Mark this day.....

I've always been a fair headed person......not a blonde....no, that's not what I mean....but I think fair. I think logical, give everyone their fair chance and a good listener. Yes, I'm passive. It's frustrating and very difficult to pull yourself out of. I've always taken my passiveness as an asset to my faith. Mistakenly called it patience. Looking back on the years, I realize that it wasn't only patience....no....it wasn't.

I've been thru the ringer this year. Been pulled and stretched emotionally past that tense point many times and I've still held it together. Been beaten down and shocked again and again and still remained some semblance of myself. Been hurt and betrayed above and beyond anything that has ever happened to me in the my entire life and still I dare to hope. What's wrong with me? I think about it and remember the story of Summaya, the first woman shahid, who refused to deny her islam and then suffered a painful, humiliating death. She had faith. She had that uncompromising belief in her islam, unshakeable, even in the eyes of death. But with the promise of something more, she stood firm, and Allah has lifted her up, and her bravery is still spoken about until today.

I'm not that brave.

I thought very seriously, while I was in Canada, about leaving my husband. I thought that maybe I could rent a house, me and the girls...maybe mom would come live with us. I went as far as to get a phone number of a nice house to rent. Never did call tho. Thought that I could prolly go on some gov't assistance plan, until I could find some work. Maybe try to get into working at an islamic school or something. I had the pieces of a workable plan. But somehow, I kept looking at my husband and thinking....should I? Dare I? In the end I decided that 15 yrs of marriage shouldn't be thrown away without a chance of trying to fix it up. And I had to give it a fair chance. I.....HAD.....TO. I'm about being fair, u know? Nothing less from me....nothing more from you. I really thought about leaving him.

I'm not that strong.

I married young. I was 18. I hadn't experienced life to its fullest. I was about playing sports, about making money, about being the best person I could be. I made a lot of life choices when I turned 16...which is quite young. Until today, I live by those choices. That's a good thing. When I chose to move from my house right into marriage, I skipped a step. It's called independance. I've never lived that. I went from my mother's rule, to my husbands. And have lived that way for the last 17 yrs. No regrets. Not me....EVER. My hubby and I did our part to build a good foundation for our marriage...we had our hard times....our adjusting times.....but we pulled thru. Alhamdulillah, we bonded and felt a love like no other. I never thought our family unit would change. I thought I would grow old with my husband and that we'd have a 50 yr anniversary party with our kids and our grandkids, in our villa, with friends and family. I thought we were the marriage that people would talk about. We were the key to things working! We could conquer it all, as long as we had each other....we were solid...undamageable. FIRM.

I'm not that sure now.

It really all started when we decided that I would move to Egypt to raise the kids. One year, we agreed. Just one and he'd follow. One led to two and two to three...and...and....ho hum. It never crossed my mind that our foundation would be affected. I always thought that when push comes to shove...hubby would be RIGHT THERE beside me in an instant. He told me he would. I can be there in less than 24 hours if something ever happens, he'd say. I believed that. He told me that I was his heaven....and I believed that. I stayed with those kids, raised them, lived in this foreign country by myself....none of his family helping me learn the ways....and struggled without him gone. But who was I to complain? He was bringing us good money, and slowly raising us up....getting our stability firmly grounded in Egyptian soil. Yes, yes, yes....its what we wanted. Never forgetting our duty to Allah, paying our zakat, giving sadaqah, my hubby went for Umra again. Alhamdulillah. I never had the feeling that it was too much for me...too much for him. Just a little longer, just a little more. And the years slowly passed by. I never complained, I never gave any idea that I had a hard time sometimes. I gladly took the reins of our life, and started to lead.

I didn't know.

A lot of things. I just trusted and believed....and worried about the minor things. I remember one telling my hubby that I was scared our memories would grow so far apart that when we sat and reminisced together....we'd have this blank 6 yrs and not know what to share. SubhanAllah.....the least of my worries, for sure.

I'm feeling very reflective today. I had my little crying spell this morning, almost couldn't stop, but then finally got ahold of myself. Today is a hard day. Today marks the beginning of the end of my innocence. It marks the true beginning when my calm ocean started making waves. I look back and wonder at myself, at my life, at my choices. No regrets, Safa. EVER. Alhamdulillah, first and foremost. But after that.........? Will I continue to live a life of solitude....of broken promised.....moments forgotten.....dreams never materialized. Will I become the muslimah who says....I have Allah and thats enough? Could I? Don't I just wish for a tiny bit more? Just a wee bit? Will I continue to be a mother and father to my children? The rule enforcer, the comforter, the disciplinarian, and everything else that is parts of both? Will my 14 yr old continue to call me Bama?

I'm not that perservering.

I just want some ease.....some closure.....a little extra oxygen in my air so I can feel what it's like to really breathe. Have I been holding my breath? Waiting for this day to come....praying that it wouldn't? I have been. I've been drowning myself under water.....praying that I won't have to see the light of this day.....and here it is....it came secretely in the night while I was sleeping. You thief! Thief who came and stole away my happiness. Oh how I despise you December 2nd. That day should be ripped from all the calenders of the world and mutilated, cut into tiny pieces, miniscule pieces like you've left my heart. Just bits and pieces! That's what you've done, O deadliest of days!! And here you come again...in my face....forever for each one of my living years, I will have to live thru this day again and again and again!!! Dec 2nd! Dec 2nd! Dec 2nd!!! Haunt me you will, hurt me you do......I pray that for the rest of my life that my eyes don't fall upon this day. I can't begin to describe the ice in my heart this morning as I look at the calender and u jumped out at me, DEC 2ND!! Ohhhh, u dreariest of days!

I'm not doing that well.

I'm just going to take a lazy day today. Don't ask much of me. I'm not going to sit anywhere by myself....going to keep my girls near to me. I'm not going to go online again today. I'm not going outside my house today. I'm not....I'm not.....I'm not.......OH HOW I HATE THIS DAY!! I HATE THIS DAY!! I HATE THIS DAY!! HOW DARE YOU SHOW UR UGLY FACE ON MY SCREEN, ON MY PHONE, ON MY WALL,ON THE NEWSPAPER
....EVERYWHERE...EVERYWHERE....EVERYWHERE.....(crying now)........everywhere.......every damn where.........

(still crying.....it just squeezes my heart.....!...!....!....!....!)

But let me say it and be done. Just SAY IT....and get it out there. Let go of it...and have it done for now. Can I? Dare I? Will I?...............(crying softly).......YA RAB!.....Ya Rabbee, sayidnee!

You made ur choice on Dec 2nd. On that day you married MM, u decided not to tell me, u decided to go ahead with it.....u decided that I could handle it....u decided ur kids could handle it....u decided not to choose me and your kids. I hope you enjoy your anniversary today. One of us deserves to be happy.

(crying again)

I only wish it was me.