little goals.......big dreams
Somehow when you get caught up in life, you tend to forget your purpose. You become so consumed with the day to day survival, that you neglect those little things that make you who you are. A kind word, a smile, a favour......just living.
I've been thinking about living today. I want to get on with my life. I am thinking about making some little goals to get myself back on track to my big dreams. It seems like when I put too much on my plate, I overwhelm myself and accomplish nothing. I've been depressed and spinning in this cycle long enough. So now I am starting little goals. You see? I want to get better, I want to live.....I'm trying. I really am.
I am also thinking of leaving Egypt. I'm thinking that next month I will just up and leave with the kids. Not say anything to anyone. Not even my husband....... Just get on with my life. I cannot accept him with this woman. And that's it....our life is changed. As much as he used to tell me that everything was the same....it's not. He's been married twice in secret.......that sure as heck changes things. There he is in MY COUNTRY, where Polygamy isn't allowed, and yet...he freely practices it with his phony little marriages made in ways to be hidden from the gov't. Oh, it's hard on us.
If he was ever to come back to Egypt and bring this woman.....I could never respect her or even acknowledge her existence. She went after my husband....she asked HIM to marry HER. Even if it was him who made the decision......I would still hate her as well. Astaghfirullah. So I'm thinking of going back to Canada. It's a very scary step........and I'm worried.......but I think that I really can't exist in this blank period.....waiting in Egypt for him.....knowing he's with someone else......and everyday changing towards me and the girls. He doesn't comfort me on the phone........doesn't even say I love you anymore.........hangs up on me......... What else am I waiting for? Tomorrow I go get the passports from the canadian embassy........I'll be checking out ticket prices while I'm there..........
posted by Safa at 7:37 AM
5 Comments:
Aww habibti I am so sorry I feel so bad for you and I want to give you a hug and maybe some tea. Insha'Allah things will get better.
3:43 PM
Sister Safa, please think about what you do thoroughly. If you do leave Egypt, I believe your husband has a right to know before hand. Afterall, he has certain responsibilties over his family's safety. Don't make any irrational or sudden decisions like appearing at his doorstep without notice. This will only infuriate him even further. You don't want that. You just want him to know that as a wife and mother you need his support. Both of you agreed to raising the kids in Egypt. Both of you made this sacrifice. However, it doesn't seem like it's working very well because he also needs the comfort from a loving wife, which is probably why he decided to take another wife. So, ask him how he would feel if you said you wanted to move back to Canada with him. Tell him if a wife is what he needs then that's what you will be to him. Which is afterall, one of the reasons why you married him in the first place, not to raise your children in Egypt. I believe a child can still grow up with good islamic values even if you do live in a non-muslim country. I've lived in both and honestly, it really depends on who you hang around with and what kind of upbringing you decide on for your children. In the end, it's still up to Allah to either guide them or leave them astray.
By the way, I'm actually registered as a blogger, however I haven't made an entry as of yet. So that's why you can't open my blog. Sorry about that. If you want to write to me personally, feel free to write to me at granesky77@yahoo.com
Anyway, try to focus on some other activities. Praying and reading the Quran is of course good but try to at least be happy. Make something really nice for your kids. Some cookies or a cake, or just wrap some nice little gifts for them. They'll feel like you still love them and seeing them happy will make you happy. I'm sure they've noticed your depression lately. Talk to them and let them know that it's got nothing to do with them. Your children can be a comfort to you too. Take care sister.....try to be happy OK!:)
4:54 PM
I agree that going back to Canada is like announcing the end of the marriage......if I was going back without saying anything, I wasn't planning on showing up on HIS doorstep....I was thinking to go to my moms. I have spoken to my husband about my needs to have him around for 5 yrs, he is always putting it off.....and ever since the new wife/wives he's not any closer. Bottom line, he doesn't want us coming back to live, visit, or even breath. He just wants me to stay in Egypt and "pretend" everything is just fine.
6:19 AM
safa wow..this entry could have been as if yur writing it now...
11:19 PM
yes....sigh. Actually, there are many parts of my blog which still stay true to my feelings and hurt. It never really stops hurting.....it just sinks down from the surface. And at anytime I could go off again......
1:06 AM
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