not exactly fair...
Yesterday was the 14 now 15 yr olds birthday. Her father came to pick her up for a special dinner. (He's never done that for any of the other kids)....I'm sure they had a great time.....and to make it even better, my daughter comes home with an ipod touch. Something that the oldest has been dying for.....I tried my best and got the oldest an ipod Nano....that was $170.....but there is no way I could ever afford the hefty $270 for the ipod Nano.
And the 15 yr old comes home with it. Easy breezy.
The house is upset. The oldest although happy for her sister, can't help but say...why not me? The ex has repeatedly forgotten her bday or promised her presents for later that never appeared. So this gift of an ipod Nano is like a slap in the face. I know that islamically, this isn't even right....
It is obligatory for a father to treat all his children equally especially in the matter of giving gifts. Accordingly, he is prohibited from bestowing more favors on some of his children than on others without any necessity or valid reason, since this will produce jealousy and may even arouse enmity and hatred among them. This applies equally to the mother. The Prophet (peace be on him) said, 'Do justice among your sons,' and repeated it thrice. (Reported by Muslim, Ahmad, and Abu Daoud)
The story behind this hadith is that the wife of Bashir bin Sa'd al-Ansari requested her husband to give a gift of a garden or a slave to her son, al-Nu'man bin Bashir. She asked Bashir to go to the Prophet (peace be on him) and request him to be a witness. Bashir went to him, saying, "The daughter of such and such—meaning his wife—has asked me to give a slave to her son." "Does he have brothers?" the Prophet (peace be on him) asked. "Yes," he replied. "Did you give the same to each of them?" inquired the Prophet (peace be on him). "No," said Bashir. The Prophet (peace be on him) then said, "This is not correct, and I can never bear witness to other than what is just." (Reported by Ibn Hibban in his Sahih.)
Some other ahadith in this regard are as follows: Do not ask me to be a witness to injustice. Your children have the right of receiving equal treatment, as you have the right that they should honor you. (Reported by Abu Daoud) "Fear Allah and treat your children with equal justice." (Reported by al-Bukhari and Muslim.)I'm not really sure what sort of action to take at the moment....my immediate reaction is to see if I can sell the Nano and get the oldest a touch.....I'll have to add $100 that I don't have, but I do have a ring I could sell, or maybe ask Sjon to help out. None of my kids is better than the other...they all deserve to have the best. The 12 yr old has an ipod shuffle.....but she's happy with it......maybe I could give her the Nano and see about the touch...? I really don't know...I feel bummed out about how this gift is affecting my oldest......sigh.
posted by Safa at 5:13 AM
13 Comments:
I'm actually THISCLOSE to calling him and asking wth is he thinking....
5:26 AM
ea ya Bama!!..you dont have to buy anyone anything..it will not make it right..and besides..dont worry about me khalas..i am still overjoyed that u got me and ipod..somthing that me myself i couldnt afford...
el7md for all that we have..screw noora and the fact that my dad is just loading her up on gifts and stuff..she is gnna get hurt later..and watch her break the touch my the end of march...:D..
bama we do have tight times..but we are all still alive and happy for the blessings that allah has givin us..even somtimes i wish god would crank up the blessings somtimes...but dont worry..no one is sayin that u have to fix..in the end baba is gonna have to fix all his doings...
I love u bama
6:18 AM
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6:18 AM
that's really mean and unfair of their dad to be that way. insha Allah, your eldest daughter will have everything she desires one day b/c she tries to be so patient now.
8:14 AM
And of course all you and your other children too, insha Allah (have everything they need and want, I mean...)
8:15 AM
It's more divisiveness on his part but I do think you would make it worse by making a bigger deal of it. At most I might send him a message explaining that others have had their birthdays ignored or played down, but now that he is trying to rebuild a relationship with them, it is suggested that he do so in a fair and just manner. Then let it pass.
As usual Cleo shows far more maturity than her birth father.
Love you.
12:51 PM
Unfortunately you are unable to 'fix' the f-ups that your ex continues to perpetrate. It is a tough lesson to learn - but life is not fair - and the sooner that lesson is learned the better. Cleo seems to have accepted it as it is - and she is a much better person for it - welcome to the life of hard knocks.
1:13 PM
cleo understands it.... she's trying to say all the right things, but i think she's mostly trying to convince herself that she's ok w/ how things are. she sounds very mature, but she is only 17 and it's hurting her more than shes says (and if you read her blog, she still says quite a bit about being hurt).
her rational mind says leave things alone b/c she knows it will never change. but she's very hurt and wants to scream... at her father, at her sister, at life. i think all these things can build up and lead to some serious depression issues. helpful or not, i would be calling the ex and letting him know (quite loudly) how his other children are affected by his behaviour.
i know i've never experienced what u are going thru w/ ur ex, but i wonder if some serious ground rules are required here. i would try to tell the ex that if he can't give equally to all the kids, then he can't give them anything. if he wants N to have an iTouch but can't or won't get gifts for his other children, then none of them should get a gift. OR, they all have to share it. if he doesn't follow those rules, then the gift is not allowed in your house (it has to be kept and used solely at his apt). i know u are afraid to lose N by "being the bad guy", but i think she knows it too. she's 15 now, not 12. she's smart and she's manipulating the situation to her advantage. like it or not, u are also showing her special treatment by putting up w/ her game. and that's not fair to the other kids.
i'm sorry, i hate to say these things. i want nothing but the best for u and ur family. but maybe it's reading cleo's blog lately that has me really worried for her. i know u are always struggling to do the best for each of ur kids and my own children are nowhere near these trying teen years when parenting becomes so much more complicated. so take what i say as just another viewpoint and keep doing ur best.... it's served u well so far.
2:31 PM
The more I hear about this guy, the more I want to beat his ass! He doesn't appreciate what he has. Obviously, that's why he doesn't have it anymore.
Yes, Cleo did talk on her blog about it, and that was b4 this incident! He is such an ass. He is trying to buy her love and is pitting her against the rest of the family. It sounds like he is doing the same with Safa's mom, they were probably bitching at her together when she saw them talking.
I would probably tell him if he can't buy soemthing equal for all the kids, not to send it home with her, she could use it there, even though that's really not fair either. But you can't stop him from buying her stuff.
Cleo, you are mature and I think you are handing it very well. Obviously you have to vent (like on your blog), but so does everybody.
Hugs to you Safa and ALL of the kids!
Anisah
3:05 PM
I liked those solutions. Either he buys for all or no one or they share. Or she keeps her gifts at his place. She needs to know it's not fair to her siblings and that it's causing hurt feelings. Maybe you could assign her to make sure her dad remembers others b-days too.
6:25 PM
Assalamu `alaykum,
To be honest, what REALLY IRKS me is that he would buy an unnecessary expensive gift (I know an iPod is cute and everything, but not really necessary) while NOT PAYING MUCH NEEDED CHILD SUPPORT!!!
Kids needs more financial stability than an iPod. I can't believe he'd be so irresponsible.
Also I agree with something a poster up there said. Safa, unfortunately, you have a piece of work of an ex-husband. It seems he will mess up many more times. You can't just go crazy and try to fix all his stupidity. You'll really go crazy and get all stressed out. Insha'Allah you will instill in your kids confidence and a sense of worth so that his messes will hurt them less and less.
All the best to you and your family!
6:28 PM
Just one more thing...
... I think probably it'd be good to cool down before even thinking about calling.
But as some people already said here, I think it's going to be necessary to establish some ground rules for the welfare of the children. So maybe you can start writing things down about what you expect of him as a father, what things are off-limits, etc, etc.
5:50 AM
Cleo as usual shows her very mature side which is an asset to her. But it is still hard to swallow someone who should care for all their children equally act like such a 2 yr old ass as the ex does.
Hugs to both of you having to put up with his bullshit!
2:40 PM
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