winding down.....
Things have moved a step....... I sat my mother down and had a talk with her. (I talk with her so much.....honestly, this is a disobedient 6th child...)
She has two choices.
choice A - she must move before March 1st.
choice B - she can have the basement of the house that I am presently renting. She will pay me an amount monthly to have the basement. She will no longer be buying the groceries......after the kids finish school in June.....I'm looking for somewhere else to live....alone.
Which choice do you think she took? Yes, B.
I have no idea why she had such an outburst. All I can think is that she ran out of supply. I realized that I am not a fighter. It takes summoning of massive effort to try and fight with her. And even then, I'm not good at it. I'm a talker. The voice of Reason.
BUT.
yes, BUT......I fought with her today. She yelled at me....and I lost my forever cool. Suddenly I felt repressed by never having my say with the ex...and here she was....yelling, yelling.....and I said my piece. I said it strongly and fiercely and with conviction. She had no choice but to listen. She didn't like a word I said.......and that's too bad. I said what had to be done. And now.....she seems humbled.
Makes me wonder about the tyrant.........so the tyrant likes to give it out, but can't take it? My mind was wandering today.....I was thinking about a comment left to one of my fellow bloggers and she was advised to throw plates. To get that anger out some way......and that comment has stayed with me for a long time. Ohhhh, I know, the comment wasn't for me......but in many ways.....it spoke to me.
So I've come to a solution that is going to work. We will be doing the change about this weekend.....so it's good. Or it has promise......and at this moment...promise looks good!
posted by Safa at 7:41 PM
11 Comments:
Safa - I am so glad that the 'angry' Safa finally had her say. It is wonderful to be reasonable - but there are times when anger needs to be spoken - or else Allah/God would not have given us this emotion. Your observation about the disobedient sixth child is very astute. But she is not a child she is an adult and needs to be held accountable for her choices. You truly need to protect your children from her outbursts and from the illegality of drugs in the home. And as so often is the case with tyrants they like to dish but are unable to receive. They are so 'shocked' that anyone would have the temerity to call them on their behaviour and actions. Keep up the 'good' work - there is nothing wrong with justified anger - and if you do not ever vent it I fear it will spill out when it is truly not justified.
10:51 PM
Ditto on what egianqueen said. Couldn't have said it better myself. I think you gave her 2 good reasonable choices.
Keep breathing...and stay strong.
Love ya!
11:26 AM
very well said egianqueen. i can only imagine how painful it is to confront your mother about these things, but remember that you are doing it for yourself and your children. they can't see you apply a double standard to her unreasonable and illegal behaviour. stay strong!
hugs!!!
5:15 PM
I also agree with egianqueen! That anger's gotta go somewhere, it will make you sick to keep on keeping it inside. Apparently the rare time you let it go it got her attention. Good. Hang in there, stay strong, stick to your guns!
7:40 PM
Safa I read your last post and before I could comment I lost the net. You know Egypt!!! Just got it back today and now saw this new post. I wanted to tell you--although you probably already figured it out--dont EVER take medicine from anyone elses' hand--NO ONES! Mistakes can easily be made, and worse, deliberate sabotage can happen as well. I'm not accusing anyone--this is just a general warning. I tried to be a voice of reason to your Mom's pot addiction but your last post puts a whole different spin on things. Your Mom seems dangerous and unstable. You need to protect your kids--and yourself. If your Mom is going to live in the basement-even and hopefully temporarily--you need STRONG locks and more than one to make sure she can NEVER get into your place. Even if you are not there, there are things she can do in your absence that can harm you or the kids later. And dont ever leave her alone with the kids. Please, please be careful. It seems you are dealing with very dangerous circumstances now and you need to do whatever you can to protect yourself.
You have a lot to consider...on the subject of dealing with toxic mothers I could write an encyclopedia. Dont count on anything EVER changing with your Mom. It may--if she got help and changed herself a LOT--but dont ever count on it. Your Mom is also breaking the law with the pot and her mental instability may become more and more visible so you could actually lose your kids if your living arrangements were made known to the authorities. People you trust and know you by name and where you live could make problems for you with child services. If it was me, I would either get my Mom into some kind of rehab or mental health clinic OR get yourself away from her pronto. You are living in the west. Things like this are not easily swept under the rug if anyone chooses to make a case against you. It could even be fuel for your husband to use should he ever attempt to get your kids. And like I said...anyone who knows who you are and where you live--anyone with an evil heart--could now make serious problems for you. You need to put as much distance between you and your mother as possible, AND show you have made an effort to get your Mom help. You're not in Egypt anymore.
While your Mom is young enough and healthy enough, try to help her establish her own life away from you. And if one day she ever needs you, think once, twice, three times about how much help you give her and how much change it means for you in YOUR life and the lives of your kids. Your Mom--like mine--is an adult who made clear choices about what is important to her. These choices were made long ago. They werent made with you or your welfare in mind. Be very aware of how difficult--dare I say horrible--dealing with a toxic parent can be? Dont change your life or your kids lives for someone who didnt have your best interests at heart. I say this after suffering deeply for years, trying to believe my mother was truly a "mother", when in fact nothing has changed. I suffer on a daily basis from her selfishness, nastiness, and now her total dependence on me which at the same time is the insistence that every thing be done to please and satisfy her. Ahhhh..if i could only go back and do things differently. So what I am trying to say is, plz do not allow your life or your kids lives to be affected by your mother who now has to deal with HER OWN, BAD lifestyle choices. You cant undo her past. You will never change her. Only she can do that. And from my perspective--in my own situation--there was no iron-clad guarantee, no proof, not even a hint, that when I set out "to do the right thing" by my own mother, that I was going to be able to make things better for us as a family. Sometimes, it's just better, based on the past, to know when it's better to walk away. Or at least make arrangements for her care elsewhere. I wish I had.
Please take care of yourself and your children in every way you can. Sorry to take up so much space here...and sorry if I am not being very clear--my mind gets all muddled when I even think of situations like this--and possible solutions--because of what I have been through. If you ever need to talk, shoot me an email..ok? Love ya!
11:19 PM
Of course it was for you sweetheart, it was for anyone with bottled up anger. So happy you are starting to face your righteous feelings head on.
Parents are but human beings and at a certain age, change is not gonna happen, and we will have to accept them the way they are and choose our dealings with them accordingly.
Your mothers move implies to me that she feels put in a subordinate situation, you are the Madre de famiglia, whilst in age she should hold this position, but clearly, due to her personal choices, and the fact that she is not the mother of your children, she can`t be. She is simply not fit and I wish for her to find peace in being part of a large and complex family unit.
Wouldnt it be lovely for us all to have mothers who just made the right motherly choices and did not impose their personalities on us? Ahhhh! Grow we did though, to adults, and some must face more of their parents personalities outside of their parental role then others.
I can only hope with time and your voice of reason, do not underestimate it, she will find her place, in the basement, or elsewhere if that is not suitable to her personal desires.
Humble love and hugs from Norway!
3:26 AM
Major hugs to you, Safa.
4:54 AM
I'm so sorry this is happening. . .it is really difficult to fight with a mother, and difficult to deal with addiction too. . .all combined it is just too much weight.
2:44 PM
Safa, how did it go with the change about? Are things improving?
7:57 PM
Funny, I remember the plates comment also. I remember who said it, but to whom was it said?
6:44 PM
To my best of recollection, it was said on your blog Orau.
4:11 AM
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