out with the old.....

So I've been organizing things in the house these last couple of days. Going thru all the excess things that I don't really need and only clutter the drawers, clutter the cupboards and in the end.....clutter my mind.

So I carefully counted 9 spoons, 9 forks and 9 knives. And then I counted 9 plates, 9 bowls, 9 cups and 9 glasses. I threw out some blankets that looked worse for the wear. I donated nick nacks and countless little things to Goodwill.

And lastly, I started looking thru the clothes. And that's where I stopped....a pause. Longer than I expected actually.

I found the red sweater that I had to sneak and buy for my oldest when we first went to Egypt. It cost $29.99 from a wonderful kids clothing store, which was a lot of money. It's still a lot of money actually. I wanted this sweater for my oldest so badly, that I snuck the money to my mother, who in turn bought it, and then pretended to "gift" it to my oldest. She wore it on the plane on the way to Egypt and everyone commented on how great she looked. It was her favourite sweater for 2 years, but then it got to small....so it went to her younger sister. And then, it passed to the 3rd sister....and now...although a little raggedy...(well okay...alot raggedy)....it should be going to sister # 4. But truth is.....its better days are over and it should be either destined for garbage or goodwill.

I held this sweater in my hands and remembered the days.....remembered even the feelings of having to sneak Mom the money.....of where I was as a person during those days.....and I just couldn't put it in the bag. I couldn't. So I waited for my oldest daughter to come home....thinking I'd let her decide.

When she finally made it home......I showed her the sweater with a deep breath, waiting for her to say...goodwill, Mama. But it didn't happen. She grabbed it from me and said..."are you kidding? This is my favourite sweater!!"... And with a big exhale....I handed her the sweater to put away wherever it is that she's going to keep it....knowing that it meant something to her as well.

And then there was the matching sweater and vest of my 12 yr old. I bought it in Ganayna Mall and paid a ridiculous $400 LE for it. (oh gone were the days of $29.99 being too much) I bought the outfit for her in defiance of the ex. He had complained that I was wasting money and that it wasn't visible what I was spending money on. So I thought to myself....you wanna see it? And bought Eid clothes for the kids that cost us over $2000 LE in the end. The ex wasn't happy about me spending so much on the clothes, but it felt OH so good to buy good quality things that looked wonderful. The ex ALWAYS wore suits, blazers and had over 30 pairs of shoes....(that the oldest would shine for him EVERY time he came back to Egypt)

The sweater and vest still hangs in the closet....now ready for the 6 yr old to wear this winter....

And lastly....yet another sweater. This one also belongs to the 12 yr old. Her father bought it for her when we were visiting Canada. I wanted to put it in the Goodwill bag, but worried that my daughter would want to save it because her father bought it. Surprisingly, without a second thought she said....throw it in the Goodwill bag, I don't want it. So I softly reminded her who bought it for her and asked her..."wouldn't you like to keep it?"....she said to me just as softly...."I feel like I should say I want it....but I don't." ....in the Goodwill bag it went.

So many other pieces of clothing brought memories....the jean overalls from the Tommy Hilfiger Factory in my city, the gypsy skirt that both my SIL and I bought in different colours for our daughters, the undershirts from Cairo.....so many pieces of clothing and so many memories. I wonder if I'd take a deep smell of the clothing if I could catch a whiff of something...? Oh the moments are so many, so so many.

Gone are the days of old, and material is just....well just material. I kept what I just couldn't let go. And you know what? I'm good at that! Because leaving Egypt and taking my children was also me keeping what I just couldn't let go of......my children.

Somewhere in this is a lesson.....some profound thought....and it's just beyond my grasp.....anyone want to sum it up for me?