I blew it.......
Ohhhhhhhhh BOY! Things sure didn't work out like I planned. Hubby called and talked to me..... He's been calling every day and specifically talking to the 9 yr old.....ever since I told him that she's been having trouble at school....it's been bothering him. Something about his way of dealing with it has been bothering me as well. He doesn't ask her about why the teachers are mad at her. He doesn't ask her why she doesn't answer the questions in the class. He doesn't ask her why, after she lost her geography book, she didn't copy someone elses to bring it herself up to date. He doesn't ask. Instead, he acts like her concerned father who doesn't know anything about how she's been doing....and asks her questions that are "safe". Yes, it's bothering me. Why does he have to act like he doesn't know? Whats wrong with him yelling at her on the phone and telling her that she better get her act together? What's wrong with that?????
So he called today...and after a little bit of initial chit chat.....he asks about her. So I told him I went to the school, talked to the teachers...and had the geography teacher promise to send me home one of the other students geography books so that my daughter can copy it. I asked my 9 yr old, why she never raises her hand anymore....her reasoning? I'm not the only one...there are other girls who don't like to answer questions either. So anyways...after I told my hubby all the news...he's like....ok...here is what you are going to do....
"You go to the school tomorrow and get the teacher to give you the geography notebook....then you talk to the 9 yr old and tell her if she doesn't fix herself up that you'll have to tell Baba....and hopefully, she'll pull it together and I won't have to get involved."
I snapped.
Whats wrong with you getting involved? What's wrong with you getting upset on the phone? Why can't you do any of that? He's from the opinion that the father has to be the strict disciplinarian....and when he gets involved....IT'S THE END!! But you know? That doesn't work with me....because for 6 yrs I've been running the show with these girls.......what's the point of me threatening their father on them? I told him....in the end....if she fixes herself up....AGAIN...I get to deal with things. I said.."I can't handle this entire relationship by myself!!" What do you mean by that, he asked? So I said...I PROGRAM YOUR CELL PHONE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! So you don't forget birthdays, anniversaries...I call you when the kids tell you they want something...when you are here in Egypt and one of the kids asks you to bring home something with you, I call you and remind you...I text you....if you've made a promise to the kids, I don't let you forget it. MY GOD, the 3 yr old has this lollipop fad...so I bought $1 worth of lollipops and put them in his bedroom drawer in case she asks him for one!! So I said...I CAN'T CARRY THIS RELATIONSHIP ALL BY MYSELF!!
His answer....?? Silence. And then he quietly says to me....okay, I guess I can't talk to you right now, I'll call you tomorrow. He said salam and hung up.
I'M SO HURT NOW! What a stupid dumb ass cowardly thing to do.....lucky he's overseas, ain't it? If he was in Egypt, he'd have to deal with me. But naawww...he has the easy option, AGAIN! Just hang up. Oh, I pray that he's actually thinking about something that I said....please...ya rab! Let him be thinking about what I said.....and not just mad.......sometime....somehow...something has to get thru to him.
So I never got to tell him to call me with a phone card...never told him that I needed to talk....... I blew it. But insha Allah, when he calls tomorrow....if it should be from work....I'm going to tell him that I can't talk when he's at work....so now after all the pressure of waiting 10 days...I'm going to have to make it 11. I guess it's an extra day to think, isn't it? Just keep me away from the kitchen....please.
posted by Safa at 10:28 AM
12 Comments:
Being in the same country doesn't insure he will deal with anyting. I flew to Kuwait last weekend for my time with Mr. PM2. When I got there I discovered a major series of lies that he had engaged in for over a week. I was obviously upset and needed to discuss the issue to get resolution but hub shut down. I rebooked my return to Doha after 36 hours of the silent treatment. Haven't heard a single word from him since (it's been 5 days)
Safa, A lot of our problems are because of the type of men we are married to. They cannot be blamed on distance, other wives or demanding jobs. It's just who they are.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
12:32 PM
Safa, I don't think you blew it. 10 days is kinda arbitrary, IMHO. You simply said what was in your heart, ready to boil over. I worry about your husband's distancing-as if none of this is really a problem to him, a problem for you. I may be wrong, Safa, but I fear that he's chosen keeping wives 1 and 2 over a divorce. Perhaps that's not how he intended it initially, but it seems that you are a wife in name and function (to a lesser degree). All real obligations to the marriage, emotional, religious, and otherwise, are out the window.
I know your American friend's intentions are to show a fair side to your 14 year old, but I'm not sure out and out lying is a good thing for anyone, regardless of the intention. Your daughter is old enough to know what's going on, and I commend you for setting her straight-that this isn't about the 2nd wife, but it is about her father's choices. I do think your friend is right when she said to set the model of mother over friend. However, you can try to show and perhaps even say that you're ok with all of this, but again, children are perceptive. Ultimately, no matter what you do, they know their father isn't with them. They know that their aunts and uncles have slowly started to distance themselves from you and kids...they know.
If you can't get your husband to be the man you expect in a life partner, perhaps you can focus on getting him to be the father the kids need. Perhaps a scheduled time(s) during the week in which he and kids talk-just them. Encourage the kids to talk to him about what's bothering them (not necessarily related to your marriage, but school problems and such). Work on getting them to open up to him by encouraging good communication. You've been quite fair to him-It doesn't seem that you bad-mouth him to the kids. Let him answer for his own shortcomings by encouraging the children to speak openly about their feelings with him. In this situation there is, of course, a fine line between open dialogue and emotional manipulation, so it's all about "choosing their words". It's not about making Baba feel bad. It's about sharing.
I wish I could give better advice on the marriage. I think he needs a swift kick in the pants to take his life in one direction or another. This in-between is entirely unfair to you, and even moreso to the kids.
1:10 PM
He's from the opinion that the father has to be the strict disciplinarian....and when he gets involved....IT'S THE END!!
Suddenly my husbands parenting style makes sense!! he lets our kids run wild, expects me to be the one who tells them off continuosly, threatens them with 'Mummy getting cross' as if 'i'm the nasty ogre..and then every once in a while (very rarely) he explodes and goes completely over the top, usually totally innapropriately when they are naughty from being overtired etc. It drives me crazy...think it's just from the 'mummies do everything whilst daddies drink coffee and play cards' mentality, which thankfully he doesn't have much of, but every now and again it surfaces. most of the time, he's a beautiful father, but i know where you are coming from when it comes to discipline.
You did well and i am banging the walls with frustration for you over him hanging up, typical male response, don't deal with the problem just shut your eyes and hope it goes away. Is not being able to deal with confrontation from wives a general male attribute or is it exagerrated in Arabic men? scared of overgeneralising and being racist so i'll shut up here...
'If he was in Egypt, he'd have to deal with me....' nope, he could shut you out and ignore you even face to face and sometimes that's worse
Don't even look at the kitchen!
1:42 PM
AOA. Can I just tell you something in a very loving way?
Honestly, you are way too nice and your requests are not unfair.
I think a real possibliity here is that your children will grow up with some resentment towards you b/c you are the one who deals with daily things and disciplines. It's unfair that he gets to be the guy with magicically appearing suckers and the perfect gifts at the right time. Don't make your hubby into superman when super woman is the one doing all the work.
It's ok for them to see the human side of their Dad...even when he's not there that often. I think honestly, he'd be more involved if he heard from his kids how bad he sucked (ha ha) at remembering things and how they never hear from them on birthdays and so on. Kids can get to their senses a lot faster then we can.
You are super nice in helping your hsuband in this way, but look at you. You handle these things plus your own duties, so hand the tortch over now.
He honestly should be doing more for all of you. It makes me angry for you too.
Ok, hope I'm not stepping in. Lately I've been typing iwthout thinking and I don't want to come across as rude.
Ihope thigns turn out ok for you.
Love Sobia
3:54 PM
safa i agree with Sobia. sometimes being over nice allows other people to walk all over u and take advantage of your niceness. Safa u need to toughen up
become harsh, throw tantrums, tell ur in laws off, get mad.....vent my friend. its not healthy to keep thinga bottled up. u take on too much responsibilty n u neglecting yourself
u are a beautiful person worthy of love and respect. unless u stand ur ground and stand up for yourself people will think they can get away with anything. it saddens me that u have to endure all this. i cant take it anymore cos i feel your pain. Y u may ask? cos im going through similar pain.
safa i love u as my sister and as someone with whom i share so much. it kills me to see this guy take advantage of u this way. No ways Safa. something has to give
12:00 AM
PM....you just made it into a reality for me.....lately you have been right on with the observations....ur scaring me...LOL!!
I have been pushed up against the wall long enough....and I know the tantrums aren't far off....I know that I'm gonna be telling people off.....and I'm scared. Really. It's not me. But if toughening up means taking control...then that's what I have to do.....I will meet challenges head on and not expect anyone to dodge them for me.
Cairogal....I hear what you are saying and I want to say...I've always focused on my hubby being a great father...I've done things...I've manipulating everything to make him look good. But I'm not going to do that anymore.....it's gone. He's got his own two feet to stand on. and I'm not gonna hold him up anymore.
On my previous post comments section I brought up this crazy idea......I'm not gonna talk to my hubby for 30 days.....I'm gonna spend that time and focus on my life without any outside pressure. I can't do it....go over to the other post and read what I said. But you know what? During this conversation with him, I started shuddering and shaking uncontrollably.....my body is reacting to the stress/pressure and I find it hard to talk to him.....so I got to lay off.....
12:44 AM
I've had the same bodily reactions to stress over the last few months, what you're dealing with is enough in any circumstances let alone when pregnant, i really do think it has a big impact on the way our minds and bodies cope (or don't cope). Remember what's going on in there, a whole new human being is being created! I think time out is a good idea, but so hard to maintain...do whatever you need to do, put yourself, your baby and your kids first..Can you get any more advice from the Sheikh that your husb hasn't called?
1:38 AM
I know it would be hard to maintain for me....but I hope it would be harder for him....I think I'm getting too consumed by things.....I have been for the longest time.
I can definately call the Sheikh again. But what sort of advice are you thinking? Should I tell him that I've told my husband the three possible solutions that he's mentioned...and my hubby promised me that he would call him....and then ask him what options I have now? What do you think?
1:54 AM
I hope it would be hard for your husband too. Emphasize the fact that you are pregnant and need to put the baby first not him and hopefully that will make him feel guilty. Sometimes cultural duties are better to get across than Islamic ones and i'm sure you know that Arabic men are supposed to look after their pregnant wives. he may be trying to fool himself into thinking that you are strong enough to do it by yourself and therefore drop his responsibilty but deep down he probably feels guilty...you just need this to turn into action.
i just thought that the Sheikh could suggest what you could do next, if your husband doesn't call, maybe he could call him himself? i don't know how involved they will get, i've never tried speaking to one myself.
2:16 AM
He has fooled himself into thinking that I am the "patient" wife who can handle anything....truth be told...I'm breaking apart at the seams with it all. I wonder if he can be goaded into action?
Yes, maybe the Sheikh could suggest to me MY options....now that I know what his are....should hubby chose not to pursue any options...that leaves it up to me to pursue my own. The sheikh is in Egypt....won't be calling Canada...nope. I'll think on it all.
3:42 AM
safa (deep sigh). u have more power than u give yourself credit for. u have been living as a single parent all this time. raising the kids on your own. 3 eids without hubby. dont u see what i see girl
take a long hard look. u guys are doing just fine on your own. dont get me wrong here...im not enticing u to divorce him. all im saying is that u are living without him n u have been for so long.
yes the kids need a dad and he needs to be part of thier life but hes not doing that at the moment. he cant even commit to coming back to live in egypt full time.
safa u need to be strategic here and use all that u have. all your time and energy in ensuring that u get waht u want. but the first step is to know what u want. do u want to go n live in Canada? do u want hubby to move back to Egypt? do u want a divorce? do un want him to divorce MM? these are things only u know the answers to
each nite u going to bed lonely, sad n u have to deal with the demands of kids. last thing u need it this kind of instability.
safa its time u take charge n make a firm decision n stick to it. only u know what u can out up with and what u cant.
Patience doesnt mean allowing people to walk all over u and take advantage of u...........nope.....sometimes one has to stnad up for themselves
5:58 AM
Yes, find out what YOUR options are as obviously you can not strong arm him or anyone else into following through with their options.
Why not move into your villa? Order the work done and move in.
11:14 AM
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