every day is a different shade of gray......

Well, it's Friday. That makes it a week today if my husband doesn't call me. What can I say about that? It only adds to the pain. At least if he can't be my husband physically, I would expect him to try harder emotionally. Maybe a better man would do that.

I was thinking about second chances yesterday. But I know that my idea of them is next to impossible. My only way that I could ever "open" myself to him again would be if he leaves Canada, comes home...and without baggage. (u know what I mean.) Anything less and my door is closed. Should I choose to stay with him for the sake of the kids......I will turn myself off......be a shell of me. I cannot afford to lose myself again. I'm even thinking about giving her my turn. Then again.......I may just leave, too. It's so hard to digest that this man who I love, who works so hard for his family, who values the truth and prayer.......this man......is gone. You just don't make mistakes of this size....twice!! Unreal.

I just want to give up. Keep thinking that tomorrow, I'll pack up everything and we'll go back to Canada. And then the other half of me says......it'll be hard....just try and stick it out. And then this little tiny piece of me says.....Why am I fighting all this alone? Somebody help me!!!!

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to face the reality of it all. I need to make a decision. But you know what's the worst thing? I'm scared.