possible. Don't wait arond for him to do it.
Whatever you decide we are here by your side supporting you all the way.
8:04 PM
Safa,
Have you seen a lawyer about the birth certificate issue? Personally, I know of cases where these things have been resolved in Yemen, Jordan and Indonesia. I do not know about Egypt but I can ask about it.
If you are going to see a lawyer please choose one carefully. A good way to choose one who is familiar with such matters, is a referral from progressive and legal minded womens groups. They often have lawyers who do probono work or represent thier clients on a regular basis. A domestic violence support group will also have similar lawyers on call. Please look for one who has empathy with your cause.
What you choose to do with your marriage is a seperate matter, but please secure your childs future in any eventuality by getting the birth certicate fixed.
Sadiyah
4:10 AM
Most cases of polygyny seem to SUCK because most men in it SUCK BIG TIME. Hey women can be suckers to, with all the jealousy involved and all. But these men are the ones who totally overrated themselves by thinking they could handle the situation. They should have taken Allah's warning concerning the fear of being injustice more serious..."but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly [with them], then only one...That will be more suitable to prevent you from doing injustice." But no they tell themselves and there wives their just practicing a right that Allah has given them and a sunnah of our beloved prophet. Well injustice and lying are definitely not rights given to men by Allah and are not from the sunnah!
Ans yes, women should be urged to be patient and lenient towards their husband and co-wife and their shortcomings, but should a woman be pushed to put up with years of betrayal, false promises, neglected rights etc.? For the benefit of her own imaan and that of her children and maybe even that of the husband, I would have to say NO. So Safa, don't wonder about if's and but's and don't feel guilty.
6:20 AM
Of course Allah knows best, but I dont think there are a handful of men in our times who could make polgyny a pleasant experience to us women. Maybe back then they really did know how to do it. But nowadays the papers, the blogs, the neighbors, the family, all reveal an aweful polygonous life due to the men who just simply don't fear Allah in every little move they make!!!
3:22 PM
One could also write: Marriage Sucks. Or, indeed: Life Sucks. I can go on and on with endless titles (Having Siblings Sucks, Men Suck, etc.) that resonate with this theme, but I won't.
If life throws you lemons, throw it watermelons (if making lemonade is too much of a hassle for you). Joking aside, I don't think the real problem is polygamy in and of itself. If you had an option between a much more pleasant polygamous marriage with a really caring man, an understanding co-wife, and well, a palace and a pony to boot. Or a monogamous marriage to an alcoholic, abusive, mentally sick bastard: which would you choose? No, prince charming is already taken. Really, would you really be complaining about polygamy? Would you want to trade places?
As for Anonymous: what has education got to do with accepting polygamy? Try to be less insulting and more logical, please. For the women (like you) who won the lottery of a monogamous marriage, they'll get your praise of being educated. But for the 'extra' female population: they should remain single or what?
No one ever claimed that polygamy was pleasant (for women, that is). But men have an obligation to make it easier on their wives. At the very least, they have to be fair. Maybe your post title should've been "Unfairness Sucks". Let's hope we won't read one of your kids' future blog posts with that title regarding her 'mommy dearest' and her siblings.
1:04 AM
One could also write: Marriage Sucks. Or, indeed: Life Sucks. I can go on and on with endless titles (Having Siblings Sucks, Men Suck, etc.) that resonate with this theme, but I won't.
If life throws you lemons, throw it watermelons (if making lemonade is too much of a hassle for you). Joking aside, I don't think the real problem is polygamy in and of itself. If you had an option between a much more pleasant polygamous marriage with a really caring man, an understanding co-wife, and well, a palace and a pony to boot. Or a monogamous marriage to an alcoholic, abusive, mentally sick bastard: which would you choose? No, prince charming is already taken. Really, would you really be complaining about polygamy? Would you want to trade places?
As for Anonymous: what has education got to do with accepting polygamy? Try to be less insulting and more logical, please. For the women (like you) who won the lottery of a monogamous marriage, they'll get your praise of being educated. But for the 'extra' female population: they should remain single or what?
No one ever claimed that polygamy was pleasant (for women, that is). But men have an obligation to make it easier on their wives. At the very least, they have to be fair. Maybe your post title should've been "Unfairness Sucks". Let's hope we won't read one of your kids' future blog posts with that title regarding her 'mommy dearest' and her siblings.
1:07 AM
Assalamualaikum dear Safa,
I just wanted to say somethings in response to the 9.14 anon. I've already written it once, but lost it, so maybe you've already read this.
In Islam, a girl becomes a woman when she hits puberty. You may think getting married at 16/17 is too young, but in reality it isnt. Here in britain, only 15-20 years ago or so, white british girls were getting married after they left school at 16. If you go even further back in history, girls were getting married at 14/15. But now modern society has placed this false perception that girls getting married in their late teens are too young - even though their body has been ready for years.
You also seem to imply that being a full time mum or a housewife comes second to getting a degree at unversity. There are many girls who have got their degrees, and have now hit the age of 30 and left it a bit late. They are struggling to find a spouse. I, on the other hand am younger than most people i know, but i am the happiest. Not because i have a degree, but because i am a housewife and a mother. 'Paradise lies at the feet of your mother', there is so much blessings and rewards in being a mother.
A convert brother once said 'study islam, dont study the muslims'. The religion has no faults, but the people do. Here in the west there are many crimes being committed by people from all races and backgrounds. You will never find people saying 'christianity teaches domestic violence' when a white man beats his wife. But as soon as a muslim man does it, his crime is linked back to islam. People can never seem to seperate the crime from the religion. Your friends are a shadow of themselves because of the family they have come from, and the family they have married into, may not be practicing the religion correctly. Islam places the same emphasis on the woman being educated as much as the man. Both are equal. If the women are shadows of themselves - whose fault is that? Islam doesnt say that she has to be like this. More than anything i would say its the family she has married into, who may not be giving her the opportunity to study and learn. Many of the south asian families have mixed in the culture into the religion. For example, in many of the asian 'muslim' families the daughter-in-law HAS to bow down and touch the feet of the elders as a sign of respect. The Prophet (saw) said that we only bow down to Allah, no-one else.....not to our parents or husband.....so why do they do it?? Because they are not following the Quran and sunna. They cannot differentiate between the culture and the religion.
We have grown up with one grandad and two grandmas' (ie my dad's dad, and my dads two mums). We have always had two grandmas. We always loved them both and they gave the same in return. We never asked questions as to why our grandad married twice. To us that was just the norm. Then two years ago, my mum told us the real story. My dad and his elder brother were both young when our real grandfather died. Thus my grandma became a widow with two young sons and no-one to take care of her.
Meanwhile, there was a couple who were married for years, and could not have children. The wife said i 've heard about a woman who is a young widow, why dont you marry her so that we can have a family in the home? After hesitation the husband agreed and married my grandmother. They then had two children. But the first wife never did have any children.
Subhanallah, the friendship that these two women had was so close. They were literally best friends. The first one took care of my dad and my uncle like they were her own children. And the second one allowed the first to raise her children without harbouring any hard feelings.
Last year the first grandmother passed away. And do you know what the second grandma said? She said 'Ohh Allah! Why didnt you take me with her too? I'm all alone without my husband and now my friend too.'
If the grandma, who didnt have any children, reduced her marriage to centre around her - then what would've happened to that widow with two young children?
Safa's life is hers - but who gave it to her? Allah gives life back to her every morning she wakes up. Every new day will bring its trials and tribulations to test her steadfastness.
Please forgive me if i have upset anyone in anyway. These are only my opinions, whatever good is in them is from Allah, and whatever bad is from me.
Walaikumsalam
Starlight
10:42 AM
Anony 9:14
Safa is a slow burn, so what? She's doing the best she can. Give her a damn break...the world's given her a lot on her shoulder's right now...don't you think? How's about giving her a pat on the back for saying "enough"! Lots of women never even get to the point where they can say that to their husband.
8:23 PM
Wisdom Lover,
Read my post again, my point was that the muslim girls in my school had NO CHOICE regarding education, the rest of us took it for granted that we could study further - even that was denied to them. Some were so keen to continue with further studies but knew that was not possible. Look at most of you on this site, so resigned to your fate as wives # 1, or 2 or 3 - trying to rationalize polygamy and thus make it more palatable. Safa, believe me, there is only one way your relationship is going and that is downhill. For your sake and for the sake of your kids, get out and go back to that most beautiful of countries - Canada. It's summer and it's heavenly. You shouldn't have to suffer. Consider your little boy as a gift from God and a chance to change your life.
1:00 PM
Bismillah.
Assalaamu alaykum,
Sister Safa I think you have handled things very well so far, Alhamdulillah. You have shown yourself to be a very capable, admirable, strong and loyal woman masha'Allah. Whatever your qadr, may you be as patient or even more so, ameen.
Thinking of you & your situation I thought of this verse:
O you who believe! Seek help in patience and As-Salât (the prayer). Truly! Allâh is with As-Sâbirin (the patient ones, etc.). (Al-Baqarah 2:153)
Ma'a Salaama,
Aliyah
11:26 PM
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