Just thinking........

You know, when I was in Canada, I talked to Hubby alot, and even let him talk a lot. I sat quietly and listened when he talked, wanting him to feel more comfortable and open with me. I was determined not to make him defensive. There are a few things that are going over in my mind today. I could have stopped him a couple of times, but for the sake of communication, I let it go. But unfortunately, I wasn't able to erase it.....it's still there inside my gut, moving around. I'm gonna share two of them......

*When I got him talking about his marriage to Crystal, I asked him if anyone knew about it. And he was like, of course. It's a marriage and it had to be public. That's a part of our deen.

I was thinking how stupid a phrase that was to say to me. "It's a part of our deen" ????? Oh. I see. So here you are, publicly married to all who know you, to a christian woman with three kids....running around with her......and at the same time, keeping it a secret from ur wife. WHY? Because you can, that's why. I'm sitting all the way over in Egypt, how the hell will I find out? Aren't you just playing me the fool.

*Before I left, I cleaned his apt spotless. I left a new set of sheets on the bed, that I had brought with me. (He had really old sheets on the bed when I came) I also put on a new duvet cover and pillow shams. So I was asking him where he is going now? "Are you going to go move back in with MM or is she coming back to you?" He said neither. "I may just drop over once in a while, or maybe she'll drop over to me. But sometimes I am busy and tired and just can't put up with her." Ummmm, okay. What sorta marriage is that? So here's the part.....he says, "now you can't count the time that I am with her the same. I may not be with her every night. So whatever nights I owe you is between me and Allah."

Okay. When he said that, I told him that sometimes its the duty of the wife to gently remind her husband that he owes her time. That a brother who deals solely with Allah, may tend to stray, forgetting that Allah is everywhere. And that normally with polygyny in the SAME country, the wife would know very well. I would fear that the ability to conceal time, may work against the brother, in the akhira, of course. So I want to ask about this.

If a man has two wives in two countries, but doesnt' live with the 2nd wife, how does the first wife know how much time he is spending with the 2nd? And on top of that, wouldn't the second wife get extremely jealous when she knows the hubby is going to see his first wife, and will be living with her full time? I'm wondering if I should be asking him monthly how much time he owes me? But isn't that sickening? I mean, it's almost like getting his sex schedule, u know? Sheesh.

Okay....that was the two things I was thinking about. Now I wanna share something with you. MM got pregnant a couple of months ago. No really. Hubby asked me this question about if you have an abortion before 90 days is it allowed. Of course you know I hit the ceiling. So after listening, and letting hubby talk.....a couple of days worth actually. I found the spot I wanted and jumped in. He was his usual vague self, of course. But in the end, I got him....and he said that she was pregnant a couple of months ago and he made her take pills to lose the baby. I was surprised, and asked him what sorta pills? Like the morning after pills? To which he got mad and said, "I told you, okay? Don't ask for more details!!"

I'll never get truths outta him. And everytime I ask him for confirmation, he says, AGAIN? BACK TO THE BEGINNING?

I can feel the frustration welling up in my chest.....it hurts. But you know what peoples?? It doesn't hurt me like it once used to. Where I would just wanna lie down and forget everything. It just hurts in a way that makes me wanna be mean, or stomp around the house.

I am going to focus more on me. This Ramadan, I am going to immerse myself in my deen. And I am going to lower my expectations, yet again concerning my husband. I don't think it can get any lower. But things are going to change, insha ALLAH. Not how you all think.....nope, these changes are made inside of me. I'd rather hurt myself, than hurt everyone around me.

Have I told all you cyber friends that I love you lately? You are all a breath of fresh air. Thanks for sticking by me. ALhamdulillah. I don't know where I'd be now without you all. Writing is definately therapeutic.