I realize what a difficult situation the kids are in, going back and forth to their father. I sometimes bite my tongue when they come home and sometimes, I just don't..... One thing I've been really curious about is how MM interacts with the younger children. So here and there, I've poked questions..... Seems that my 6 yr old ABSOLUTELY refused to let MM bathe her and when her father said fine that he'll wash her up, the 6 yr old stood her ground strong and would only let her sister wash her. MM doesn't change diapers for my son.... Hmmmm....what else? Well nothing.....because I got a comment from my 15 yr old saying..."I'm so tired of questions from both of you..."
Ahhh yes....wake up call. So I try to sit quietly and just never mind knowing anything....or rather....poking to find out things.
So 2 weekends ago....or is it three now? Well, the 15 yr old comes home....(holder of the ipod touch)....and starts having a talk with me at 12 midnight. It's all about the support papers. It seems her Father is furious and told her he has no more money. In Egypt he took out a bank loan and used the 2007 Landcruiser and the villa as collateral. Then he reneged on the loan. Those two items are easily 1 million and a half Egyptian dollars. I wonder why he'd take out such a loan? (if it is true)... We talked about why I'm asking support and explaining what exactly it is....and funny thing is. The 15 yr old thinks I'm wrong in asking for it. And as much as I try to explain to her about responsibility, she's not getting it. Then suddenly she asks me...."Mama can u please stop the paperwork?"
I'm shocked. and I explain to her..."Honey, this is bigger than you." We finish our conversation and I go to bed, heavy mind and heavy heart. My daughter doesn't need to be in this position between us and when she was talking to me, I repeatedly told her...you don't need to know or you don't need to have details. My heart hurts for her.....wondering what she's been told by her father.
And then just last weekend, when the ex came to pick up all the kids....one by one, they went out to say they weren't coming. First I went out....and told him that the 2 little ones were staying with me, we had a bday party to go to. The ex says to me, next time let the kids call me and tell me....and I answer back....next time call ME and ask who is coming. Then the 12 yr old goes out and says she isn't going....(he told her that he'll take her out for chinese food the week before because of her stitches....never did call)....and then a funny thing happens.....the 15 yr old doesn't want to go out. I'm confused....what? She tells me to go and tell him she's in the shower....I refuse.
Now the oldest comes back inside and says she's going.....she's the only one. Life is so strange sometimes. She spends two days there.....the first day she ends up sleeping at someone elses house.
And then she comes home......sigh. She's not in a good place right now. We had an argument and she brought up things that are like a flashing sign saying..."BABA TOLD ME THIS"....and now we aren't talking. My first instinct is to tough love this situation. But my heart of hearts just wants to grab her close and make things all go away...... Oh what to do?
I'm so ready for the ex to leave.........I think we all are.
posted by Safa at 6:05 AM
7 Comments:
My heart hurts for the kids - they are being placed in a very bad place - mainly by their father - as you say it is not their concern about the support - and he is a real piece of work to be using this - bottom line he has a social, moral and legal responsibility to support the kids - if he cannot afford it he should not have remarried because all his money should go to his first responsiblity - which is his children - he is using this as a divisive tool - you need to stand firm and reiterate that it is not any of their concern - and their father should not be disucssing this with them - this is between the legal system and their father. I do not believe that he put up the range rover and the villa for collateral and then reneged - shame there is no one in Egypt that you could have look into this - just for your own satisfaction. Unfortunately your desire to have him leave will not be realized - I truly feel that he will be there for as long as he can to cause problems - if the support is pursued he may turn tail and run - but only then. He truly is bad news for the kids - makes me so angry when parents involve their children in disputes that are of no concern of theirs. Yes, your oldest is in a tight corner right now - but have faith that her strong will and her grounding will work to your advantage - may take awhile - but do not lose faith.
10:22 AM
Keep persuing for child support no matter what.
Its understandable frustrating for the kids because they probably feel like ping pong balls and their dad makes it worse.
Things will Inshallah get better ,right now everyones emotions are running high so tension will be thick.
Hugs to u !
10:01 AM
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10:01 AM
Oh Safa my heart aches for you and the kids. I have been in a similar situation and I know how it sucks when u see an irresponsible parent having an effect on ur kids...it hurts and it angers, and often we dont know how much to say...it is all very confusing. I too think hubbex is lying--I dont for a minute believe he would ruin his life in Egypt. He's wayyyyyy too selfish to do that. I dont think he's ever taken care of anyone the way he takes care of himself--he's not abt to destroy his own life for anyone or anything.
I BEG you NOT to stop the support papers. This is just a man who wants to preach what he doesnt practice--and have his cake and eat it too. Like I said...what a loser! What a poor excuse ofr a man, a Muslim, a father and a HUMAN being--he just reeks. The best thing you could get out of him would be if he just did turn tail and run--which I expect he will do--and I hope even then you pursure this so that if he ever comes back to Canada, they put him in jail. What a hypocrite he is...do as I say, not as I do. If he only realized how bad he looks. What lessons he is teaching his kids.
I also think you need to try some real tough love with the kids. Kids need guidance from a confident parent. They need to feel someone has it all under control. I would tell them the absolute truth in details abt why you made/make the decisions you did/do, and explain to them when they are your age--or go through what you have, they will understand your decisions. I just hate the way hubbex divides this family and causes such strife. He had ample time to step up and be a good husband and father...he chose not to do so. He has to pay for his decisions, reap what he has sown. I cant stand how he always comes off like the poor, misunderstood victim in all this. I better stop here before I say something really bad.
11:31 PM
Well, it seems he just isn't going to quit! Stick to your standards, though, and keep after him to do the responsible thing. That would be emotional and financial support but he's not capable of the emotional part, so he sure as heck can manage the financial aspect! What a turd pulling the kids in this way!
1:00 AM
Salamu `alaykum,
ARRGH I had written a post and then IE restarted!
GRRR so basically what I was saying is...
a. I was wondering if it'd help to explain to your daughter how the support system works and that it's not there to get parents to go bankrupt but to make sure that they comply with their obligations. So if a parent really has no money whatsoever, then it's not like the court will ask him for that which he doesn't have but if he has assets.. then he needs to be behave like an adult and support his children! Also... as much as I don't like many things your husband has done, I don't wish hell to anyone. I think he might not realize what a severe sin he's engaging in by not supporting his children but you will be making him a HUGE favor if he is forced to pay something, and I think your children should realize that. I'm serious, I really fear for his afterlife :(
b. You might want to go to one of the Family Law information centers (FLIC) to see if anything can be done regarding visitation. I think that the relationship that your husband is establishing with the children is proving to be quite harmful. I know there are many times where courts give injunctions where parents are not allowed to make bad comments about the other parents, which could help. Also, it would be amazing if there was a way of getting some supervised visits so a social worker might be able to help "fix" the relationship between your children and their father and make it a healthier one. This could really have some good long-lasting consequences :)
All the best,
Caminante
5:41 AM
I absolutely will not be stopping the support paperwork....and yes, like Caminante said....if he has no money, he won't be responsible to pay. And btw....he wouldn't be the first man who tries to hide income.
The FLIC is an idea.....
And I think he's lying too, Maureen....he has never taken out a bank loan in his life.....why would he start now? And then reneg?
So the oldest has come around....we had quite the talk ....
6:15 AM
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