Guess who showed up.......
....at my doorstep today when I was conveniently at work?
The ex.
He's back in Canada and no one knew. Only Tasneem was home....(6 yrs old)....and my new love, Sjon. They were sitting on the front lawn and the car pulled up.....Sjon recognized the ex from pics.....he got out of the car and yelled for Tasneem......
Can you picture that? The supposedly happy father and the joyous daughter? Is that what you can see? Well, try again. He stayed not 10 mins and he was sure to tell Tasneem the following words...."your mother is a liar, nothing she says is true"
It's sick. It's horrible.
And I'm putting a stop to it. We move on Saturday and I won't be leaving any info about where we are. I'm not sure what other things I should put in place, and could really use your help....
Advise me....
posted by Safa at 5:28 PM
26 Comments:
omg, for a second i was afraid he was going to take her away when he saw only sjon at home with her. i wonder if he made the trip b/c of abdu's surgery? i hope you get away quickly before he shows up again, and i hope he doesn't mess up the girl's heads again.
4:27 AM
While I don't know anything about canadian law, is there a possibility of getting some kind of warrent for child support? Then if he were to enter the country, they would arrest him or do something to force him to pay?
6:09 AM
ooh, rahma, i like that idea... i 2nd that!
8:26 AM
I say a restraining order. Maybe talk to the police and tell them that you think that your ex will kidnap your children and see what they say. Do you still have a lawyer? A phone call to him/her would be very good.
If he does that again, I would tell Sjon to take the kids inside. You don't know what your ex might do next.
Good idea about not letting the ex know what you will be moving to. Change your phone number when you move and keep it unlisted.
As for the kids in school. Do you think he would try anything (like take them out)? I would contact the school about this.
That is pretty crazy that he would show up on that. Keep your guard up. I am glad Sjon is around.
If you need to talk, let me know and I will call you. I am always afraid that you are busy and can't talk lol. So let me know. ok?
Love you!!!
11:10 AM
when egyptian husbands go bad, they really go bad and make you hate the day you met them, astaghfirullah.
you have to know that he is probably insane over seeing sjon with his child....there is no telling what he is thinking to do now safa..you know how some darling men are, even though youre divorced and he has done really crappy stuff, in his mind he probably still "owns" you.
hurry up and move dear sister and if i were there, i would come and help you.
i think you should also prepare the children to be aware of his showing up again before you guys move and to not go with him under any circumstances.
and advise them not to tell them not to tell him that you are moving if he comes by , calls or whatever!!
this post made me get nervous.
be careful.
2:25 PM
Safa & others,
Wow, the impression I was left from this encounter was totally different!
Okay, me personally, what this makes me think is this (writing this is hard since I think a lot of you will disagree with me):
These 5 beautiful children of yours, Safa, also belong to him. They are equally yours and his. These children are his flesh and blood - and he loves them, no matter his actions or understandings of how a father should act in this situation - and they love him, too. Even if some might not say it because they're so angry and confused.
Safa, we're always hearing your one side of the story, and your one side the of the story alone. While I sympathize with your pain, cheer you on for your successes, and am warmed by your happiness, I admit I also wonder - so much! - what his side of the story is (not that we'll ever hear it...he doesn't have a blog! lol)
This man MUST be feeling pain. His five children are gone! It's obvious that he misses them not only because they are his flesh and blood but because he desperately showed up at your doorstep, seeking them in whatever way he could.
I think this man is just as confused as you feel. I bet he is racking his brain for solutions, and probably he does rash things that seem inappropriate to you because people act crazy when they're desperate and/or in pain.
He's probably wondering, how is this fair? Fair for these children to disappear, further and further away? He didn't plan for this. He really didn't. No one would WANT to bring all this stuff on to themselves and their children.
I'm not saying he didn't make poor choices - he did.
But think for a second how he must feel about something that equally belongs to him - his children - and how it must feel for them to be taken away and disappear.
I KNOW he says things to them that are inappropriate. He should NOT tell his kid, "Your mother is a liar." What you BOTH need to do, BOTH parents need to work this out between each other, and be fair, and not use low-blows. Speaking badly about each other to the children just hurts them - because they are made up of BOTH of you. Maybe the kids still do love him, miss him, and want the chance to love him - even from a distance - but would be afraid to admit that to their mother out of loyalty to her.
What I'm saying to keep in mind is, look at the story, the situation from HIS point of view, and from the kids' - and think about how they might be feeling, and what they might be needing - even if it's just in words.
8:23 AM
Umm Yehiya, he cannot love his children that much if he didn't bother even asking if they have food to eat on their plates. He wants them with a sense of possesion, not of love. He has been away from them for long periods of time for years, as you said, making very poor choices.
I might simpatize with Safa too much because my situation, although is different in many senses, also implies an ex husband who chose to live in other country and only sees his daughter 4 times a year. He expects her to love him as she loves me,something impossible, my daughter almost don't know her father. And I guess safa's youngest don't know him either.
I know we don't know Safa's ex side of the story, but really, is nothing as easy as making children, being a father, that's the hard bit, and this man can hardly be called that...
2:24 PM
Safa I'm with rahma! Scary that he just showed up like that! Umm Yehiya; if he truly LOVED his children he would make attempts to remain in touch with them, provide for them BE a father. He has done nothing of the sort and deserves whatever pain he's in for doing this to anyone! As Brujita said; it's easy to make a baby, being a father is more than contributing DNA. He has no right to them when he has done nothing to support them financially or emotionally. That he showed up with no warning is suspicious and I would consider it a threat to the family.
3:55 PM
Oh yes, does Canada have a deadbeat parent law? One where he HAS to pay support? If so I would call whoever you need to......he needs to pay for these children and provide for them. He should not have any right to see them until he's under contract for a specific amount.
3:57 PM
omg he is sad and upset because he is without his 5 children?? he was without them for years while safa was alone in egypt!! even while married and safa waited patiently, he praced around with MM and left his entire family to be raised by Safa which she is still continuing to this day in canada, alhamdulillah!
and then he shows up just to put safa down..insults her in front of his child?
nothing new here from this man. his behaviour remains the same.
6:39 AM
Dear Sharon,
Thinking about you every day. I am so happy for all the goods coming your way, workwise, housewise, lovewise, ah life, never a bed of roses, or perhaps it is, just those darn thorns in this bed of life..;-)
Your ex showing up is concerning, but it was bound to happen at some point.
You have gotten very good advice from the women here.
You know you need to sit down and talk with your girls. This you can handle for sure.
As for your ex`s longing fathers heart. What tish tosh.
You have for years worked your fingers, head and heart to the bone, at the expence of your own and at times your childrens best interest and happiness to let this man be a father in every sense. You have worked selflessly to keep him in the family, he made many shift to destroy that, now the family dynamics have changed, you must act without a doubt accordingly.
He has chosen to provide when you complied. Sperm and whatever time and money HE saw fit.
Perhaps if he makes a HUGE U-turn and starts from scratch, working with you and the system for an amicable solution, then.... However, there is no discussing this at this point. No such attempt has been made from his side. Au contraire!
The way he did this is unnerving. It is rarely the parent who makes a fuzz in schools,neighborhood, systems etc that is to be feared the most.
It is the elusive parent who won`t be known by schoolstaff, neighbors, new friends and whomever is around the child when the other parent is away that is most fearsome.
Everyone is weary and know the troublemakers and can get in their way, he is treading very lightly.
There is no doubt in my mind that he is brewing on something.
7:15 AM
As I see it, according to study, he is a high abduction danger:
A study entitled Prevention of Parent or Family Abduction through Early Identification of Risk Factors was conducted by Dr. Janet Johnston (Judith Wallerstein Center for the Family in Transition) and Dr. Linda Girdner (ABA Center on Children and the Law). The researchers detailed six risk parent profiles for abduction:
1. Have threatened to abduct or abducted previously;
2. Are suspicious and distrustful due to a belief abuse has occurred;
3. Are paranoid-delusional;
4. Are sociopathic;
5. Have strong ties to another country; and
6. Feel disenfranchised from the legal system.
http://www.prevent-abuse-now.com/unreport.htm
Shows up on your lawn and within 10 minutes he manages to display one of the first tactics of parental abduction, parental alienation, wich is by experts considered child abuse. He has done this on numerous occations before too, slandering you. This is not a fatherfigure to cuddle.
http://www.preventparentalkidnap.org/alien.html
Now, what can I think of.
First of all, inform anyone that has your children in their observation/care that they are n e v e r to be handed out to any person other then yourself and possibly Sjon. To physically withhold them and call you ASAP if anyone else is coming to pick them up. Make sure people of authority over your children know your situation.
When you have moved, try to get a postbox as your adress. Register EVERYTHING to this one, nothing to the house. Do not label your house in any way refering back to you. Keep the visible part of your house as anonymous as possible, everything from nametags on doors to your childrens toys and bikes.
Get in touch with new neighbors immidiately, bake a spunge-kake and make some walk and talks, look for people in whom you may confide. Anyone would gladly help and be on your side and your eyes when away in such a case.
Never trust that your girls can scream their way out of a situation if their father comes to grab them.
My brother was abducted by my father, in broad daylight, surrounded by lots of people, kicking and screaming kidnapping. My fathers laughing face and "kids these days" passified them.
Try to always make them travel "in pack".
Cell-phones. They should all carry one so they can reach you within seconds, so you can alert authorities, or they can.
7:16 AM
Your boy. Is there any way he can have an egyptian passport for him? He is the only one that can not voice himself at an airport.
I also think you should safeguard yourself and get a pepperspray. I researched it and it is legal. I fell for this Hidden Edge that if worse comes to worse, could also be handled by your older girls:
http://www.paxtonquigley.com/hidden_edge.html
And dear tough gal, don`t panic, don`t be too scared, just be on high alert.
His little lawn-action was in fact a foolish warning. You are now in a position to bar him from all sides, set up entrapments even to try to land him in jail or out of Canada.
Get all paperwork in order, use every legal and mental resource you have.
Be armed to your teeth with tactics, information, custody, legalities in Canada, US and inbetween US,CA and Egypt, legal offences by him, report EVERYTHING you possibly can that makes the authorities aware of him.
If you can/should get a restrainingorder, do know that he must be aware of what areas not to enter,providing him with vital info, be careful of that one, make sure if you get any kind of protection or make a complaint, that authorities are not to give out your adress to him.
Use your knowhow of this man through all the years, how to passify him, how not to aggrevate him, albeit the last one might be inevidable.
If you need money, give me a holler on mail, I am now in a position to help out.
On a last note and what I think is Umm Yehiya`s sentiment, is that it would be a lovely world and for the best of all children to be in normal touch with both of their parents.
However, what comes before this right, is the childs right to a safe and stable life. Sadly that does not always work by having contact with both parents.
Very very sadly for Sharon and the kids is that this particular parent do not have his childrens best interest at heart. He has proven time and time again that he has only his interest at heart, not going out of his way to use his children in this game.
Against such a parent kids must be protected.
He has used and abused his kids and is everyone is loosing in such a situation. The kids the most, the ones who are too young even to understand.
It takes a very strong parent to protect their children against their own father or their mother. There comes a time though when they will understand, that the hurt of being cut of from one parent at a certain age was for their own best.
There will come a time when they are old enough for contact with the "irresponsible" parent on their own. Until this age comes they need someone to protect them from the other parent and themselves, because kids do not know their own best. They love their parents even if abused and will go to extreme lengths to get their parents attention and love.
I know too well myself that the hurt of a child who was not protected by a parent from the "irresponsible" one will never go away.
Such a child will always carry the scars given by the "irresponsible" one and the enourmous hurt of not being worthy of protection, not worthy a fight, from the other.
Battle it now Sharon and whatever the outcome, your children will always know that you fought for them. To know the other way around is a heartache that will never go away, but can drive a child away when you are grown.
They are young, your ex is young, contact can be established at a later age. They are better safe now then sorry later...
Hugs to all of you
Alexandra
7:16 AM
amen to that alexandra...as far as him being an abduction risk, i would not want to know that he could show up at any time while safa is working. the fact that his children are there with sjon is probably pissing him in a major way!!! he is probably thinking now what to do...
trust me, im not a paranoid person, i know how men are in general, let alone a man who feels he has been "wronged" and double let alone an egyptian man (yeah i can say it, i was married to one lol).
thank God safa is moving today but once he find out she is gone from that house he will probably get more pissed and be more determined to find out where she has taken "HIS CHILDREN"!!!! yep, the ones he didnt support or feed or give a damn about since they arrived in canada.
9:10 AM
Love is not selfish. Love is not just a word. It is not just a feeling. When you love someone, you have to show it to them. Words without actions mean nothing.
If you fear Allah, what do you do? You worship him the way that he told you to. It's not some hidden feeling inside of your heart or mind.
I'm quite sure that Safa's husband loves his children. That's not enough though. Someone who has children has an obligation towards them. He is obligated, to the best of his abilities, to remain in contact with his children. To love them with words and financial support. His job as a father/provider didn't end when safa took her children to Canada and asked for a divorce. His hurt feelings do not prevent him or even allow him islamically to supsend his role as father/provider. But safa hurt me will not be an excuse on the judgement day. Having money is a test from Allah and we will be accounted for how we did or did not spend it. Every time he buys himself clothing or puts food in his mouth he will be held accountable for not doing the same for his children.
Anger and revenge are not honorable emotions. I cannot think of any reason why it would be acceptable not to talk to your children or support them financially for an entire year. Can any of you? Allah has said(in regards to marriage) to live with them honorably or to let them go in kindness. I see no kindness to the woman he was married to for 18 years when he lets their children 5children suffer because he is hurt or angry.
10:36 AM
Everyone's made much better comments than I could've so I'm just going to leave something to let you know my thoughts: Safa, please keep that man away from your children. Get a restraining order,if possible.
After the way he's been behaving, I don't doubt the government will stop him from seeing at least the minor children. This is TERRIBLE for a child Nemo's age; she must not get torn between two sides and get confused. She needs a stable home and you're providing one for her. That man has no right to ruin her this way.
I wish I could come over and give you all a big hug right now, specially the children. Anyone who plays on their children's feelings that way or uses them as pawns makes me sick sick sick to the stomach. That man is despicable.
11:28 AM
Umm yehiya,
Does a man who loves his children not support them? Does he curse and abuse their mother in front of them? Does he not call them for months at a time?
I understand that you are trying to see another side but really these actions speak for themselves. This is a dangerous, selfish man. And Safa needs to protect her children from further instability and trauma.
In time, I hope too that he will be able to put his rage against Safa aside and start a healthy relationship with his children. But the fact that he told his SIX YEAR OLD DAUGHTER "Your mother is a liar" indicates he is not there at this point in time.
Protect your kids Safa. You are the only stabilty they have in their lives.
Love you,
PM
12:50 PM
I second everything and DOUBLE the talking to their school (thankfully it's almost summer vacation . . .) but you need to make sure they are aware that he is not to pick them up.
2:55 PM
I don't know if your divorce in the Canadian legal system is final yet or not, but did a judge grant you sole custody? IF NOT, then I wouldn't be leaving my daughter alone with Sjon or anyone. Because if you are not there and they are with anyone else, then legally he can take them since he is also a parent. I have seen this happen to TOO many friends. Father showed up at the babysitters and legally took the child, even though mother and father were separated, how because there wasn't a court order granting them sole custody yet. So unless the judged has officially signed a court order then he still has just as much rights as you do to them. The only thing is he can't take them from your possession (if your present with them) or he can't take them from the school if you have warned them.
BUT the thing is, if you have a court order for him to pay child support and he is behind, then set it up with the law enforcement to arrest him.
Call them and get the criminal warrant signed for his arrest, invite him over to see the kids and have the cops waiting nearby to arrest him.
6:01 AM
I think you can go to court to have the children blacklisted from leaving the country with anyone other than you.
6:04 AM
Assalamu `alaykum,
I am partly with Umm Yehiya.
He is the children's father, and as such, he has a right to them, provided that it's also in the best interest of the children.
So I don't know how ruptured/not ruptured the relationship is with them, but I do know that it would be good if in the future, the children had contact with him (again, provided those encounters are positive for the children).
You cannot get a restraining order for someone who is not threatening you (which I assume he never did), and oyu cannot legally prevent a father from visitation rights.
I think if he showed up, it's a good opportunity to get someone to talk to him and remind him of child support and if he wants visitation rights, of visitation rights.
I would definitely consult a lawyer to make sure you take every single precaution so he doesn't take the children out of the country.
11:09 AM
i feel so strongly about this, of course he has a right to them but he hasnt wanted them. he was barely there for them in egypt and yet when they were closer to him in canada he left and went to egypt. he has not supported them financially, emotionally or spiritually....loving them also means respecting their mother and not demeaning her in front of them. safa has been their rock. if not for her what would have become of them? he lost interest in their wellbeing when he stopped taking care of them out of spite for safa....you dont use your children as playing pieces if you truly are wanting them to be happy healthy children.
a mature person takes care and loves his children no matter what he feels for the ex spouse.
12:33 PM
Amen to that jana!
I read your story, you really know what you are talking about, love for a child does not hang on the feelings for the other parent.
Sharons ex`s behavior of "irresponsibility" did as you point out start long before Sharon even upped from Egypt, tired of it all and started a new in Canada.
Not saying that miracles could happen and he straighten up, go through the proper proceedings that he must in order to establish him as a responsible parent with rights to custody. As pr. now he is as far away from this as a polar-bear from Oslo.
Well, anyways, I have had my say on the matter of this man, lest something comes to mind in the morning. Ah, just did.
Sharon, his family in Egypt. If ever needed, use them to disinform him. You can use them tactically to keep him off track, or send him in the wrong direction if needed. Ah, too tired to be cunning now, but you are clever enough to get my gist...;-)
And a hug out to jana and yours! I will stop by again, you are inspirational as a woman, mother and a blogger.
4:07 PM
thank you kafira..i dont see myself as inspirational so im amazed at your words tbh. im trying to maintain my sanity and dignity at the moment and to recover from this past year. thank you for your words and for coming by my blog!!
8:06 PM
Wow sorry I'm behind in keeping in touch, got my own crap to sort... don't we all...
SuibhanAllah.
My two cents: everyone has given you awesome advice i can't even start to knowing about. Get all legal stuff you can to block him from taking them.
ONLY if he becomes responsible on SHOWING HIS LOVE through payments and supervised visits woithout emotional abuse towards the children in regurds to their mother (and boyfirend) ONLY THEN should he be allowed to "BE A FATHER" to them. (making sure that it's a LOOOONG Proof of goodness not jsut a show so he can cart them off suddenly.
OK so he does love them, now he has to prove it to them.
Insha'Allah things are going well for you. XOXOX
11:13 PM
How can you leave your young daughter alone with a near stranger, a man that is not her father, if I was her father ,I would be upset too
2:54 PM
Post a Comment
<< Home