Personal Shaytaan, this is for you......
My laundry is piling up again.
I went and looked at it today.....I'm definately behind. If I don't get a move on it, I'll be in trouble. Here in Egypt, most people don't have an automatic dryer. Instead, balconies have two steel poles sticking out of them, and laundry lines slung between them. The end result? You are limited as to how much laundry you can wash at a go. If you are an early bird, you could prolly do 3 HUGE loads a day. One in the morning, dried by Dhuhr...second one hung on then, to be taken off at Maghrib, maybe even Asr if the sun is good, and then the last one to hang overnight. In my apt, I have two balconies....both of them have lines....the smaller balcony has great sun until Dhuhr. I'm pretty lucky about all that. Most people only have one balcony.
It isn't helping me get my laundry done, tho.
So I'm looking at this laundry.....and I'm thinking. I know I haven't really been well lately. My own personal shaytaan is going over and over some words with me....lies, deception, no more trust, no more rules...etc., etc. Oh ya, and betrayal. Is that where all my problems descend from? Lies, deception, no more trust, no more rules and betrayal?? Yes, I suppose that's what it is. I don't know how to get over that. It's unacceptable and I can't make any excuses for it. That's why this shaytaan is repeating it in my ear. It knows where my problem lies. And I know that I really don't want to go thru all this again.....start crying and crap. It would be ohhhh so easy to just lie back in my bed and count it all on my fingers....let the downward spiral pull me in. But I know that I am not going to let it. No way! I dealt with depression already. I forget how long I was taking the prozac until finally I could spend 5 minutes alone with myself without dissolving into tears. I was living my life second to second.....being dreadfully unhappy......horribly fragile........and just plain miserable. But I got over that. I did.
But then I look at my laundry mountain.
Since my hubby got married.....he came to see me the first time for 6 weeks....equal to the amount of time he was married. Then he left me for 4 mos.....where I dropped deep into a depression. We fought on the phone all the time, I stayed in bed, like my butt was glued there.....I think u'll find it all in the archives. After those 4 mos, he came to Egypt for 1 mos. Our visit was horrible....he took the prozac away from me.....and I couldn't stand him. For the first time in 15 yrs, I yelled at him, I swore at him....he told me to go to hell.....I couldn't stand being in the same room.....I just did my duties and that was plenty. I think in the entire 4 weeks that he stayed we must have made love maybe 4 times tops. Totally unusual. Although we slept in the same bed, we never even touched. When you've been living inside your brain and your own personal torture chamber for 4 mos....it takes longer than a month to help someone break free of it. I was devastated that he wasn't staying with me for 4 mos. Then he went back to Cda for a month.....and the next month, brought us all there. Yes, it helped clear my mind.....even with the startling revelations I had there.....but to be with my Hubby again, after only a month gone.....oh yes....that's what I need. It's the distance that is hurting me. And as I am now approaching a month without my husband I notice something that starts to bother me....like a tickle in the back of my brain.....I wish I could itch it.....it's really starting to bother me....it's just....
.....that the laundry is piling up again.
So I bought this dry eraser board....a nice size one. I wrote down chores for the kids on it. I bought myself a big bottle of VIM, to start cleaning. I made a really great dinner today, Chicken Fettucine Alfredo and a huge pot of chicken vegetable soup. I also wrote down alternate days on the calender for the girls to know whose night it is to wash dishes. I'm working on the order. I can't believe how upside down everything feels. I am usually so good at order and organization. I feel I've lost something....hmmmm.....maybe it was stolen from me. My own personal shaytaan whispering to me, took my motivation like a thief in the night and put it somewhere that I haven't thought to look yet. I haven't even gone out of the house since I came home from Cairo. My 11 yr old cannibal is trying to get me out for a walk.....and I just don't want to. I think I know the source of my problems. As I look over to the laundry basket spilling over in every room.......yes, I know where the source of it is. Do you know what it is? Can u say it with me....
It's the laundry mountain.
Did you know that having too much laundry is a sign of depression? No, really. Did you ever read the signs of depression? They are irritability, anger, worry/anxiety, pessimism, indifference, and a tendency to be self-critical. Can you ask yourself those questions?
Am I irritable?
Am I angry?
Do I worry too much?
Am I being overly pessimistic?
Am I showing indifference?
Am I critizinging myself too much?
I don't even want to think of my answers. I just wanna wash laundry. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm not gonna let that downward spiral pull me in again. It sucks in there. I hated it in there. I hated myself in there. So make dua for me while I attack all this stuff.....I'm gonna give that little shaytaan a body slam and tell him to shove it where the sun don't shine. I'm going to peek out from under my covers and make sure there's no boogeyman in my closet. And I'm GONNA WASH MY LAUNDRY. SO THERE!
I just hope the boogeyman isn't under the bed. Can somebody check?
posted by Safa at 9:55 AM
10 Comments:
Asalamalaykom Safa,
That's a good, honest accessement. I never heard that about laundry...but I know that this is the first time in my life that I'm really tackling it and keeping on top of it. Good sign?
As for under the bed...I believe there's at least one sock and a couple of dustbunnies...and that's true for everyone. :)
10:56 AM
Salaam Alaikum!
Thought this site might come in handy for ya....
http://www.flylady.net/
Take care of YOU! :)
12:20 PM
Sweet Sissy,
You need to get some help with your emotions. A Therapist is in order or at least a doc or imam. I would suggest you try Paxil (seroxat)or Zoloft, which seem to have fewer side effects than Prozac. God wouldn't have given us better living through chemistry if He didn't think we need it sometimes! ;-)))
You have to give the meds a chance to work and then you will be in a better frame of mind to plan what to do with your situation. If you want my phone number just let me know.
Love you dear Safa,
PM
1:09 PM
Dearest Safa: Send that crap out to be done by someone-at least just this once!!!! Let those guys deal with the washing, drying and ironing. Walks with your little canibal are much more important than getting that crud outta the washer before it goes mildewy.
3:52 PM
Safa, I find myself in the same place these days, with the same big pile of laundry and my house looks like a tornado went through it. I have never taken Prozac but I did take Zoloft a couple of years ago during the time my Mom was so ill and on up until several months after she passed away. It did help me but I hate taking medicine of any sort so I finally took myself off Zoloft and have done fine without it. Even now with what I've been through these last couple of months I refuse to start back on it. I got to thinking a few weeks ago that I might need something to help me get through this and I decided that for me that wasn't the answer this time. True depression/anxiety/stress.......whatever...are real physical conditions related to the brain and therefore would and do benefit greatly from treatment. But my condition is not physical, it is caused by outside sources, not related to a brain malfunction (or maybe it is? lol.....somewhat? roflol)
Anyway, I've been told a million times to keep busy and then I wouldn't think about things too much, but it's always there. So, maybe the medication would help in that respect. Who knows? I have no doubt that in less that a minute I would feel much better and actually WANT to do my laundry. It would only take one thing and it isn't a pill.
I will pray for you and I know you continue to pray for me. May God help us and heal us from this misery.
6:27 PM
Well my midget laundry machine is not helping with my piles of Laundry. I am still doing laundry from the move. It is inevitable.
As far as meds go...I say don't take them. They will do more harm than good. Even though your emotions are strong in my opinion it is better to have emotions than to have none at all. I took Paxil when I was younger and I had NO emotions I was a zombie. I figured no matter how bad it got I would rather at least be happy some of the time than never at all. And I know how you are when your happy and I know how you are when you are sad and I love you still. I would still love you if you were a zombie but I would miss your laugh.
2:56 AM
Dear Safa,
I have to say that I admire the way you are able to just bare yourself in your blog. Maybe it is a bit of therapy for you? I congratulate you for fighting the depression. I know what you are going through-in my first marriage when I finally confirmed all my suspicions that my first husband had been not only cheating on me (with muslims and non-muslims) but was supporting them and telling me he had no money to help buy our baby a car seat-I sunk into a deeeeep sepression. Actually, in retrospect I was in a deep depression most of the marriage. I had to tell myself that I controlled myself and that I could not let this person make me lose myself. In the beginning and in the end it is only your soul that you brought with you in this world and that you will take out. Don't let him test and try your soul. Nourish your soul and find your faith in Allah. I know "you can dooo et!" (like The Waterboy).
7:56 AM
UmmAbdurahmaan,
I know you mean well but please don't forget that everyone reacts differently to medication. I have taken Paxil and did not experience the same thing you did. In fact, I still had the complete range of emotions but the depression didn't hand on as long immobilizing me. I think that the symptopms of depression for someone who is essentially a single mom can be very dangerous. That's why I suggested a doctor or a therapist.
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
PS: I miss seeing my little patootie ;-)))
10:44 AM
I'm not going to take prozac, zoloft or any depression medication right now. For a bunch of reasons. I'm just chipping away at the laundry and trying to establish some order.......
11:30 PM
As Tom Cruise would say....take vitamins! Just kidding, although vitamins are good for you.
I agree with Cairogal, just get someone to do the laundry for you, just for this once. Get out and smell the roses...or whatever grows in Egypt!:)Take care, hope you feel better soon.
8:06 AM
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