We're walking away.....

....from the troubles in our lives.....

You know you have a lot of pressure when you sometimes just back off from everything. Where you just take all that you love and all that you need.......and put it on hold while you try to sort through the things that are coming at you faster than you know how to manage. Yes, I do that sometimes.

That's what happens to you after being in an abusive marriage where you are always told that you are wrong. You just stop trying to sort. You just stop trying to feel. And then, you stop talking.

I was pushed to that point.

And to the ones that I love and cut off, I'm sorry.

Eid came and with it was a lot of happiness, and then suddenly, my landlord comes to me asking for money he has no right to. Wanting me to pay utilities because we use more than the $150 that he was expecting. I refused. And then he hinted at selling the house. The house. The only stability that we have in our lives right now. Can I suddenly move everyone? In the middle of the year again? Grudgingly, I accepted responsibility for the utilites in the future. Sigh. There goes the extra money that I had monthly.....not extra really......lets just say the misc money...where the kids need a pair of jeans or want to go on a field trip, school lunch....flat tire...oil change....? Yes, that tiny bit of money that let me breathe....is gone.

And then if that wasn't enough. I got a call from the welfare office. I did not show up for my appt that was on Eid day. And because of that, my benefits are cancelled until Nov 21st....WHAT??? OMG....I'm dying. I won't be able to pay my rent.....what will I do?

And now the 3 teens in my house are arguing up a storm daily. She said / he said.....OH BOY!! Can I pull out my hair? Am I allowed a nervous breakdown? I can't even tell my mother. It'll be too much for her to handle.

So I back off from everyone. And I make phone calls. And I cry to Allah. And I sleep in my lonely bed and wonder about this path that I'm on. Will it always be like this? And somewhere in the back of my brain there's this little frustrating tickle that says to me...."if you'd only agree to go back to Egypt...." And then I cut it there.....oh I'd never consider it....but sometimes, when you are down....and the dust bunnies cloud your mind.....it comes to you unbidden.......sigh.

Alhamdulillah........I kept quiet about this for a few days....and fixed a few things.....alhamdulillah. Turns out from welfare, you are allowed to miss an appointment for religious reasons......and my benefits were re-instated. I paid my first electric bill.......and it felt good. Although I have the other one staring at me, and I just don't know what to do. But something will change....of that I have hope.

And then the teens. Here's what I did......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We got up early on a Saturday morning...... loaded up the van...... brought a tent..... and took off. I brought the three teens on a journey. And although the van was lightly packed with goods, it was heavy with burden. Dark clouds over the heads of them all. Even when they sat in the van, they took their own rows. My brother riding shotgun, my oldest behind me, and the 13 yr old sitting way in the back. She sits back there because she believes that I can't see her tears in the rearview mirror. But I do see them..... and each one of them burns me as I drive, knowing that I can't kiss them away.... I can't even touch them.

The fighting begins when the radio is to go on. Brother says no radio, one girl says 99.9 and the other starts yelling NO!! 104.5!!! I have a better idea...lets get some coffee! And we go into Country Style donuts and grab a donut and something to drink. The rest of the drive is in silence while each of them sip hot chocolate. And then we arrive at our destination.....

Rattlesnake Point Conservation Area. I've decided to take these kids on a hike that will make them all reconsider their places in this world. We will complete the 10.4 KM hike to Crawford Lake.

I've told you a bit about Rattlesnake point before HERE. It was a very large part of my childhood. And when you are at your wits end, sometimes we just regress and want what we used to have and I really wanted to give that to the kids.... it was my peace of mind that I was after. My center.

So we arrived....and no sooner did we get out of the car, then my oldest threw up. How strange? Then we walked a few steps...and I THREW UP TOO! Strangest thing...?? I started laughing about it. Then we all started laughing.....and threw my heaves of throwing up, I caught glimpses of those gems and thought, "HECK! If that's all it takes to bond these kids, I'll take syrup of ipecac, or whatever its called!!" LOLOL!!!




And then we all get our backpacks on and I volunteer for the first shift of carrying the tent.

We get out our map and start our adventure.

First we stop at the Buffalo lookout and enjoy the view. The leaves are changing and it's gorgeous. The air is crisp and the excitment is in the air. What sort of adventure is ahead for us?

Oh Allah, use me today!!

Off we go, everyone knows that we are following the blue arrows on the trees. And instead of having a group of teens around me, I find them all walking on their own.

My brother.

He takes the lead. He's had extensive training in Cadets and knows exactly how to rough it. He's brought a first aid kit and one of those Swiss Army knives. He is prepared.

The 13 yr old.

She's in a tiff. Why does my brother think he's so good? She could walk first too, you know?

(if only she could get in front of him, because he walks fast!)

She's never been nature hiking on this level.....this is actually bush that we are in. She quickly finds a walking stick and is pounding away at the path as if she's trying to leave her own mark.

My oldest.

"TAKE MY PICTURE HERE, MAMA!!"

In love with herself lately, she wants a pic in the tree, a pic on the rock...etc etc. We'll never make it to Crawford Lake like this! She wants me to call her sister and tell her to slow down, she wants me to call my brother and get him to walk with us. I tell her that I just want to leave everyone alone. I say to her...

"Be patient, my dear.....we will all come together in the end...."

I smile at her knowingly. I've walked this path before..... oh sure.... maybe 20 some years ago..... but I do remember that the hike is long and the path treacherous..... eventually everyone here will have left their demons somewhere along the way.

And me?

Yes, I'm doing my own pounding.

Thinking.....

rent,

money,

home,

work,

rent,

money,

home,

work,

...etc etc.

And at one point, I stop thinking all that and start taking in the beauty around me.

Have you ever been somewhere like this? Where the slightest sound is heard for at least a mile away? Where the beauty of the leaves falling from the trees takes your very breath? Where the chipmunks run across your path and don't even look at you? Where you see Allah's creations in their most raw forms?

Where everywhere you turn.....all you can hear about you.....is......

....s i l e n c e.....?

....Shhhhhhh........

.....s i l e n c e.........

(pause here)

.

Masha Allah. It's so very beautiful. After about 2 hours of us pounding away, we make our first stop. Hidden under a couple of huge trees, we take out some sunflower seeds and powerade. I have some dried apricots and dried apple slices as well. We sit eating those, talking. And then my brother decided to climb this wonderful tree in front of us. As he's pulling himself up, he farts. LOOOOL!! Now that always breaks the ice! We all collapse in giggles about it, and he continues climbing. Oh you can imagine the jokes going on now...

"Do farts rise, Mama like heat?

LOOOL! Off we go again.....and we go through the precious pine forest....OH the smell! Intoxicating and starts bringing memories of my adventures there with Mom and Dad. So Safa starts her storytelling. The oldest starts laughing which brings the 13 yr old closer and then....even brings my brother closer. This is my chance everyone.....so I start with a new story.....making it as interesting as possible to keep those kids close. And it's working. Now we are all laughing, walking together....my brother asking questions, curious about the family that he never had. Our parents divorced when he was 4. He doesn't remember them as a couple. We arrive at the bog....and as we cross, I tell them all about the time that Dad fell into the mucky bog up to his knees and lost his shoe. He had to walk the rest of the way barefoot....LOOOL!!!

I tell my brother that I love the leaves falling and to please me, he shakes trees as I walk under them....telling me..."Do you like the leaves falling, Sissy? Do you?? Look at the leaves, Sissy!" And I look up at them all falling at me....suddenly a branch breaks and I get smacked in the face with it! OOPS!! We all collapse in giggles about it. Even my brother is laughing.

But now we come to the hard part. We are slowly working our way up the escarpment. No time for laughter, smiles or even talking. We trudge up and up and up.......barely able to breathe....taking little breaks on the way up.....on the treadmill this must be at least a 4.5 incline!! And we do this incline for a good 40 mins. At the top we take a little break, we are sooooo pooped. The conversation is easy and without any hostility. Have we broken through, my friends? Dare I think so?

We follow those arrows some more and then FINALLY! We arrive at Crawford Lake! YAY! We all are leaping with joy...(not literally, some of us can barely feel our legs!!) And we make our way over to a private little nook and pitch the tent.

Inside the tent, I bring out lunch.....smoked chicken sandwiches, green olives, more powerade and apples. We sit and eat ravenously and then I tell everyone that we'll have a 2 hour break before we head back. I tell them I'm going for a snooze and I've got a blanket with us, but I only brought one...(*wink *wink)...so we'll have to lie close together so we can all cover up. My brother wants to nap as well, so he lies down, and I snuggle in behind him....then my oldest daughter lies down behind me and her sister behind her. We all cover up with the blanket....and then a second later......hehehehhehe. The giggle monster somehow gets in our tent. Giggle giggle here and then giggle giggle there....and then my brother says he knows how to stop all the giggling...and guess what he does????

FARTS!

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

All the girls start beating on him and I'm yelling...THAT WASN'T VERY NICE! And he's laughing thru it all! So we start again.....first him, then me, then my oldest and then the 13 yr old.

....and then all turns quiet......

.........in

..............the

....................s i l e n c e

..................and we

........S L E E P.

SSSshhhhhhhhhh.

For only an hour. Then we pack up the tent, and start heading back. Legs stiff, and feeties hurting. And off all the amzing things.....we are walking....together. At one point, the 13 yr old takes off ahead with my brother....they are laughing and talking. My oldest runs to catch up, but asks me if I mind...."go, my dear." I tell her.

And I walk behind all three of them. Hoping for them. Loving them. And praying that this moment lasts a long, long time. And it did. Really.

And forever it will be etched in my heart.

.......how we broke thru barriers, how we shared a journey together.......

.......and even how we all managed to sleep in a tent that smelled like stinky fart because WE ARE a family.

.....and for the rest of my journey, with my heart full of a mothers' love....a sisters' love.....I still enjoy what I see around me. I look up at the orange, red and yellow leaves. I look at the weathered trees....and then I look longingly at the real beauty....those three teens walking together, laughing and shoving one another. I bet you other hikers can hear them miles away....

......and

.......I

......really

.......don't

........care.