Do we ever have control?

Here I am at my computer....sitting here and willing the words to flow from my brain...down my arms, into my finger tips.....

My fingers dance on my keyboard......they are more skilled and at home on my computer than any other area in my life.

Oh sure...I can diaper a baby with my eyes closed, cook up a gourment meal.....even hang laundry on the lines.....all with the help of my fingers. But give me a keyboard....and watch these guys work together!

So talking about my fingers reminds me of when I had my 3rd child....almost 10 yrs ago. I was living in Egypt....only for a year that time....and the day before I gave birth, I went on a cleaning spree in my house. One of the major things that I did was clean my stove REALLY thoroughly.....I even used Steel wool. Egyptian steel wool.

Now egyptian steel wool isn't the greatest.....and sometimes it breaks into tiny pieces.....well, that's what it did to me. Two little TINY pieces broke off and embedded in my thumb the day before I gave birth. I didnt know.

The day after I had the baby....my thumb started hurting me. It was red and slightly swollen....I showed it to my husband...and we were wondering if I banged it while in labour....never thought for a moment about my cleaning spree.

By the 4th day....my thumb was so swollen and red, that I couldn't bend it anymore....I had a definate problem. My SIL came over and brought me to the pharmacy. We walked down the street and asked to see the DR....(it's common in Egypt to go to the pharmacy before going to the real DR).....so the DR took one look at my hand and then asked me to sit down. He said something in arabic to my SIL and she took the baby from me. I had no idea what was going on....and back then...my arabic wasn't really existant.

So the DR comes and sits in front of me....and starts manipulating my thumb....and then suddenly....pushes it EXTREMELY hard and a bunch of pus pops out of it.....I screamed in pain and started yelling EVERY horrible word in arabic that I knew....I called the DR a murderer...LOL....and told him HOW DARE HE do that to my thumb and not let me prepare myself for the pain....Haraam! I told him! And here I am with a baby that is less than a week old!! JEEZ!!!

So afterwards.......the DR cleaned up my thumb.....he put on it some antibiotic powder, then sprayed it with something, and the put cream on top of that...wound it in gauze and told me to come back the next day. HA! I promptly bought the powder, spray, cream and gauze....and told him I WOULD NEVER COME BACK! LOL....he was mad...but nowhere near as mad as I was!

My SIL was mad at me....and I was at a loss of how to communicate how angry I was.....and ended up crying all the way home in the street while she held the baby. When I got home my husband was there, and I cried harder than my precious newborn! Everyone was shocked at me for crying so hard.....

Anyways....2 days later...after cleaning my thumb almost 2X a day....not being able to hold anything in my hands, unable to hold a knife...unable to hang laundry.....I went to my husband again and told him I needed to see a DR. So we made our way to a real DR. This time, he sprayed my thumb with something...pain freezing I think...and cut open my thumb....and took out those two tiny pieces of steel wool and showed them to me. He gave me some antibiotics....he said that they were okay for me to take while nursing.

Strangely enough.....a week later, my thumb still had not healed. I now had a gaping hole in my thumb that didn't want to heal.....and I was being VERY stubborn...I WOULD NOT go back to another DR...WOULD NOT go back to the pharmacy....I just wanted the damn thing to heal without any intervention. This went on for 2 mos. At one point, I came to the realization that my thumb may never be healed again....that I would always have this fleshy hole there....possibly even have to get it amputated.....it was a sad day when I thought this.....

So my husband took me to his brothers house in another city...we planned to stay for 3 days. While I was staying there, my SIL asked to see my thumb. I showed it to her...and even tho her face registered surprise and disgust...she said to me..."it's not that bad". And the next day...something happened.....

A neighbour of my SIL's came to visit....my SIL told her about the problem I was having with my thumb.....the neighbour, in a sincere effort to help me...asked to see it. She also had this disgusted look on her face....but she said to me something of the UTMOST value. She told me a story....

On her thigh 2 yrs ago....she had an infection....like mine, it festered...but finally with antibiotics and supreme effort on her part...it started to heal....but then...the hole just wouldn't close. She could see something inside this hole....so with a kleenex she tried to pick at this thing she could see....oh I know this is disgusting...but bear with me....so finally she managed to grab a piece of this thing and pull it out.....you know what it was? Dried up pus. She said that after she got that out, the hole healed almost immediately.

Hmmmmm. After she left, I looked at my thumb....I mean I really looked at it. And that's when I saw it....something small and white inside. I grabbed a kleenex and picked at this thing....ground my teeth thru the pain of it....and GOT IT! It was a piece of dried up pus....just like she told me! I then cleaned my thumb up and praised Allah for sending this woman!!!

The next morning when I woke up...my thumb had visibly improved....and it wasn't just a day later that the hole was almost healed shut. Masha Allah!! Until today, I have a scar that looks like the letter Y on my thumb.....a reminder of my pain, of my hurt...and even of me giving up.

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I write this out to all of you.....and I think back on it....of how I came to the extreme end of things....and just threw up my hands and said..."it's up to you Allah!" And Allah sent me a way out. Alhamdulillah. I suppose I was stubborn about not seeing a DR....but I had lost trust. SubhanAllah!

And here I am today.....feeling like I'm in a similar situation of just giving up....I just look forward to saying....I'm not a part of this equation anymore!! No more promises to be broken by others....no more needs that go unfulfilled..... Just me and my children.

You are probably wondering where all this is coming from.....so let me just say....I'm about 90% sure that my husband IS NOT coming to Egypt right now. Some things have happened there that make the possibility of this next to impossible. He says he's holding out for Allah to make the way clear.....yes, that COULD happen. Sure. But that doesn't ease my heart....that doesn't make me secure in the fact that my husband will be attending the birth.

All it does is remind me that joy is fleeting, control is not something in our hands....and that I'm going to be having this baby alone.

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Now I dont' want to end it like this....leave you guys feeling sorry for me....or feeling like you should tell me BE STRONG, SAFA! I want to say....although I'm terribly disappointed, and feeling VERY sad at the moment....I also feel very secure in the fact that I have my girls around me, who are very capable....and that there really was nothing that I needed from my husband that I can't get somewhere else at this time. I've gotten all the stuff I need ready for the birth...I've got the house clean....freezer stocked....I've got the maid when I need her....insha Allah, I've got things covered.

I can't control how Hubby will disappoint me....but I CAN control how I could disappoint myself....

And I'm not planning on that.....I can take care of me....I have help, support and a strong spirit.....for now, it's going to have to be enough.....and it will! Insha Allah....it will.