Hold the ketchup, pass the BS.......
Just thought I'd give you all a chance to have a little chuckle with me. Yesterday my hubby called. He talked to all the kids....and ended up talking with the 14 yr old a second time. She was all prepared, that if he should ask for me...that I would talk to him "later". He never asked for me. But he did have a little surprise in store.....He told her that he wants to tell her a secret......
He said that he's trying very hard to get a ticket to come to Egypt right now.....and that it's very difficult.....that with it being the Xmas season and all, that tickets are scarce. He's hoping to be able to come before Eid and spend some time with us. When she asked him how long he'd be coming for...he said...I dont know....3, 4, 5 or maybe 6 weeks. Then he went on to tell her that he didn't want me to know anything about it....and that when things get confirmed that he'll tell her and she can tell her sisters, but they can't tell me, cuz he wants it to be a surprise.
OH YEAH!
So I put the KEY WORDS in italics.....what does that equal to you? BS, I say. He knows, just as well as most of you prolly do, that my 14 yr old is quite close to me....and she finished with him and walked straight over to me and told me what he said word for word. He knows she's going to do that. I'm neither happy about the possibility of him coming, or excited....or even believing it.
I wonder if I'm supposed to be happy for 3 weeks of being with him when he owes me 6 mos? Am i supposed to be fainting with my thankfulness? Am I supposed to pray two rakahs?
I find that I couldn't care less....although I cried a bit, after she told me.....well...a while after when I was alone. But I cried because I found that I wasn't pleased with this news. I cried cuz 3 weeks doesn't cut it, when YOU WANT UR TIME! It's just too damn litte....too damn late.
If this visit does come about.....it looks like it will be very much like the last time he was in Egypt....we fought all the time, and I couldn't stand being around him, having him touch me...having to look at him.....I did my duty. That's exactly how I feel at this moment. I will not go visit his family with him, and the FIRST time we go out together in the car...if MM calls....that's it....I won't go out with him again......I don't need the CONSTANT REMINDER. If he has no control over anything...then...BY ALLAH.....I will.
(changed the title, and the bad word....I'm mad...tired and angry.....and would rather not say things like that......)
posted by Safa at 10:21 PM
15 Comments:
safa i see that the pain runs very deep. i think evebn if hubby were to give u a year or the rest of his life..this wound is one that will never heal. u seem very bitter now. this whole marriage seems so toxic to me. u haivng a baby by this man n u say u love him. yet when u talk of him its only with harsh words n no love at all. safa are u up to staying married to this man. have u not perhaps moved on n forgotten to tell him. from where im sitting i see little or no prospect of any happy marriage, unless he does something that wins u over. Safa u have fallen out of love with ur hubby. im worried about all this.
11:50 PM
Mind games!! Thanks for asking about my on my blog, been kinda busy but posted today. :)
12:41 AM
I wouldn`t worry so much if Safa has fallen out of love with her sorry exuse for a husband. He has not been for 6 years, who knows when or if he will be a proper husband and father again. Up to Safa how much "sabr" she chooses to put herself and her kids through waiting for a man to change. I think men usually change around the time when there is a blue moon.
I am more worried about you Queenie and the fact that you are hanging around two very trifling men. I think you claim to be in love with both of them I think, despite the fact that the one has abused you physically and mentally through many years and the other couldn`t bother about you enough to even give you a call to acknowledge that you exist and have a date with him that he has to break. Yet another worry is your desperate need for a vacation and the possible dangers you are putting yourself through in order to get a couple of weeks away from the men hanging around in your life. Why anyone would love someone who has wronged them so much puzzles me, and two of them, but women who end up in abusive relationships many times have a chain of them. Sorry to bring this up in Safa`s thread, but it just occured to me and I can`t seem to keep my trap shut, or my keyboard still as in this case. Ah, Safa, yes, it is rather disturbing to see that a woman in todays age thinks she has a "duty" to sleep with a man she doesn`t want to touch her. In my world that only happens when I watch an english costume-drama and there is a scene where a woman in a dress drably couloured with a neck that goes up to the chin with frills advices her daughter on her duty to her husband on her wedding day. Not my favorite type of movie, but once in a while there is nothing else on. What I do like though is Jerry Springer and the little blander Ricky Lake. Used to get them here before, but Springer just ran a couple of season many years ago and Ricky has been gone for a couple of years. Maybe thats why I read ya alls blogs. It`s a blend of a victorian drama where the woman is locked in a loveless marriage but have no other choice and puts up with the mistresses and the duty and for lack of happy feelings she initially had at the start of her marriage finds misery better then no feelings and a juicy episode of Springer with some baby-mamas, some hoochie-mamas and some guys looking aloof with the unsurpressable grin and the jiggy-leg going up and down inbetween the women who fight over and with them. I guess I should say thanks for the show....
5:15 PM
kafira im speechless. i have one question for u though? have u ever been in love or married? its not easy to just fall out of love with someone. ur mind tells u one thing, but ur emotions are something else. yes i agree that its nto the wisest thing that i have considered, i.e going to new york to meet a total stranger, but regarding my hubby n hes treatment of me, the only people who will really understand what its like are people who are in that situation or people who have been there. i love my hubby very much n i wnat my marriage to work. i dont wanna lose him. yes i know im all over the place and yes i know ive done some pretty dumb stuff that im not proud of but the bottm line is that i love my hubby . n i want to remain married to him. thats my wish.
his treatment of me isnt something to be proud of, that i know and i dont deny. but its not reason enough for me to walk away
11:11 PM
I've not been "in love" with my hubby for a long time...when I was in Canada, I told him that. I even gave him a letter about it. And at this exact moment? I still don't "love" him that way. I don't think the marriage will ever be the way it was.....but I have very different ideas on what I want for my life....for my kids......
Queenie....your last sentence on ur 2nd comment opens up an WHOLE can of worms......
12:12 AM
Safa I understand your frustration with him. It's too little too late.
I do hope that he does come to Egypt and that you will have a peaceful time with him and your children. You certainly don't need any stress or fighting right now. Hopefully he will come with some answers and a real plan to break away from this situation he has gotten himself in and try to rebuild what you have had in the past. I don't think that is hopeless at this point. But he will have to really work at it and if he really wants it he will put forth the effort.
I know he originally went to Canada because of his business there. Maybe we should ask Allah to provide for him a profitable business in Egypt?
3:31 AM
safa didnt mean to do that hey. but im saying whats on my mind.
safa if your hubby were to come to egypt now to stay n he was to break ties with MM do u think that u will be content. do u think in time u will grow to love him again. is the damage irrepairable. or do u think with time u will grow to love him even more than u once did. can this marriage be saved and can something thats even better than before come out of all this. what do u really want safa......u want your haqq..i know...but what does that mean in real terms.
4:23 AM
Magnoona.....first thing....u hit the publish button about 11 times....LOL....second of all......he will have to work at the relationship....and I will as well....I dont think it's hopeless....but it's going to take time.....
Queenie....you are quite busy with the questions!! LOL...but I don't mind....lets see...he breaks ties with MM...will I be content? I will start to be.....in time I would grow to love him again...damage is not irrepairable where love is concerned....but trust is a very different matter......I doubt I'd ever love him more than I have.....we are too damaged for that.....yes the marriage can be saved......something better than before? I doubt.....I'd settle for as good as before.
In real terms....I need him to come home to Egypt...finish up with Canada and MM and whatever BS surrounds it all.....we rebuild our life together and work hard at getting over this. MM cannot be in the picture....so sorry to say that....but I won't stand for it.....I have this issue about being put in a bad situation and for others to expect me to be better than it. I have too much surrounding the whole MM issue to live with her peacefully as a part of my life. It would be too much raw reminder, u know?
Any man who goes about polygyny in a secretive, deceitful manner must realize that he is HURTING his foundation of marriage. It's based on love, respect and honesty. Going about doing something that Allah has decreed halal in this manner does not stand on any of those three. One of the most common excuses I've heard is that.....
*I couldnt' tell you cause I didn't want to hurt you.
*I wanted to tell you in person.
*I didnt want you to ever know.
And prolly tons more, floating around out there. If your Eman is strong....you leave matters to Allah WHILE doing the right thing. I don't go for any of the excuses I mentioned....it's weakness of character and plain cowardice from the person who tries to justify things like that.
6:35 AM
OK--I am going to bite. Blurker here from NYC.
Queenie, with all due respect, but I would ask you to really think about your definition of love. Simply put, it is a WHOLE lot more than a feeling of desperate need and want. Nor is an addiction to attention from a particular person.
Said differently, I would ask you (rhetorically) just what IS it that you love about this man? His kindness? His maturity? His wisdom? His character?
Or is it simply that he conned you (and perhaps himself) into believing that he loved you.
Which leads me to my next list of (rhetorical--in that you don't owe me or anyone else any answers, I am just respectfully asking you to think about them) of questions. Why do you think he wanted you (or believed he loved you? Do you feel like he really knows you, as in he really "gets" what makes you tick? And not just in bed, though his ability to really attend to your feelings and needs there can be a good indicator of how in tune he is with you in other respects? Does he respect you? Does he even "see" you?
I would also ask you to think about your values? Moral, religious, philosophical? What kind of person do you want to be, and is that possible with him?
In other words, do you know the difference between genuine love and a fascimile of love?
None of us are dealt with an ideal hand in life. However that does not mean that we should not strive to be the best of who we really are. The problem with "loving" men who are not willing to strive to be their best is that they drag the women who love them down right along with them. And in my book, that is not genuine love. And it is such a terrible waste.
8:12 AM
Queenie said:
"his treatment of me isnt something to be proud of, that i know and i dont deny. but its not reason enough for me to walk away"
I don't know your whole story, queenie, but I think any time a woman is in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship (or her children are) that should be reason enough for her to walk away, and if she can't walk away, then seeking some sort of emotional support would be a first step (therapy, family, etc.)
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I sorta agree w/ Kafira on this. The drama surrounding the husband that secretly takes another wife (or does it clearly against the wishes of his wife) is like a halal version of Jerry Springer.
9:13 AM
salamu alaykum,
men are smarter then we give them credit for. He must have known you were going to try and avoid him so he didn't ask to speak to you thereby irritating you as you didn't get a chance to stick it to him. Just be up front with each other and it will go a long way towards healing. And well the excuse of scarce tickets cause of Xmas...I don't know about that. I'd be surprised if things were indeed sold out as Egypt is a muslim country.
4:39 PM
Assalamu Aleikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuhu,
Despite all the questions raised about Safa's marriage and why she is still in it, there is still the practical matter of having 4 (insha'Allah 5 soon) kids and relying on his financial support for the last oh, 15 years.
Love is cool if you have it but the reality of life is that she still has to take into account the logistics of her situation without her husband.
Also, it must be extremely hard to give your virginity, your youth, your time, your patience, part of your children, and a good chunk of your life to someone who will turn around and ignore you.
Although he can go have a "new" relationship, the truth is mothers all over the world take their children and their children's best wishes and concerns with them.
Alhamdullilah, Allah(SWT) said that "Paradise is at the mother's feet". He also said that our mother's deserve our companionship before our father's do. There must be reasons for this.
It must not be an easy thing to start again after you spent 15 years building it.
6:06 PM
U know relief....he knows I'm gonna stick it to him.....and honestly....it doesn't bother me that he doesn't ask for me.....I really, really, don't want to talk to him....I'm not bluffing.....I've been feeling better without that pressure. So, Alhamdulillah. And you know, he's been talking to the children more, too. As for the scarce tickets for Xmas....it could be the first flight that is the problem...Toronto to NY....and don't forget...that it's right around mid term in Canada right now, as well as being just two weeks before Eid.....but he called again yesterday....talked to the oldest...he's definately working on tickets...time to start cleaning up and organizing, I think.
Musulmana....boy...I don't know what to say....u picked my brain...
6:27 AM
airline tickets are scarce but not because of christmas it is haji time, the eid and haunaka my parents reserved their ticket to come to jordan three months ago, and the price are the same as summer prices so there is some truth to it
6:28 AM
tickets were horribly expensive for our trip to morocco... middle of winter shouldn't cost over $1000 a piece from the states. Eid price-jacking.
5:43 AM
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