SHEESH..SHEESH...just google SHEESH
Oh I have to vent this one....
Since I've been back to Canada, I've been having trouble sleeping a couple of nights...well, three to be exact. The shaytan is playing with a few things that my husband said..and I just can't seem to be done with it. What is it? Well, let me share it....
Remember when I told u guys that MM had an abortion? And hubby was like it was a couple of months ago....and then he sneaks over to her house....the same night leaves us alone in the park for a couple of hours....next night after taking me out for dinner informs me he's going to her house? Remember? Well, I've been playing it over in my head and saying to myself.....a couple of months ago? BS! And then basically beating myself up all night saying...
WHY THE HELL DO U BELIEVE HIM??
So tonight, the whole damn story started playing in my head again.....and I"m like...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!! I'M CALLING HIM TO GET THE TRUTH AND FINISH THIS! So I call his work....he's not there.....then I call his cell phone....it rings and rings and rings until finally he picks up....I told him that I really need to talk to him can he call me back? He's like what's wrong? Is something going on? And I'm like....I just need to talk cuz the shaytan is fooling with my head. SO he gets a phone card and calls me back 20 mins later.
I'm like...where are you? At home, he says..home where? At MM's house. Sheesh...he calls it home now. So I'm start telling him that the shaytan is playing with my head...and all the jive I wanna tell him....and he's like....it was before we came to Cda...and I'm yelling and he's yelling...I JUST WANT SOME TRUTH!!! And he's like....what do you want me to say???? So when I come out with it....he's like....it was before you guys came!! OKAY?? And then I'm like is that the only time?? And he's like, no...I made her take pills one time before too!
HOLY SHIT! (I'm so sorry to swear) So that means...they've been married 10 mos now.....she's been preggers 2 X and amazingly got her period all by itself afterwards....2 X took pills to lose the baby....and then guess what the next shocker is??? She just got her period after finding out she was pregnant this month!!! I'm not kidding! So in 10 mos that's what, 5 pregnancies? And they are using birth control? WTH????? And never mind that......he owes me 3 months of time....so he's been with her....what? 7 months, here and there? SHe's been pregnant almost every DAMN month????
Why does it bother me? Well, because he told me that he doesn't want kids with her...and he also told me that he's gonna divorce her.....so why the hell ain't he doing something about the pregnancies? If she's on the pill....is he stupid? Her youngest child is 9 yrs old.....don't tell me that since she had her last child....until she divorced her hubby 1 and 1/2 yrs ago, she was preggers all the time like this....PUH LEASE!!
I've advised my hubby on BC....told him, get her to take the needle, then u'll be sure she ain't foolin with the meds...take her into the clinic urself...make sure she takes it....put this issue in UR hands...and he's like, okay I will. And on the other hand....he ain't!! Today on the phone, he's like...I'm doing something about it now. OH YEAH!
Now that I"ve ranted...I wanna say.....maybe it aint so good for me to be so concerned on this issue....I know. But u see, hubby has said that he's leaving this woman...Allahu Alem....he's trying to get her kids back for her.....and she's trying to stick her claws in any way she can......and it's driving me nuts that hubby is being so naive....I know he has to fight his own battles and learn his own lessons....but HOLY HECK! I wish I was the only stupid one.....
Okay....rant ranted....I gotta calm down and think about what I'm gonna discuss with hubby tomorrow.
BTW...hubby told me that someone approached him to open business with him in Canada...and he's telling me about it...so I told him just make sure that he has a place for us to stay with him, cuz there is no way in hell we are gonna wait longer for him here in Egypt. Boy did he shut right up!
posted by Safa at 6:59 PM
21 Comments:
Asalamalaykom Habibti,
I know where your mind went, because I've been there too.
Can I tell you what I decided? Whatever they do is up to them. If he really is going to get her pregnant, or have another baby he can't support, then that's up to them. He doesn't have time for the kids he has, let alone a new one, but up to him.
I would not be the mom or responsible in anyway. He just pays for me and my kid enshahallah
8:02 PM
I hear you...but it's just so damn T I R I N G....u know?
8:06 PM
I've got five BMW's but only one works, but when people ask I can list all of the model numbers and tell them how sweet they are. That's what that sounds like. Can you say trophy wife? Trophies are cool and all, but mostly they collect dust and sit in the case. They may get taken out once in a while and dusted off, but that is about it.
I'm sorry for you Safa. Shift focus, GO to school, reinvent yourself. Motion is good, forward motion is best. The ball is always in your court.
Well excuse me for my quasi-wisdom moment The Queen is starting to show and feeling miserable. Gotta eat and go cuddle.
9:37 PM
Dearest Sister,
Salaam Alaikum. I know it is clear by now that you can't eblieve anything your husband says but there is another point I want to make.
When you look in your heart honestly are you so concerned about them having a baby because it will secure their relationship to a higher level? Do you feel now that you have a little bit of an edge in being the mother to his children and if another woman has his children, you lose that last little edge?
I ask because this is very common with first wives I think and when a subsequent wife has children it is traumatic. It's like that last speciaql bond between you and that man has been weakened because he now shares that same bond with another. Add to this the whole issue of when a second wife produces a son for an Arab man who hasn't had one before.... well, it can get very nasty between the women.
I know my onw husband's first wife uses their children all the time to stake her "special" claim on him. I have come to respect her as the mother to his children (although I still get pissed sometimes when she interferes in our time with silly schemes). And there was a time that I felt like less of a wife because I would never have that claim and special bond with him. I had a hysterectomy when we were engaged, and my hubby specifically was not looking to have any more kids so that suited him fine.
At first I used to wish that she would feel that he "wanted me more" or even "loved me just for being me" as a means of getting my own edge. Now I know that is unkind to her and no longer feel that way. In fact, although I still have no desire to meet her, I pray that he at least treats her well and that she is happy with her life with him. And now that my hubby is making me feel loved and valued, I am far less threatened by the idea that he loves another woman. In fact, I worry more about him NOT loving her and bewing good to her because I want Paradise for him, with all parts of his body working properly! LOL!
Safa, I urge you to to try to come to peace with the idea of polygyny or leave it behind. I think Muhammad made a very good suggestion. Go to school, work on you, and make your decisions about the future based on a position of power, not need.
Love you, dear,
PM
1:54 AM
yes, I'm worried about a child securing their relationship....I look at her as a fly by....she's leaving....and I know that on some level, she's aware of that as well. Hence why she's getting preggers all the time....he told her when they were married that he didn't want kids....and she agreed. Now she's gotten to the level where she's asking Sheikhs about it. Should she get preggers and have a boy....it'll kill all of us. I mean it....I've got 4 girls and that one boy will take 1/2 of all we killed ourselves for. Isn't that stupid dumb ass thinking? I can't help it. And besides all that....he sais he ain't having kids with her.
I need to stop believing him, don't I? U know what? I can't come to peace with polygyny....I just don't want it.....the only thing that's making me hold on, is cause she's over there in Canada.....and I'm expecting that when he comes home, he won't be bringing her. It'll be a fine slap in the face if that should change.
Hubby says to me yesterday...what can I do to make u feel better now? I told him that maybe buying me a diamond ring will make me happy. (I've said that a few times)
DAMNIT! I just can't calm down.
2:11 AM
I was just curious, how can shaytan play with your mind last night, is he not supposed to be locked up in wal-mart storage or something during this month?
3:33 AM
yes, u are right...I didn't meant THAT shaytan, I meant the other one. (And last I heard, it was A & P storage...cause they CARE u know)
5:09 AM
Salamu alaykum,
What concerns me is the number of 'pill taking abortions' he is having her endure. It is ridiculous and quite haram subhannallah. Ramadan is the month of forgiveness so he needs to repent to Allah for that big time and then not return to that state. I wouldn't encourage him to make her take pills to get rid of his children. You are not supposed to kill your children for fear of want. Obviously he is having sex so to say he doesn't want kids is just hypocritical as that is one of the outcomes of marital relations. And while birth control can prevent it, it is far from 100% and if Allah decrees a matter to happen then it will be. MM should not be obeying him in haram so if he tells her to abort the baby then she should disobey. And really she has a right to have a child as that is one of the rights one has being married. If he really doesn't want to have a child then he could refrain from sex or use his own protection (condom).
Would you want your daughters to be treated like that by their husbands? It must be painful for her to have to deal with these lost babies. Maybe the pregnancy kit in the cupboard was the result of a second pregnancy test after the pills made her lose the baby.
That might explain that irrational, evil act of leaving it next to the cookies.
One thing I have found is that when husband's keep wives apart they can get away with murder but once they come together they cease to get away with so much. If you two were on speaking terms then you might have said 'gee I found a used pregnancy kit in the cupboard - that's mighty RUDE! She could have said yeah I'm sorry I guess I was hurt after I took the abortion pills and I wanted you to hurt too!!
May Allah bless you with all this is good. Ameen.
5:47 AM
Safa, you know how I think already. You have a right not to want to be in a polygynous marriage. And if Allah never allows you to be open to it, THAT'S OKAY! There are no ayaat or ahadeeth that stipulates that in order for a Muslimah to be a pious you have to want and be happy with polygyny! Though despite your feelings you have fought hard to deal with this other life of your husband, although he has shown time after time again that he is not from the selective group of men that has a right to more than one wife. Do you think that the haraam that he committs doesn't affect your or your children? Or that you will be safe from the reprecussions that may come from it?
Those abortions are major, major sins on him and MM. I don't think for one minute he forced her to do it, I think it probably was a show her love and obedience. And that's sad and twisted. What type of Muslimah chooses a man over her own child? Maybe now is a good time to start asking yourself whether your marriage is or will be truly a vehicle for you to earn Allah's pleasure or anger?
love and perserverance to you habibati
7:02 AM
~~Enter a possible dumb question~~
Are abortions againist overall Muslim "policy" <--Can't think of the right word.
I know that I am TOTALLY againist it and view as the killing of an innocent child.
9:24 AM
Safa, I understand the issues about inheritance but isn't that also a part of Islam? It indicates to me again how much we need to be prepared as women to develop successful careers or business opportunities in order to be able to support ourselves, as well as educate and raise our daughters in this manner.
Maybe I didn't make myself clear. I am not saying that you have to accept polygyny but rather if you can't then leave this marriage behind. I don't believe Allah will reward us for suffering needlessly in polygyny. We have a choice to get out or accept it with grace. Nothing wrong with not being able to accept it. There are circumstaances that I have faced in the past that made it impossible to accept and I never forget that there could be circumstances again that make it unacceptable. It is really in my husband's hands to make it work by providing what his wives need. If he doesn't one or both of us can leave him.
Your husband has made it clear it is a part of his life. This is not a "one/off" situation as he has done it twice and told you he will do it again. In fact, he said he'll do it in Egypt if he returns there.
So making MM the enemy and allowing her desire for motherhood with his baby doesn't really change the fundamental problem you have with your husband.
Safa, I don't mean to sound harsh and you know I love you as a sister but I seriously want to encourage you to focus your future in a more positive direction -- regardless of whether you stay married or not. After all, do you really believe that your life is ever going to return to the way it was 5 years ago? Hasn't too much happened to make that possible, not to mention the man your husband has revealed himself to be?
Salaam Alaikum,
PM
9:26 AM
Safa, I don't believe your husband when he says he's leaving MM. Just like I learned not to believe my husband when he said he was leaving N-AP. I know that's not what you want to hear, but that's what I see.
Also, I've been wondering...if you are his legal wife in Cda...and he's just married to MM Islamically....how does that help her get her kids back? There aren't shariah courts in Cda, are there? So his marriage to her would not be recognized...so basically he's just like her "boyfriend" according to the legal system? How does having a boyfriend help her get her kids back? I just don't get that part.
10:55 AM
That is a very good question-ORAU- What is up with the observations today?
11:46 AM
Umm, exuse me for butting into the club again, but when a muslim woman remarries, does she not forfeit the custody of her children?
http://www.islamonline.com/cgi-bin/news_service/fatwah_story.asp?service_id=288
http://www.islamqa.com/index.php?ref=20705&ln=eng
Yet another ponder in the "custody-claim"
Would`t that be a lovely twist of turn, MM bears a son and he inherits half of all your husbands assets, MM sittin pretty in the hard labor of SS. Exellent deen, what can a kafira say but, sheesh and hehehe..
12:38 PM
he's calling himself her "significant other" and on some court papers it said that he was in egypt visiting family members. Yeah, me and his kids....
12:44 PM
Sorry for asking Kafira....but are u in italy? I'm surprised that's what has come up on my site........
12:49 PM
Ask away, no probs, I feel my country is the closest in the world in culture, nature and people to Canada, and that is not Italy. I am in Norway, tiny Canada.
Well, we all poo-poo on his "exuse" that he is beeing a philanthropist getting her kids back. It makes no sence legally in Canada nor islamically. Islamically he is actually assisting her going against shariah. He probably figured this one would go down well with you, since you are a true philanthropist. Its a shame you are wasting it on this sad case. You are compromising on your moral, your duty and feelings towards your children, your health, physical and mental and your religion, but as I have stated before, perhaps on another blog, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". How many times did he fool you now? Can you count, do you even know? I am sure we can go back in the blog and count the times you felt foolish. Feel like amusing me more and let me add another notch in my Safa got fooled again piece of wood? I hope you have it in you to disappoint me...;-) If you find your inner bitch you will save yourself and kids a lot, and me having to get more wood to make notches on. You have only been with this one man, but I assure you that the beeing single is less lonesome then beeing lonely in a marriage. Been there, done that, hung on too long, sheer foolishness, too much wood bought, I could have build a house instead of wood for notches....
3:37 PM
Now u know what? This post is nice....u aren't being mean...ur just being straightforward and direct. No little pokes in my holes, no ruffling feathers. Keep this up and maybe we'll actually start tolerating u!!
12:20 AM
OMG I was thinking the same thing. I have to say I liked it. I really did. See there she does have some niceness....you should save this...it may never happen again especially since we have pointed it out.
2:37 AM
I don't know where all my observations came from yesterday....just a moment of instightfulness, I guess. You all make them all the time....it was my turn! :o)
10:09 AM
we all have great wisdom.....and moments.
11:49 PM
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