Answers to some serious questions......

I received this comment under the villa pics......and to be honest, I read it thru twice. And like some many good comments do....it made me think.....I emailed this comment to a friend and discussed some issues that this comment brought up. So I'd like you all to read it with me.....and I'll post a response down below....

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "the Villa is under construction......":

It was awhile ago that I was surfing the net and came across your blog. It was really a very weird way that it happened: I was looking for info on the veil and one of the results led to your site. As I quickly scanned your post, my eyes were caught dead in their tracks by the word "polygamous". Suffice it to say, I have become somewhat of a 'disturbed' fan, following your every post religiously-at times your posts were my escape from the mundane routine of my job. My favorite past time is to drown myself in virtual reality of the cyberspace. Yeah you learn a lot and meet interesting people, but I think it is the door that some people leave slightly ajar into their lives that is priceless. Mostly, those little glimpses really make you feel "connected"-I still haven't been able to figure out to what exactly. So yesterday, as I was surfing the net daydreaming of another place (even another person) that I wanted to be, my mind brought me to you. I realized that the months I have been spending listening to what you were saying I have been selfish because I was using your words to find myself but not really offering anything back in return. Truthfully, I didn't think anything I could say would've been useful. But I feel I 'know' you now and really want to tell you a couple of things. and I should warn you, I grew up in a country where we call it like it is so I won't 'sugar-dip' it. I think your husband is a Class A jerk! And I think 'female-martyrdom' is a glorified mirage that we women often hold at the expense of ourselves for no good reason. Don't get me wrong, kudos to your strength and courage because I gotta tell you, if I was in your situation it would've been one swift kick in the balls and out with him in the trash. But they say you never really know unless you walked a mile in 'their' shoes-and I haven't walked even a centimeter in your shoes. And you sound like a perfectly capable woman who's got more intelligence than many and has ideal qualities that anyone would be honored to have-while the hubbie, I am sorry to say, sounds like a selfish 'douchebag' who is quite content pleasing only himself. Religiously, I am not well-read but I do know enough that polygamy has its own very strict rules, i.e. that the first wife must be told (and given a choice to leave) and that if he buys one apple for one wife then the EXACT IDENTICAL apple must also be bought for the second. The safeguard that God put into the whole thing is that NO MAN will ever be able to suffice the requirements of the second restriction-thus, your husband is very much in the wrong. And I am sure he gives you lines of crap about working hard to build a future and a family in Cairo and gets you the new villa and the SUV (is that for you?) to placate you, etc. and I am sure he must love his kids, but love is more than words. But while he is a complete ass, I am kind of mad at you. I think you are also indirectly indulging his fabricated life by not making a choice. [yes I know I am not in your position, so take what I say with a grain of salt but don't completely wipe it out] you are waiting till the baby is born to see what kind of ticket he will be traveling on to get your decision-but isn't this really empowering him with your entire future? And where are you in the whole mix? My friends would probably kick my proverbial behind for seemingly not bringing peace to the situation (and maybe others on your site)-but I think the wait and see what he does method is 'old school' because it wraps your whole life in a completely arbitrary action-what if he does end up coming for a month because he wants to work on building 'you lives' in Canada? What if he doesn't leave her? What if he brings her with him and puts her up in your apt? The point is not to add more to your troubles but to just tell you that sometimes what you wish for isn't what you want. So I think you need to decide now (not this moment but in the near future) what YOU want based on what is happening now and not on a romanticized past (again I make more assumptions, but my experience has been that jerks are not born overnight-that they are a long time forming). The real 'moutain' that you are refusing to climb is the one in your mind-the only obstacle in our lives is ourselves. so free yourself from all this wondering, fretting, stressing, depressing, crying, indulging, and boiling and do what is good for you. And above all, treat yourself to life-you deserve it!

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"I grew up in a country where we call it like it is so I won't 'sugar-dip' it."

Excellent! Sugar dipping is so overrated anyways!

"... you sound like a perfectly capable woman who's got more intelligence than many and has ideal qualities that anyone would be honored to have-while the hubbie, I am sorry to say, sounds like a selfish 'douchebag' who is quite content pleasing only himself. "

There are times I think the same thing......truth is....we have been married 16 yrs....and my husband never bought himself a can of pop when he was outside the house. He used to say.....how can I enjoy something without my family? But this has changed....but ohhhh...if I could have gotten him to buy the pop, rather than indulge in a wife...!! I think proximity plays a large part in my current situation.

"I am not well-read but I do know enough that polygamy has its own very strict rules, i.e. that the first wife must be told (and given a choice to leave) and that if he buys one apple for one wife then the EXACT IDENTICAL apple must also be bought for the second."

Of course in Islam, there are schools of thought......and although some say that the first wife has to be told.....there are those that say she doesn't. Again, they give reasons for not telling, "right away"....but she HAS to be told. (wouldn't u notice ur husband missing at night?) My husband took advantage of these rules and warped them to his own needs. About the apples.....naw.....it ain't like that. What if the second wife is allergic to apples? Or prefers oranges? Yes equality, but it doesn't have to be the SAME unless it's asked for it.

"...I am sure he gives you lines of crap about working hard to build a future and a family in Cairo and gets you the new villa and the SUV (is that for you?) to placate you, etc. and I am sure he must love his kids, but love is more than words."

I am forever getting those lines of crap. Yes, that's what they are....and I swear I'm gonna record them rather than making him say it over and over again. The new villa be bought for me the summer that MM asked him for marriage. I remember the day we paid the money.....I was so intensely happy, yet so intensely sad inside....worried and confused about the interest MM was showing. The SUV was for all of us.......it was a dream that we'd had since the beginning of marriage...to own a SUV. This summer he is supposed to be buying me MY car......he was talking about a Suzuki minivan.....but it's my choice. Love is more than words. I know....i know....that's why I'm willing to leave all these nice things, and just walk away......I need the more. I've finished my patient waiting.

".....I am kind of mad at you. I think you are also indirectly indulging his fabricated life by not making a choice........you are waiting till the baby is born to see what kind of ticket he will be traveling on to get your decision-but isn't this really empowering him with your entire future? And where are you in the whole mix? "

Am I? Somehow I looked at things from a different angle. Right now I am about ready to pop out this new baby........and I'm sick. I've got diabetes, anemia, my legs are swollen, my back hurts......sigh. And the thought of getting myself worked up again, knowing his stupid crappy answers....just exhausts me. Last time I got worked up, my sugars hit the roof, glucose was in my urine and I had ketones. Where am I? I'm preserving my strength.......and growing this baby.....

"....what if he does end up coming for a month because he wants to work on building 'you lives' in Canada? What if he doesn't leave her? What if he brings her with him and puts her up in your apt? The point is not to add more to your troubles but to just tell you that sometimes what you wish for isn't what you want. So I think you need to decide now (not this moment but in the near future) what YOU want based on what is happening now"

My choice is this....I have to stop thinking that my husband doesn't understand what I need...that after the MANY times I've told him that I need solutions....that after the many times I've told him that I want fair time.....that he still doesn't get it. PUH LEASE! He can't be completely dense. If he chooses to keep pushing his issues and my patience.....he must realize, at one point, it's game over. No surprises here. Less than 2 weeks ago, I told him that I was expecting solutions after the baby is born....and that I ain't going to raise 5 kids alone.....it was pretty straightforward. What I wish for, may not be the best for him....who knows? But it's the best for my kids and I. It is. About what I want based on what's happening now....yes...I have based my decision on that.....but what I've done is given this very last possible chance for something to change. The end of the road, the last chance.....the finale. And again....I'm taking care of ME right now.....my time line is baby birth + 40 days. I need to be strong.

".....my experience has been that jerks are not born overnight-that they are a long time forming"

I just had to say that I loved this line. U got quite the chuckle out of me with it!

".....The real 'mountain' that you are refusing to climb is the one in your mind-the only obstacle in our lives is ourselves. so free yourself from all this wondering, fretting, stressing, depressing, crying, indulging, and boiling and do what is good for you. And above all, treat yourself to life-you deserve it! "

Thanks for these words.....I must say, that ur comment was really thought provoking........and that I had to really question myself.......I already have my plan in motion, and it shall remain the same. What your comment has REALLY made me question, is whether I should give a definate heads up to hubby or not. Should I tell him....yet again.....that after the baby is born......I need solutions. And that I won't be alone anymore. Hmmmmmm. I have to say, I haven't answered that one. I also wonder how upsetting that will be for me.....it's what I question now...... So let me ask my blogger friends to help me answer that one? Do I tell him yet again? By doing that.....am I taking some form of responsibility for my happiness? Or should I just be content with the fact that I have to presume he knows I'm serious? What to do?