It's with a deep sadness.....

.....that I watch my mother get into the van.

Her secrets have unfolded slowly in front of me....and this is just breaks my heart. It tears at me, and rips at me. And I stand speechless to do anything.

This last month has been horrible. H O R R I B LE. At times we didn't have milk, no bread, nothing for sandwiches. In desperation, I made the baby juice from jello. Mom has no money.

The deal between us is that I pay all the bills....and she buys the grocery...puts gas in the van, pays the insurance. Just the day before, I sat in the van, about to get the kids from Cadets.....looking at the bright E shining at me. I pray that I'll make it to Cadets and back.

And then today, the revelation. My mother is an addict.

She yelled to me before she went to work, to get the ownership out of the van. It has to be paid this month, and she didn't do it. She told me she did...but now after questioning...(and not noticing the sticker)....she tells me she didn't. As I'm getting the ownership, I see a package of mints in a steel tin. I decide to sneak one....and when I open it and look inside....it's not mints.

It's not mints....*shaking my head.
My mother is an addict.

Now the frequent drives alone start to make sense. Now the regular Thursday night appt that takes her about 2 hours to visit her nameless friend make sense. And silly me, I thought it was possibly a lover.

But no....it's not mints.....

This past month, money was so tight....wait a sec...who am I kidding? What money? I spent $250 dollars that should have gone to the cable/phone/internet bill towards groceries because Mom had no money. The phone company called today......I'm on a short leash. They may suspend our service. I already owed them from the bill before.....because Mom just wasnt doing it......

And I thought......but no.....it's not mints......
My mother is an addict.

I feel sick. Confused. My stomach is hurting me. I didn't sign up for this....and yet....I'm the only one who can step up to this. Oh what do I do? *looking up to Allah.... What do I do? I'm thankful Allah...ya Allah, I'm thankful....it could be worse.....but why am I so sad? This is like a sucker punch....maybe because I've seen the kids looking in our empty fridge.... I'm even ashamed to say that I sent them to school one day with no lunch. I called this one family I know and asked the woman if she could make the 11 yr old a sandwich with her daughter. Tomorrow, I'll go and sign for the 11 yr old to come home for lunch. To hide my the fact that sometimes we have no bread.....at least this way, I can give her canned soup....

And still I'm thinking.....it wasn't mints.....

It feels strange at this moment. I'm hiding things from the kids....telling them that my cheque is late....telling them that I'm having a small problem with the government. Trying to calm them....trying not to stress them. Lie still, my children.... The 14 yr old ripped her backpack a few days ago....she doesn't want to tell me. I saw her sneaking out of the house with her school books in one of those 99 cent grocery bags. I pretended not to see.....and perhaps she pretended not to understand why there were tears in my eyes. I know she doesn't want to worry me.....

And this rage builds up inside of me. This anger that sometimes festers somewhere that no one can touch.... THE EX IS A MILLIONAIRE. (Egypt is a non-reciprocating country!!) And it's been 9 mos now since he's seen his children. He hasn't even called to hear their voices. I've tried calling the inlaws asking them to help us with money. I've talked to the BIL who is in Canada.....and all I hear is sympathy for the man who lost his children. After all, blood is blood.

and when I looked into the tin....I didn't see mints.
My mother is an addict. *saying it softly now

.....I watched her get into the van. She's going to visit her friend. It's Thursday night, she's right on schedule. She got her cheque just this morning. We have no milk. But of course, with an addict....they only see THEIR priorities.

I close my eyes and go back to that moment I looked inside the steel tin. Thinking about minty fresh breath and possibilities.....and only finding joints. Dope. Marijuana. Suddenly the mood swings are explained, the midnight munchies are explained.......and even......our empty fridge is explained......ya Allah! I didn't see mints........and now....*tears flowing.......and now....

It's with a deep sadness........