Polygyny isn't contagious.......
Today is the last day of my 10 day silence. I haven't harped on my hubby...I haven't said the word "sheikh" on the phone to him.....I haven't asked about my non-existant rights......when he talked to our 9 yr old daughter and told her that he doesn't think he's coming in Eid like he said....I stayed shut. Not a word. 10 days of just letting life move along....a time to gather myself...my senses....to think about wants and remove from them the needs. I've essentially, gotten back to basics. It's been a quiet 10 days.....I've started cooking again....slowly hammering at that laundry....even if I'm doing a half ass job. I moved around the TV, and put it in the small livingroom.....that helps me with the housecleaning. I've tried living. I actually went as far as to go to my girls school and ask about the girls.....(more about that later)...... But how do I feel?
Like a divorced woman I suppose.....or a woman with a boyfriend who calls once in a while.....maybe a sugar daddy.....but not like a wife. Nope....far from it. I don't feel like a "wife"....with a man around the house, who likes his food just so....who takes comfort in me......who likes to snuggle at night.......who I love to love. That part is non-existant.
So tomorrow is the end of my 10 day silence....if Hubby should happen to call me today, I think I'll ask him to get a phone card to call me, so he won't call me from work. That means he'll be calling me around the fajr. I suppose I'll ask him if he'll be at his wife's house first....cuz I will advise him that I want to talk to him when he's going to be alone......that way he can think. So I'll ask him what's going on....where is his life headed.....and if he's come up with any solutions. I'll ask him if he's talked to the Sheikh....which I doubt..... If he has no solutions.....I spose I'm going to ask him when he plans on having some? And then maybe I'll tell him something like.....if you don't have any solutions then I'll have to come up with some of my own. Because honestly friends....I'm suffering here. It's not so much the other wife anymore, as it's the lack of attention, intimacy....you know what I mean? When I was in Canada, I was pretty good about him going to MM's house....I could handle it.......but I had a husband...the kids had a father....but I'm looking at Eid # 3 without a hubby? My kids will CRY THEIR EYES OUT! Last Eid sucked! Until now when they talk about it they get tears in their eyes. The family has completely backed off from us.....I feel like calling them up and telling them,
"HEY! POLYGYNY ISN"T CONTAGIOUS, OKAY?"
Just so they know. I don't want to harp on my hubby....I just want to state facts....try and keep my emotions out of it..................................just be straightforward and see what he has to say.....what he has planned.....what he's GOING TO DO. I think I'm going to be sadly disappointed....what do you think?******************************
So let me tell you about the conversation I had with my american friend.....she's a real gem. I love her to death. She's a year older than my mom....and my best friend in the world.....I never knew that I'd travel to Egypt to find a friend like her. I called her in desperation yesterday because my 14 yr old was having a little emotional breakdown. She was following around behind me and wanted to talk. So I sat down with her and she talked about school and her friends...and then at one point she told me....."ana feshla"....I didn't understand the word "feshla"...so I asked her to explain it....and she looked at me and said....I'm feshla just like our life....it's a failure, Mama! WHOA!! Of course I didn't go for that....and told her that we aren't failures and our life has goodness.....and then she said....we have a father who doesn't have time to be with us....and he has a wife who gets everything WE NEED!
So I asked her how? And she said....we need to live with him and he's living with her.....we need time with him and he only has time for her.....she said so many things. And then even went as far to say that MM is the luckiest bitch in the world. OMG! I'm not kidding. So I stopped her there and said, LISTEN! We have no reason to be mad at MM for ANY of your fathers decisions! She isn't tying him up there so he can't come! She's not doing anything....it's HIS CHOICE FOR THAT! So you show some respect! We sat quietly for about 10 mins after that....and then she got up and went to her room....music on loud.
So I called my American friend and asked her what should I do? I have no idea where to go with this? She talked tough to me and told me that the biggest mistake I can make at this age with my daughter is to be her friend. That I've got to lay down rules and not take my daughter to be my buddy......she told me you have to do whatever it takes to make her wake up and accept the situation and move on. Even if you have to LIE and tell her that you've gotten over it....it HAS TO BE DONE!! She told me that my hubby hasn't done anything haraam....and that his wife has rights.....and that my hubby is in a situation....etc etc. She said...DEFEND HIM! So I whined to her and said..."How on earth can I do that when I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the entire world????" She told me, YOU HAVE TO DO IT!! Your daughter is 14....and if she feels pulled in two directions..it will kill her emotionally....don't make her choose, Safa...she said. If she feels like you are on her Dad's side...then she doesn't have to choose.....
OMG. I love you, buddy. You make so much sense. I thank GOD for her....I really do.
posted by Safa at 7:41 AM
9 Comments:
I'm floored! Really! I completely disagree with your American friend. Ajeeb wallah, what is she thinking with this advice? Has she forgotten what is to be 14? 14 year olds are not dumb, blind or deaf. Lying or pretending around your daughter that everything is okay (when it is obviously not) is asking for trouble. Whether you know it or not, your daughters know you about as well as your husband, if not better since they are there with you and he is not. Lying will only upset her more and possibly damage her relationship with you because right now it is about trust. Do you trust those who lie to you? Do you respect those who lie to you? She needs to be able to trust you. You don't want your daughter to lose respect for you.
And what is this that your husband has not done the haram - he has! His children, like you, have rights over him. His children don't get night or days or weeks or months. Allah has given them the rights to full time father.
Safa, don't let others fool you into thinking that your situation is about sabr and iman. That's craziness and wallah, there is a lot craziness in the ummah so stay clear of it. How you dealt with the confrontation was good, honest and strong. It's true, it's not about MM. It's about the choices that your husband and you too are making. Those choices can affect them, but it won't ever define them unless they choose themselves for it to. At 14 your daughter is old enough to understand that she has to choose the khyr and work for it no matter what. Help her to understand that. And continue to be honest with your girls. Tell them as much of the truth that they need. But don't pity yourself or them and don't let your daughter use it as a means for rebellion. Fight for her and push her to overcome it, even if it means she will be angry. She is angry and you know what, she has a right to be angry. Help her to get it out and help her direct that energy into more positive things. What does she like to do? What is she good at? Are there creative programs for girls? Maybe she can start some sort of a club in her neighborhood? She needs an outlet Safa. How can you help create an environment of productivity for her and the rest of your girls. Inshallah, give her a hug and tell her that so many of her sisters are praying for her from around the world. This is just one small moment in her life, inshallah.
Oh and your title was funny. I was talking to my sister in law just last week and we were discussing the whole contract issue. So told me to not ever agree to it because it's like a fire that spreads. If one in the family does it, then the rest will too.
I think Arab women difinitely think polygyny is contagious -- it's just like having the coodies.
8:33 AM
Asalamalaykom Safa,
Choice: you could spend your energy forcing the issues with your hub OR you could spend your energy helping your children dig themselves out of this problem.
Which one? Because you don't really have energy to do both. Honestly.
And your hub doesn't want your input BUT your kids do.
And your hub is FAR FAR away (in more ways than one) and your kids are in the next room.
And your hub is no one you are responsible for at the end of your life BUT your kids are.
And your hub is not helping with your day-to-day living BUT your kids are.
Hmmmm....think about it! :)
As for your friend's comments about your 14 year old: I agree with her. She needs a protector, not a confider. Keep letting her know that bottom line is that he will always be their dad no matter what. He loves them to the best of his ability. Life has down times and up times and the whole family will weather this storm if you all believe and trust in Allah.
11:27 AM
ASA,
I agree wuth everything said above. I was 14 once and I remember and resented when my mother tried to lie to me about things my father did. In in way if can make the child lose what little respect they have for you and even more bitter.
Whats most important is that she has someone she ca trust and is truthful because in the real world she will see ugly things and will have to know how to comfront them. If you hide, lie, and become "fake" you will take away the skills she needs to fight her way through similar battles.
Ya Allah SWT, please have mercy on this family
11:45 AM
I totally agree with Musleema...and befriending your children at this age is the Sunna anyway, and she is right about the situation being haram and not being about you having sabr etc. Yes, you need sabr, we all do...but not the kind of sabr that lets your rights be trampled over, that's wrong and alhamdulillah you know that and you are strong and so i don't need to say anymore!!!
where i do agree with your american friend is on the being torn between parents issue.perhaps you can emphasize that even though their Dad is making mistakes when it comes to their rights and yours etc, that he is human and their dad and that we all transgress at times in our lives. You don't need to make her feel like you are on her Dads side regarding this issue but just that you don't mind her still loving and needing him..so she wont feel bad about still trying to be close to him. Maybe find a balance between talking to her about how you feel so she knows the trust is there, but not going over the top when it comes to being angry with him, expressing that what he has done is wrong etc. I'm not making any assumptions about what you are doing already. From what you have said, it sounds like you are being a fantastic Mum in the circumstances. You could tell them that yes, as your american friend has said, your husband has rights, but so do all of you and that it is the lack of balance in where the rights are being upheld that is wrong, not the second marriage in itself....
2:00 PM
I have to tell you that I disagree with your friend too. I'm so sorry. She's hurting and she's old enough that she understands the truth. You should listen to her feelings and let her say whatever she needs to. She just wants to feel comforted that is why she was talking with you and the worst thing you can do is make her stop talking with you and hold it all in.
I do believe, however, you were right in saying that it wasn't the other womans fault and it is your husbands. Be honest. Tell them you don't understand either and that you are doing all you can to make things right.
Honesty is best. You are right in not letting them see you cry your eyes out everyday, but it's also ok to talk honestly with your feelings. Your daughter obviously needs you-her mommie. Believe you me, she won't ever talk with you like a friend ha ha...she needs her momma to make things better for her..and sometimes all that means is listening and giving her a hug and telling her you are sorry that she is hurting. That can be the best thing in the world for her. Don't let her slip away. 14 year olds can cut you off in a minute and you need to know what is going on in their minds. She is obviously hurting. Bless her heart.
4:08 PM
salaams safa. i agree with the 3 comments above. u dont want to end up in a situation where your daughter hates u or cant even come to u to talk cos shes lost trust in u. that hurts big time
ad for the rest of the post...made me feel os sad. wish i was close by to give u a biggggggggg huggggggggggg. no one should have to endure what u going through, n being preggers no top of it. Ya Allah when will all this end?
11:53 PM
Wow...thanks everyone....what great comments to make me think. I think my american friend was harsh.....but she knows me and knows how to get thru to me. U are right about a 14 yr olds biggest issue being trust. I will not jeapordize that. I've been basically fighting with her for 3 days...she went to bed crying a couple of nights ago and when I tried to approach her, she asked me to be alone.....I hated walking out of that room....I asked her if I could just sit with her...but she didn't want even that. I spose she has to choose her own time.
She had a class at the club yesterday...and I went to pick her up....on the way home in the car we stopped and got a pop and talked and joked.....she was fine.....better....but not, u know?
I'm thinking something really crazy now.....I'm thinking that after I have this big blowout discussion with my hubby that I'm taking a 30 day time off from him. I'll just spend my energy dealing with the kids and won't talk to him anymore....and I'll tell him that. Say I can't help him and he's only bothering me and hurting me and it's making me lose focus on the kids.....so that I'm letting go for a month....he can spend that time thinking and coming to some decisions.....is it crazy? You know what? I think it'll work.
12:34 AM
Salamu alaykum,
I would just go with the flow and not put time limits on when you will deal with him. If he's acting good and treating you well trying to communicate then don't block him out. If on the other hand he's avoiding issues and refusing to confront the reality then let him know how this makes you feel and how when he does this you don't feel good and if he's going to do this while you are pregnant it is not right. 30 days is a bit much and while he may deserve it you shouldn't make hijrah from your husband even though it feels like he's continuously doing it to you.
5:53 AM
What wonderful advice!!!! To be honest I found that the best advice I got from people were the people who were not siding with me although they wanted to. After my hubby married Lisa I had a lot of friends who fueled the fire, but there were those few who reminded me of my purpose and of Allah. The people who advised me to look at what I am doing rather than what they (my hubby and Lisa) are doing. Those people are the ones who inspired me to be better and to be patient and survive. We're not the first ones to go through this and we won't be the last. We have to deal because it's not in our hands. It is in the Hands of Allah, so when we want something then we should ask Him. We should always ask for what is good. I ask Allah to take away my jealousy of Lisa, To make me more patient, to bring my husband and I closer and to place tranquility in our marriage, I ask Allah to make me as beloved to my hubby as Aisha (ra) and Khadijah (ra) were to the Prophet (saaw), I ask Allah to make me love Lisa as if she was my own sister and to make us the best of friends. These things make it easier for me. Ask Allah for what you want safa and He is the only one who will give it to you. Love you girlie!
6:20 AM
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