Morbid outlook......
Today is the 4th day that my husband hasn't called me. Why do I count it? Probably because I have this 'need' to believe that he still cares about me. I'm sure that somewhere inside him, he does. Even when he's telling people I'm dead........even when he's lying....
I'm suffering the shakes today......my blood is vibrating in my veins.......I just don't know where this will all go.
You know......I've been having this "year" ever since last summer when it all began. I've cried so many tears over this man. I've been thru hell, and I'm just this bright blubberhead who somehow thinks she's still gonna find that pot of gold. I know that I have the ability to forget everything and go on. I do. But it has to be with no strings. and that won't happen. For me to even think that it may is delusional. If he divorces this woman and comes back to Egypt....she'll still call him. Somehow, somewhere things will screw up.
Maybe it'll be when I see that faraway look in his eyes.....and I'll know that it isn't me he's thinking of.......
Maybe it'll be when he's telling me some reason why he has to stay late at work.......and I'll know that it's not my bed he's coming to.......
I'll just be waiting for the ax to fall. Thinking that there is no way that this phase in our life can just pass cut and dry. I have to come to terms with that. Can I live like that? Will it matter at that point? And on top of it all.......I know he will not divorce this woman and come back to egypt. Last time we talked......all he talked about was that he's thinking of changing locations for his business. He's not even thinking of coming home. What does he have to come home to anyways? A dead wife and 3 kids....the 4th one is adopted. That was his story. It's cruel. And it shows just how far he was willing to go to get this woman.....enough to deny me and his 4th child.
posted by Safa at 11:53 PM
4 Comments:
My heart goes out to you sister Safa. Perhaps a virtual hug may suffice? Perhaps not...oh well, just know that you're in my thoughts!:) Sister Safa....please take care of yourself, I know the Prozac helps but try not to stay on it too long, it can get addictive. With 4 kids to take care of, you don't need anymore drama in your life right now. Just a question, if it's not too personal, do you have any support here in Canada in the form of family or friends? It just seems awfully lonely to not have anyone around you that you can lean on for comfort, do you know what I mean?
I know I don't know you personally, but my suggestion to you right now is probably to see what happens in the next few months or so. Perhaps with you being in Egypt, your husband feels a sense of security knowing that he always has you to come home to one day if for some reason things don't work out over in Canada (with his other wife, business or whatever he feels is keeping him from coming home to Egypt). However, if things don't change, then you need to really think about where you want your life to be in the future and whether staying with him is going to get you there. After all it's your life and relationship with Allah that you need to think about first and foremost, then your kids. Love you sister, take care...!:)
Peace
9:15 AM
I have my mother and brother in Canada, and a really great network of friends who are religious and supportive. It's here in Egypt that I suffer. I have one american friend who has been very great with me. Nothing else. I know my husband feels a sense of security with me and the kids here in Egypt. He has given himself license to do whatever the heck he wants in our absence.
"if you feel no shame then do what you want."
I have promised myself to wait until my girls finish their exams.....and then I am going to look at where I am.....and where we are going. I think that I need a husband I can trust.......I am drowning in all these lies. And to be honest....I'm a little scared to go back to Canada.....I don't know what other horrors could be waiting for me.....
10:55 PM
Subhan Allah, I have been wondering about you and our other friend becuase I have not heard from either of you. I went to her blog and cried then I come to your blog and cry some more. I am soooo sorry about this situation. Insha'Allah, Allah will give you the strength to overcome this test and be a better muslim and mother.
5:25 AM
Good for you sister. Think long and hard. A husband is supposed to be a support and protector to his family as well as a comforter to you physically, emotionally, spiritually...etc. I am not encouraging divorce but if he isn't fulfilling these duties as a husband then what good is a husband to his wife and family? If ever you did go back to Canada, then you know that you'll always have someone to care for you, whether it's your family, friends or even the government, should anything bad happen between you and your husband. It's better that you face the truth than live obliviously in Egypt. But, like I mentioned before, I don't know you personally and your life history so what I'm saying is purely based on observation. Please don't take what I'm saying the wrong way, I think most women fear being alone....me included. I have thought about these things myself, however my husband hasn't actually married anyone yet....just frequent e-mails of the romantic kind to this one woman. It's still very hurtful but if he hasn't actually married her then...there's no point in taking it to the next level just yet. Anyway...take care sister.
Love you!:)
1:11 PM
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