Rambly boo.......
I had a talk with my SIL today about the maid incident. I was thoroughly calmed down, so I know that I talked well. Alhamdulillah. I hate discussing something in the heat of the moment. We usually give it more adrenalin than it's worth.
I told her that I had something bothering me...and that I wanted to talk about it and get it out, cuz I don't like having a grudge. And then I said simply....that I feel that you should have asked my permission to have the maid at ur house, before you sent for her. That's my own private business, what I do with her....and that my SIL has nothing to do with that. I've had this particular maid for a year, and I haven't brought her into my apt....she just lives at the villa....so how could she assume that it's okay for the maid to go and clean her house? I haven't even brought her to mine. I have another maid who comes occasionally.
She gave me her reasons....subhanALLAH...exactly what I expected her to say.....I even told her that I was expecting that. But I also said...although I truly believe that your intentions are 100% clear...from time to time....ur deeds are lacking that level.
I think that the conversation went well. The real test will be tonight or tomorrow when she relates everything to her hubby. I made a date with her to go out tomorrow night to buy some stuff for Eid. Insha Allah, we've passed any bumps.
I suppose there's something that's not so clear here. I guess I should make it so. (Star Trek line....lol....for those of u, in the know!) I haven't had the greatest relationship with this SIL downstairs. I don't know what it is.....she's different. Just when I think that her and I are the best of buddies......she goes and does something mean to push me away. I don't understand that. As well, she's not very nice with my kids. Her sort of behaviour with them is borderline awful sometimes. She says that she is just joking with them....and if that's true....she has a crummy sense of humour.
I love this SIL, because she has a great niyah.....it's her deeds that get me down from time to time. I've explained that to her, and I think that she agrees with me. Even if she doesn't say it to my face. Should today's conversation go over well......and I don't have any repercussions afterwards....I think our friendship will take on a new level. I'm praying that it will.
I told her today that I value her friendship so highly, that I have pushed things away from me, so that I could be closer to her. I gave her examples. I told her, that I hate to see her upset, because she gets so down. I told her that I want us to always keep our friendship pure cause in reality, we ain't got anyone else. If I should get sick, who can I call but her? And vice versa. I know I hit a chord with her. But will it strum?
Alhamdulillah. I'm happy I got that over with....it was bothering me.
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MM didn't send me a message
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I went to Cairo today with my 14 yr old. She needed a pair of school pants or even a skirt.........we found some nice baggy pants....olive green color. While we were in the mall, she was showing me these shirts that she likes. All of them skin tight with little half jackets on them...made from some stretchy t-shirt/lycra material. I was grinding my teeth. Does she actually think I'd let her wear that? I'm trying to keep her in tunics and pants or skirts. I want her butt covered. She's not as worried about it as I am. But I will have my way....even if it's a big fight in the end, and I cut up all the things I don't like. I'll do it. She has to realize that she's free to express her individuality.....but with modesty attached. She's always been dressed well......I don't know what's going thru her 14 yr old mind. Maybe it's a phase. My 14 yr old is the one most scarred by my husband's appetites for women while he's in Canada.....and whatever bond they had together is out the window. I wonder how it feels for him? I would hate to be in that position. Let my child down so badly, that they don't believe in me anymore. I'd rather be superman for my kids, than superman for some christian hoochie with the nice ass who I think I can teach some deen to. (not to mention, enjoy myself at the same time!!) Is that mean of me to say? I think it's stark. It's a reality. Lets get our priorities straight, for crying out loud. Last year, my 14 yr old failed 2 subjects. She's usually an A- student. And now....she wants to start wearing tight shirts..........don't tell me that she's not suffering. (I know u guys aren't) I need to have a heart to heart with her.
posted by Safa at 11:33 PM
18 Comments:
You make me wonder how my kids will be effected due to the choices I have made in my life. I wonder what view my children have of marriage and family. Ya Allah it is a scarey thought.
12:17 AM
Salam alaikoum
I say the same thing as Vena but I also wonder about the clothes. My husband only has two sisters but one is older and the one closest to him in age always dressed modes, either in tunics or "like a boy" (you know, sneakers, windsuits...it is a France thing)- not really like a boy in Islam (can't say that) but you know what I mean, and I do not know how is going to handle having daughters if we have any incha Allah. Even in the pre-muslim days I only liked wearing long sleeves so I would flip if I had a shopping trip with a 14 year old. I seriously told Umm Abdurrahman to come give me parenting lessons the last time I saw her.
Ok I am rambling. Thanks for your comments on my blog they made me feel better.
12:25 AM
My 14 yr old is going thru some changes, and I can identify with that.....I've spoken to others who were the kids in the poly marriages....with situations similar to some of ours...with the...Oh BTW, I'm married again story.....and the kids are mad at the mothers! OMG! They would take a totally different stance if Allah were to put that in their path. Well, I spose that's the way we learn, right? I mean, come on....how many of us wanted to be like our Mom's when we grew up?
I love all you guys, CNCZ.....you said it the best for all of us...."The truth is I am me with all my flaws so hey." I'm going to be quoting that one here in Egypt today.
1:04 AM
Remind me to tell you later what I think about the tight clothes. By golly I think I have figured it out.
3:10 AM
Salamu alaykum,
I would just let your daughter know the difference between home clothes and outside clothes. The tight shirt would be a home clothes to wear behind closed door with her family and inshallah when she get's married. It is good to teach our girls to dress up in the house and wear sexy clothes so they will please their zoges inshallah. Of course the aurah shouldn't be showing but you know just give the example. If she has a sister's gathering in your house then she could wear some of her inside clothes.
6:10 AM
Yeah, we do that....that's very egyptian. Here in Egypt, everyone has two sets of clothes...hudoom baytee wa khuroogee. So we already have that figured out.....insha Allah, I'll be having that talk with her in the next couple of days. Before we go Eid shopping. It just stuns me when she holds up those shirts.
7:42 AM
I wouldn't the in home clothes/outside clothes thing. Its a huge possibility she'll just sneak the home clothes on when she gets outside.
Safa, your right it is a good time to have a heart to heart with her about choosing her own path. She can. She doesn't have to let her life with you (not that it is horrible or anything, but she is hurt by parts of it) define her.
One of the biggest issues that I've seen with amongst the Muslimat I knew growing up who lived in polygynous families is that they had no relationship with their fathers. Their fathers were busy with their women while their daughters took the last place (women, sons, jobs and then the daughters). It's hard. The girls dislike their dads but get stuck in the tunnel of seeking acceptance and attention from men like their fathers who will never give them the right amount that the need to feel satisfied. Allahul Musta'an.
8:04 AM
Hate the adrenalin you mentioned when it comes to addressing delicate issues like the one with your SIL.
Your 14 y.o. sounds like most. I suppose some of her classmates wear that stuff, and she's trying to fit it. I hated being 14! My mom was not very fashion-savvy, and was hesitant to buy 'trendy' things.
9:48 AM
I'm so glad you held your' boobs" and told her calmly with maturity that this mess has to stop. The fake confusion and playing the victim must end because you know her poker cards already in her hand.
InshaAllah Ta'ala she will slow down a bit for fear of not wanting to be put on front street again. I'm so proud of you I could send you a internet kiss on the cheek but thats to emotional, and I have to limit my gay displays of emotion. lol
2:56 PM
Asalamalaykom Safa,
I think the tight shirt thing prolly has a lot to do with being 14. I remember around that ages feeling like I was "grown" and wanting to wear whatever I wanted to.
4:42 PM
WHY are they mad at the mom? The daughters I know are mad at dad for lying, but they would still accept poly for themselves. And it does seem that they are near completely neglected by their fathers.
Maybe you should have a really frank/explicit talk with her about the clothes and the way men see and think about things...I was so oblivious to that until I was way older and would have liked to have known better.
Men think about sex every how many minutes? Seconds? And just a flash of skin or shape of something can fuel an explicit fantasy...does she really want to be a part of that? At 14, I would have thought yucko. Also, what about the angels? Don't they leave the room when we unclothe? How about if we are undressed...I'm curious about that one?
And many would say that wearing skin tight clothes in front of anyone other than the husband is inappropriate as they do expose that which should not be revealed...I've seen more of some sisters than I really would have cared to! So what excuse does a 14 year old Muslimah have to wear something like that. I would opt to buy her a ridiculous amount of fashion jewelry instead.
Sigh, my girl is 2 months old and I'm already gritting my teeth...freakin' boot cut jeans for a newborn...AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Ya'll got Mecca cola? That was my fav in Maroc. I so missed Dr.P!
6:33 PM
I'd rather be superman for my kids, than superman for some christian hoochie with the nice ass who I think I can teach some deen to. (not to mention, enjoy myself at the same time!!)
Not to make light of the situation...but you made me smile with the phrase "Christian hoochie with the nice ass"....this is so totally true.
7:37 PM
wow, some good points here....I never thought about her trying to sneak the clothes out. How stupid is that? I mean, come on.....I did it.
I think deep inside my two older girls ARE mad at me. They want me to make a stand. My 11 yr old even told me that if I should divorce their father, that she would support me. SubhanAllah.
Yup, we've got Mecca cola....never tried it tho.
Thanks for the cyber kiss!!!
I was worried that some might get upset for me saying that....but ahhh well. It was said.
12:07 AM
sorry new to your blog (i'll have catch up in sha Allah) but is this what she thinks her fathers christian hoochie wears? Maybe she subconsciously thinks that if she (the christian hoochie) wears it and dads with her (the christian hoochie) than it must be ok. Do you understand me?
7:48 AM
Not a fan of Mecca cola...it left such a bad aftertaste. I second Diet Dr. Pepper, though. That was sometimes available in Egypt. Ya gotta treat yourself to something now and again. For Root Beer, I would go to A and W. YOu'll get it out of their fountain for much cheaper than you'll ever buy in the shops in Egypt. Was the ginger ale Shwepp's, Safa? I don't recall that particular brand being dead pricey.
Someone mentioned the girls blaming the mother for their father's misbehavin'. I suppose a child could indirectly assign blame if their father led them to believe that their mother wasn't fulfulling her duties and somehow drove them to it. Coming from a family where my parents separated when I was 16 (and got back together 13 years later), I know I blamed my mother to a degree. My father was no peach, but there's the mentality of a 16 y.o. for ya.
8:47 AM
Sorry to butt in this late in the conversation, but considering that you're living in Egypt where everything that goes wrong in a marriage is blamed on the woman, is it possible that your girls are being subconsciously influenced by their environment? I've been married to an Egyptian for 25 years and have some knowledge and understanding of the culture. :)
3:16 PM
We never met the christian woman.....Maybe she does. But we do know that MM wears makeup outside and clothes, not jilbab exclusively. Come to think of it....she did make a point of saying once that if Baba lets MM wear makeup..why does he have a problem if she was going to do it. You may have hit something there......
Almaraya....I'ts possible. Mind you, with what's going on with us....no one is actually blaming me...they are all upset with my husband....and just don't know how to act with me. I'll also explore this avenue....but feel within myself that my kids aren't looking at it that way.
12:45 AM
Is there A & W here in Egypt? I didn't know.....I think that at one time there was Shweppes gingerale.....I vaguely remember that.....but I haven't seen it for years......
I gotta find me an A & W!!
12:47 AM
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